Friday, July 06, 2007

The Dumps

Tonight, I had dinner with an old flame. The kind of dinner, that if we had still been together, would have been entirely lovely & date worthy. We went to this little Mexican restaurant in St. Paul where the margaritas were strong, the Mexican folk music was live and the salsa was muy caliente.

Too bad our friendship isn't so muy caliente anymore. We talked, and one of the most delightful subjects of the evening was his reluctance to drop the question of why we weren't getting back together.

Just a disclaimer, he dumped me the first time and I dumped him the second time. It turns out I wasn't "cool" enough for him or his friends, thus dump #1. And when it was my turn, he just didn't make me enough of a priority/make enough time for me, and I didn't think we were spiritually compatible. Thus dump #2.

I don't mind that we talked about it, if things were a little bit different between us, like, if I wasn't pissed that he dumped me in the first place. It is hard to hear that someone doesn't want me, because that just makes me want them more. Yes, I'm so that girl. The stubborn one!

And it so doesn't matter that I know, deep down, that he is not the guy for me, and therefore I have no business dating him. It doesn't matter that I told him I don't think we should date or see each other. The fact that he reminded me that at one point in time I wasn't "hip" enough for him just grates on my nerves for the sole reason that it makes me want something that I can't have. I don't even want the thing that I can't have, but the fact that I can't have it makes me want it anyway. Does that make sense? At all??

So, even though I know I shouldn't date him, and I don't want to, because he never treated me like I was important to him, and in the end, I would have been leading us spiritually, tonight I left dinner longing to get back together with him. Was it the attention of a decent guy & a dinner out on Friday night? Or was it being with someone, who at one time, I thought was pretty "hip" himself (something that initially attracted me to him)? Or was it the challenge of trying to prove to him that, yes, I was cool enough/smart enough/interesting enough to be worthy of his stupid pop-culture obsessed friends?

I may not read Chuck Palahniuk & listen to 70's soul music all day long, as I sit discussing existentialism in cinema in some obscure coffee shop, but at least I'm not some Full House quoting ex-cheerleader who drives a freakin' Mini or a Jetta. Urgh.

Why do I even care what this guy thinks? Why do I care what any guys think? Why am I so stubborn? Why do I ask so many questions? Does that make me a thinker? Does that make me interesting? Does that mean we can get back together? Haha, just kidding. Not on your life buddy!

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