Monday, February 08, 2016
Monday, December 02, 2013
I know I start out every post like this, but.... I don't post a lot these days. I've kind of lost my mo-jo, and my verve when it comes to writing, and I hope it's just a phase. It doesn't help that I'm genuinely happy, and don't have a lot to say. Unless you like reading about recipes I've tried, movies I've watched, and books I've read, there's not else much to share that isn't boring newlywed drabble. Even those kind of posts feel like work though, like a person being forced to talk about the weather, when they'd rather talk about anything else.
I used to find it so easy to write here. It was cathartic for me - my own kind of journaling, except the whole world got to see it. These days though the vulnerability and willingness to speak my heart that I may have felt in years past has been changed it seems, though not necessarily "for the good". Whereas before I somehow always felt safe to write what was on my mind, it was because I knew I had a safety net of many friends there to catch, love and support me. I choose not to share my heart now in the absence of some of that security. There are a few good and loyal friends that I know will always have my back. I think of them as a pyramid of love, a base of names and faces that have stood by me through thick and thin. I smile when I picture their laughing faces, whether in my head in memories, or staring back at me from wedding photos on my desk. I chuckle when I remember the hilarious good times we've had. My heart warms when I remember the feeling of safety in their amazingly wonderful hugs, and couch conversations that last for hours. Oh man, how I love you girls, you few sweet, dear friends.
But they stand alone, and overall I have seen other friendships slowly erode over the past few years. One of the by-products of that erosion is a self-awareness that causes me to guard my tongue much more now than I ever did before. I used to be a lot more transparent and open, like a tree blowing its branches in the wind. Now I tend to be guarded, hidden and quiet, and you'll find it much harder to get anything out of me. I'm a bit of a new person, a new me and this one, much unlike the old me, keeps her mouth shut. You could look at that like I'm wounded - I choose to see it as growth.
Now I must say this - please don't get me wrong! I don't cast blame for this disintegration of friendships. I don't name names, I don't cast blame, and I am doing my damndest every day to not feel any personal shame about it either. I won't blame me, but I also work every day to not blame you. Like the old REM song goes, everybody hurts, sometimes. I know I'm not alone in the world in this regard. Living with grace means that every day I try to count my blessings instead of sheep, and that's where those beautiful faces come in. It helps, and because of those disciplines, like I said, I'm genuinely happy.
But if I don't blog with much regularity, if I've lost my passion for it, if I don't have anything to say, it's because of this change in me. Every day I'm learning to take a little of the old and blend it with the new, and today this is how I'm trying. By writing again. By not throwing the baby out with the bathwater, and telling myself, I can blog with vulnerability despite the fear of being judged. I can be honest about my life, and do it because writing is something I enjoy, and transparency is something I value. Let the haters hate - they're going to anyways. I just need to be me, for the sake of being me.
And today, what that looks like, is just saying this. Nothing more than this. Just saying what I've shared above is enough to get my panties all in a bunch, and so I think it's time to leave it at that. There is a lot going on in my life that is good, there is a lot that is challenging, and there are ways God is growing me. I might share about them later. But for now, this is my story, and I'm stickin' to it.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Rom 14:7-19 For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. …. Therefore, let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister. … For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and receives human approval. Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.
Posted by Trinette Johnston at 1:24 PM
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
I'm gonna be better about this blogging thing than I have been in the past year, I swear! And on that note, here are ten thoughts that are running through my head this Tuesday:
1. I cannot stop thinking about this poem:
2. So excited for my handsome hubby, as he starts book club this week. One of the reasons I fell in love with him is because he is a voracious reader. Our children are gonna be wicked smart! He and his book club guys are reading C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters. Anyone else read this? Any thoughts on it? Seriously, I need to get into a book club! Grrr.
3. Spring is here (well, a very Seattle-esque kind of spring, if you will). That means dresses, and skirts. I love dressing up, and feel so much better about myself when I do. Although in the last two years I have become much more accustomed to just being comfy in jeans and a tee shirt, and I like that too, but in an entirely different way, with different gratification. Today I look very nice in a royal blue pencil skirt, a coral cowl neck, dotted shell, and a tan leather belt and pumps. I have already received two compliments from coworkers, who are probably surprised after I came in on Friday in yoga pants, a tee shirt, and flip flops. I hope the HH (handsome hubby) appreciates the look. I remember so many times, in my single days, thinking I was wasting a pretty outfit on no one at all, and now that I have someone, he prefers me in sweatpants and a tee-shirt (true story!). Even still, I know he loves me.
4. Erin Hannon (Ellie Kemper's character on the now ended The Office) is my new fashion inspiration. I think I'm going to Google as many of her outfits as I can.
5. Was anyone else seriously let down by the quality of the new Arrested Development episodes? Bummer!! I ended up playing Draw Something during a few of them (the George Sr. episodes mostly) because they were so not up to par.
6. "It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that makes happiness." - Charles Spurgeon. As I contemplate my desire to have a baby, and the inexplicable pressure I feel (sometimes self generated, admittedly), to have one sooner rather than later, I need to remind myself to appreciate, enjoy, and be grateful for what I have, instead of focusing on what I want. This is tough. Now that the wedding is over, I am left with this "what now?" feeling. The fact that we live in a culture that sets brides up for that particular failure, all too easily, only makes me sad and angry. It is time to rejoice, in the fullness of love poured into our hearts by the Creator Himself, and out to the ones we love, and the world around us, instead of searching for the next big thing to fill my life. Which in my case, is the (only natural) desire to have a baby. Of course, the fact that I'm not getting any younger either, approaching my 38th birthday in a week and a half, only exacerbates things. Amidst all these valid feelings, and desires, I have to honestly ask myself, "Would I be happy with my life, if I never had children?" I have to evaluate the sincerity and motivations behind my answer, and deal with myself honestly too. I keep telling myself, it is not how much I have, but how much I enjoy, that makes my happiness, and I have a lot in life to enjoy. And yet, knowing this truth, I still find myself falling prey to the all consuming thought of pregnancy, on a daily basis. I'm sure there will be more on this subject later, but for now, it is a daily discipline to rejoice in what I do have, and lay aside anything distracting me from that contentment.
8. Now that the honeymoon is over - I want to go on a trip. I want to go to Boston, and San Francisco, and Montana, and Italy, and Scotland, and just take a road trip. Though at $4.19 a gallon, for gas, I doubt that is happening. This year, I doubt that we'll be going anywhere, and that makes me a little sad. I sometimes wonder how I can ignite the travel bug in my HH, as he's much more of a homebody than I am. Hmmm, any suggestions folks?
9. To the person I follow on Pinterest, who keeps posting photos of winterscapes and snowflakes: If you do not knock this $#!& off soon, I will find you, and I will end you. Seriously, half my Pinterest this morning was photos of snowy white fields, tress covered in snow, and up close snowflakes. I know you, you live in Minnesota, the same as I do. Are you on freaking crack? Quit that #$%@ OUT!!
10. I want to learn to braid. To French braid, and Fishtail braid specifically. Am looking for people to practice on. Please let me know if you want to come over and sit in front of me and be my guinea pig for a while. Serious.
Well, that's it for this Tuesday. I got no sleep last night, so I'm a little crabby and finding it hard to focus. Our crazy neighbor was banging on the wall last night because my HH was snoring too loudly. Seriously woman?!?!?! He sleeps through your knocking, but I, halfway asleep due to said snoring, do not. Do you think your knocking on our walls at midnight helps? You have no idea what a truly loud, or inconsiderate, neighbor sounds like. Trust me, I lived in that fourplex. I know. YOU, do not. Thus, I think it might be time to go hit up the Nespresso machine in the breakroom and make myself a quad shot almond milk latte. Serious.
And that's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.
Posted by Trinette Johnston at 9:39 AM
Friday, May 24, 2013
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the LORD's renown, for an everlasting sign, that will endure forever." Isaiah 55:-13
Posted by Trinette Johnston at 3:51 PM
Monday, May 20, 2013
I know that probably many former readers of this blog have dropped off, discouraged by the fact that I never seem to write anymore. I apologize. I still, always, have a lot to say, and even as I start this post I can think of book reviews, and musings on social injustices, and random thoughts about something I saw on tv, or read in National Geographic, and contemplations on the nuances of relationships - all things I want to write about and have plenty to say about.
Please know that I don't neglect blogging because I've stopped caring, and have nothing more to say. I just don't have the patience to get it all out, arrange and organize so many thoughts, and make it coherent and interesting, throw in some pictures and hit post. I envy people who do have that time. I hope someday again that will be me. Hopefully sooner rather than later.
Till then - know that life is great. I got married!!! I met the "one", and we did it. We tied the knot. After two wonderful years together, and much more joy than I'll ever deserve. We stood in front of family and friends and I wore a big old white dress, and he was in a suit, looking so handsome. And now we call each other "hubby" and "wifey" and nothing feels different, and yet it all still seems so surreal. Like I'm floating outside my body, watching someone else's much happier, much more conventional life. I will never be a crazy cat lady again.
Anyways, because I want to put these photos somewhere, and share them somehow, but don't necessarily want to go the Facebook route, here they are. A few snapped pics of our wedding day, and the man I am deeply and madly in love with, and who patiently tolerates and appreciates me daily.
I am incredibly happy, and hope the same happiness for everyone on earth. If only we all were so happy, how would this world be different?
And that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
Posted by Trinette Johnston at 2:16 PM
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Posted by Trinette Johnston at 1:14 PM
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
I haven't blogged in a while, and I apologize to you few readers who are still faithfully following me. I guess you could say I'm lazy, but in all honesty, I'm busy, and I haven't had much to say really, so there's that. Mostly just that I haven't had anything to say. Silence is becoming something I'm increasingly comfortable with.
But life is good. I'm planning a wedding (my own), and it is a full time job I'm finding out. I'm working more than full time, at a job that I love, with a small little office of characters. My current boss (he's retiring next year) is the nicest person I've ever worked for, and I just enjoy our interactions every day. This is a huge relief coming off the heels of hell at Onesta, and a boss-lady who would literally make me cry with her demeaning comments, off-the-clock demands, and split personalities. They are each other's antithesis in every possible way. I also work with two very young women, who make me feel older than I am, and than I've ever felt before. They are both in their early twenties, and though I'm used to interacting with youth group girls that age, to see people so young in the work force is eye opening, and feels rather out of place. The generational differences between us are also both amusing and slightly disconcerting. When did I turn into this stuffy, proper, older woman? I used to be cool, I swear!!
In any case, life is grand. Life at home is grand as well, and I am more in love with my sweet fiance today than I was five months ago when he proposed. Every day just a little bit more. I am settled into domesticity like a fat old cat, content, quiet, napping the warm days away. Last night I was sick with a cold, and he let me lay on the sofa and read as he made dinner and cleaned the kitchen. Watching him in there with his handsome beard, cheerfully working away, the smells of spicy taco meat drifting my way, as I laid curled up with a blanket and some tea, literally filled my heart to overflowing. This is what joy is - sweet, domestic joy.
As the days tick away, we are moving closer to our wedding date. The fear of making sure everything is as perfect on that day as it is in my head keeps the timeline of a date fast approaching very surreal. I wish I had a better grip on reality when it comes to gauging what seven months away is. But by the time all is said and done we'll have been engaged for just over a year. And though there are those have voiced their wish that we'd just get married already so we can stop "living in sin", I wouldn't wish a rushed engagement on anyone! Planning takes so much time in the research of each factor involved. Every day I'm working a little more at it, researching, making calls, comparing, putting everything into a speadsheet, into inspiration boards, into a budget. Saving, saving, more saving. Always saving.
I can't wait till we are married though, if for these two reasons only: 1. We can finally get a dog. I want a dog so bad! Something that will be ours, together, and a shared joy, and that sweet unconditional, sloppy love of a dog. Something to dote on, besides C, which I'm sure he'll appreciate. 2. The other reason I really just want to get married already is so we can have a honeymoon. As always, I have wanderlust. Somethings might never change. And though I get to travel for work this year and next, it's never the same. I want to zipline through the jungles of Costa Rica. I want to meander the vineyards of Napa. I want to lounge in a mountain facing hot tub in Montana. I want to go somewhere and just swoon at the scenery and eat somewhere I've never eaten before, and walk on a street that looks like it's out of an old Capra film. I have romantic travelitis, and only seven months before a good excuse for it. I get to go on a honeymoon. I'm gonna be a married lady.
Sadie, Sadie. Sigh.
In any case, this is not that exciting of a post. It's nothing special. But yet, it's kind of everything special for me right now. It's everything that is sweet and wonderful in my ordinary daily life, and I feel like this is the me I've always wanted to be. Content, quiet, and full of undeserved joy. Thanks to the One who gave it to me. And that's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.
Posted by Trinette Johnston at 2:50 PM
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
A dear friend of mine got married this past weekend, and though her wedding wasn't extravagant, it was beautiful, joyous, heartwarming and God-honoring. I rememeber thinking, during the worship part of her ceremony, "I'm home. I'm home." In that moment, in that church, with those people, and pouring my heart out to God, the God that loves me as His bride, and the God that brought my friend the bride her beloved husband, I knew that my heart was home, where it belonged. And all this at a wedding!
I'll be planning my own wedding soon, and I hope, beyond hope, that at least one life is touched this way on the day my fiance and I get to share our love with the friends and family we cherish. I know we may disagree on how much worship is too much worship at a wedding, or how preachy should the preacher get. But at the end of the day, if one life can walk away filled with joy, at seeing love incarnate between two people, who have first known love incarnate through their Savior, then we'll have done our jobs. Well, I'll have done my job, because his is basically just Get Us To The Honeymoon!!
We struggle a little bit, he and I, in how to express our faith during this occasion. I come from the FBC tradition of outright evangelism, and strong public expression. C comes from a more reserved, private tradition, wherein your faith is something you share upon invitation, and with a good helping of respect for the diversity of other's beliefs. I worry about this polarization of our beliefs when it comes to the kind of service we will have. I desire a service in which two or three Protestant hymns are sung, and the unity sand is poured, and a blessing is given under a chuppah. Eclectic, yes, but faith inspired. I think C wouldn't mind the five minute "Do you? Yeah I do." version. I know that all I really need is this man, a preacher and a dress, but I sincerely hope we'll find a way to meet in the middle on all the other little details. No matter what we decide, however, when I think about marrying this man who balances me out so well the thought fills my heart with joy. Joy at the thought of watching him watch me walk down the aisle, giving him heart and life publicly and sealing it all with a kiss.
And joy is the one thing I want this day to be about. Yes, it's a celebration, and yes, it's about love, but joy is the manifestation of that love in our hearts, that makes them flutter, and leap and pop, for the emotional outpouring we feel of celebrating all that darned love. When I picture my wedding, I picture looking out from the dance floor, twirling and being spun around (by a quite reluctant dancing groom), and seeing every face in the house grinning. Not just smiling, but grinning. Smiling is what you do when you know the camera is near. Grinning is the look your face makes when your heart just can't hold it all in anymore, a second cousin to laughing if you will.
When I think about things that I have to figure out, like the venue, the decorations, colors (oh, so many colors to think about), the dinner, the dessert, the dancing, the wine, the favors, the kids, the parents, the EVERYTHING, the only thing I keep coming back to is this: what will bring our guests the most joy? What is going to inspire their hearts to recognize the love that this man and I have for each other, because God first loved us, and share in that love so directly that it makes their faces grin? What is going to bring all involved joy? Oh yes, I want to make C proud. And show off my personal style, and DIY abilities. And I want to make sure everyone has fun, we don't spend too much money and all six parents and multiple grandparents are satisfied. But mostly, I think of the faces of my dear friends, and I want to look around and know that they have felt the same way I felt the other day at my dear friends wedding. Joy - it's what a wedding should be about.
So, as I embark on trying to figure out how to take one quarter of the budget of the average American wedding and turn it into something special, I need to remind myself that joy is something we can all have for free. It's the feeling in your heart when you know you are home. It's the feeling in your heart when you see two people so madly in love that they can only grin at each other stupidly, and you know that you love them so much too that you can have nothing but joy for them. In the end, all I really need is this man, a preacher and a dress. But I really hope our wedding can be so much more than that both for us, and the people around us. I hope it can be an occasion of joy, to be remembered for years. Something that brings other's closer to God, more covered in the shadow of His love, and more filled with the joy that they too are loved by Him, and by us.
In the end, that joy is all I really need. And that's my story, and I'm stickin to it.
Posted by Trinette Johnston at 8:21 AM
Friday, April 20, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
I'm moving this week, from my little one bedroom apartment, into a new place with the love of my life, a full 40 miles, two bedrooms, three baths, a mudroom and a lifetime away.
Posted by Trinette Johnston at 9:46 AM