Ok, here's the other thing, I mean besides my recent trips to Home Depot bringing me great joy & mirth (keep reading, you'll get there)....
I am a mental case today when it comes to guys. I talked to the non-chivalrous ex today, and we putzed around verbally, as I tried to get up the courage to tell him once and for all that I don't even want to be friends. Mission so not accomplished.
The thing is, he's a nice guy, and sometimes he can really turn it on But other times, well, other times he's just not such a nice guy to me. Did I mention, in my post earlier (uh huh, keep reading, you'll get there), that he made this comment the other night about how the only girls who ever wanted to date him have horribly low self esteem. I just looked at him. Looked. For a long time. He didn't get it. Urgh!!!
And the other thing is this, I had a horrible dream last night. A nightmare, that woke me up sweating, angry and scared. I dreamt the guy I've been in love with for the last three years (yeah, not Mr. Knight above, not even close!) came home to a family reunion between our two families (as likely as flying pigs bringing me $5 million in a Louis Vuitton bag), and he was MARRIED! I mean, I have reconciled myself to the fact that since he thinks we're just friends, that some day he really will come home married to someone else. But in the dream, he was married to some white trash, bus station skank with a kid. An ugly kid with Kool Aid stains around it's mouth and dirty clothes no less. And her, with her overly bleached hair and pallid skin and Wal-Mart knit dress, really she wasn't winning any prizes in the anything department. URGHURGHURGHURGHURGH!!! He was all playing with the kid, as DimWit sat in the corner not talking to anybody. And he had married her. HER!! I woke up so angry, at like 3 in the morning, just angry, swearing that if it was the last thing I do, I need to get over him.
Seriously though, this dream like, ruined my morning. I woke up and I had a craving for rusty nails with a side of Beastie Boys for breakfast. I didn't even crack any jokes in the kitchen at work, and the girls were left without mirth and dork dancing. All because of the thought that he could end up with someone, well someone lesser than me.
Now, like I said, I know the day will come when he will fall in love with someone other than me, and marry her. I've always pictured that woman as head & shoulders above me. And, I kind of thought, too, based on the little twits he's expressed attraction to, that he would pick some hot little blonde Britney Spears lookalike (wait, Britney Spears...white trash...I'm making a connection!) I mean, if it were character or personality he was after, he has someone who's been in love with him for three years right here. I'm ready to love him with all my heart.
But I've figured, since we're just friends, that it must be a lack of attraction thing. And I can deal with that. I mean, like Popeye said, "I yam what I yam". I'm dark & swarthy & chubby, kind of a like a cross between Jack Black and Captain Jack Sparrow (come on, I know you can picture it). But heck, I like me. I've got great hair, and I tan fairly well, and even Mr. "Chivalrous" says I have a great smile (though, can he really be trusted?). Anyways, I like who I am, and someday so will someone else.