Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Best Wishes On Your Nuptials (A Very Sarcastic Post)

Ok, I know it's not very Christian to be catty. Nor is it my best quality. But I just couldn't resist.

People.com reports that fame-grubbing B-list celebrities Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, of The Hills, also brain-numbingly known as Speidi, have gone to Cabo San Lucas for their honeymoon. This after their second marriage (because apparently the first one was a publicity stunt to get their peroxide blonde faces plastered all over the tabloids and continue to suck dry their 15 minutes of celebrity from the chapped teat that is the American public's fascination with "celebrities".)

Anyways, in the kind of shockingly intelligent move that belies their combined iq of 23, they decided to honeymoon in Mexico. Home of the Swine Flu. Also, while there, I guess they felt the need to interrupt what should normally be a private time, with a call in to Ryan Seacrest on a local Los Angeles radio station to talk about themselves. Because you know, that's what most couples do on their honeymoon..... feel the need to reach out to those they hold dear, those they share commonalities with, the equally vapid, shallow and unintelligent non-talents of the world.

In this interview, Pratt told Seacrest that they're wearing face masks everywhere they go. Wait a second, how will they be recognized by the poor little Mexican people and fawned over with face masks on? Oh sad. Well, I guess they could remove the masks for just a few paparazzi poses, you know, in service of the little people. While they're at it they might as well shake a few hands of the locals, you know, in order to further promote Montag's illustrious recording career. And what is a true publicity tour/honeymoon without kissing a few babies? Go ahead, Speidi, kiss a few little Mexican babies. Especially the ones with drippy noses and runny eyes.... just pucker up and smooch away and make sure you kiss each other afterwards, you know, for the cameras. But if you start feeling ill, you know with strange, flu-like symptoms, just be sure to wash down that Alka-Seltzer with a big glass of tap water. Nothing like sweet, refreshing Mexican tap water to getchya back on your perfectly pedicured feet.

Now you two lovebirds have a charming little honeymoon, and by all means, keep the rest of us posted on how life in the ever-dimming spotlight goes for you. I can't wait to hear about what I'm sure is going to be a fascinating foray into the joys of married life.... next up, Malibu Barbie spawn, comes complete with blank look, fake tan and highlights

Friday, April 17, 2009

Gush!! Drool!! Moan & Roam!!

Ok, I've been talking up this book for weeks.... but until a few days ago, I assumed I had to be the only weirdo who happened to think Jane Austen would pair well with, I don't know, say George Romero. Trust me, as a harebrainedly romantic, bookwormish female with an obsession with the brain-devouring undead it made perfect sense!!! But I guess now that Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, by the late, great Jane Austen and L.A. native Seth Grahame-Smith, has reached #3 on the NY Times Bestseller List it's time to publicly profess the love that has been brewin' for quite some time now.

Talk about a seamless meshing of all that I adore and find charming and amusing. Jane Austen!! Elizabeth Bennett (really one of my all time favorite literature heroines)!! Flesh Eating Zombies!!! How can you not fall in love with the idea of introducing the rudest of horror creatures into a English novel of manners? Even the opening line is charming, in it's own irreverent and twisted way: "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains." Heeeheeeehee!!!

Elizabeth Bennett is given the full makeover treatment, into a zombie slayer who can still maintain impeccable manners and a piercing wit, as she demonstrates her lethal martial arts skills. Gone are just the verbal spars of Lizzie and Mr. Darcy, as they now break into physical sparring as well. As a matter of fact, all the Bennett sisters are trained in the art of killing, having studied martial arts in China. Of course they're expected to lay down their swords once they're married off to a suitable husband, which despite their heroic skill set is only befitting a lady. Even the most irritating of Bennett sisters, Kitty and Lydia, are rendered moderately more likable, now that they has training in something other than ribbon buying, shameless flirtation and family shaming.

Though the general jist of PriPreZo reads that it's an "...expanded edition of the beloved Jane Austen novel featuring all-new scenes of bone-crunching zombie mayhem", it's really more than just a retelling of a classic story with some blood and gore thrown in. New plot twists evolve to match the horror theme while retaining the essentials would expect from Austen - romance, heartbreak and true English propriety. That still doesn't stop the undead from roaming the British countryside, and therein PriPreZo finds it's charm.

For me, one of the final highlights of the book was found in the discussion questions, actually. The question, "Some critics have suggested that the zombies represent the author's views toward marriage -- an endless curse that sucks the life out of you and just won't die. Do you agree?" resonated deeply with my hidden phobias. I could take a baseball bat or a machete to any zombie any day of the week, but committing to entrusting my heart into another's person's hands is fear I won't easily overcome.

So while the J.J.'s of the world may snicker at me, and my odd conglomeration of entertainment preferences (yes, you can like both Martha Stewart Living and Battlestar Galactica, or Lord of the Rings and knitting), I just sit back and enjoy the fierce bloodsport and carnage while dreaming of my own Mr. D, emerging from a pond graced with rose bushes. For any likeminded individuals, whether you're an Austen fan, with a closet fetish for anything with the words "Of The Dead" in it, or a Horror Aficionado hiding a secret romantic gooey center, check out Pride and Prejudice and Zombies - it truly is the best of both worlds!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

A Word About Autism - Please Read!

“Never doubt that a small group of dedicated people could change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” – Margaret Mead

.... I've officially set up my team, on the MN Walk For Autism 09 site http://www.walknowforautism.org/faf/home/default.asp?ievent=303534 We are the Rushmore Runners. Last year we were "RU@MtRushmore?" but I had to constantly explain the history behind the name. In case you didn't catch it the first ten times, here it is:

When my 8 year old nephew Nathan, the high functioning Autistic wunderkind, was studying Geography in his classroom, my mom got him one of those kids placemats that has the map of the continental US on it. Along with each state was a little icon representing what it was famous for. NY had the Statue of Liberty, Wisconsin had a block of cheese, Texas had a big electric chair, and South Dakota had a little illustration of Mt. Rushmore. Sadly, MN had nothing in it's state, but then again, that's before Al Franken was our Senator because I'm sure had they just waited, a picture of Stuart Smalley would've fit perfect in there. Though, if that holds true, why not Jesse Ventura. But I digress. Anyways, somehow Nathan got it into his head that I lived in South Dakota, or specifically, at Mt. Rushmore. So every time I'd talk to him on the phone, he'd ask me "Are you at Mount Ruuuusshhhmore?" He'd draw the words out, in this charming little way, and in complete sincerity never believe me when I would tell him no, I live in Minnesota, you know, just northeast of it, next to the cheese.

So, last year, when I signed up to Walk For Autism, and I had to name my team, I knew that I had to somehow represent this little dude's fascination with Mt. Rushmore. So, RU@MtRushmore? it was. This year, in the spirit of something different, we're the Rushmore Runners.

So, please, please, please if you get a chance, check out our webpage, http://www.walknowforautism.org/minnesota/mtrushmore and learn more about this unpredictable, uncontrollable epidemic striking today's children, and how you can help. Remember, 1 out of every 150 children develops Autism. Somehow, those numbers are higher for boys, too.... 1 out of every 94 boys! That's more than pediatric cancer, childhood diabetes and AIDS combined. Every 20 minutes another child is diagnosed with Autism. And right now, there is no cure!!

If you'd like to join me, as I walk to raise awareness and support, please sign up to be on my team. It would mean the world to me to know that others believe in this cause as much as I do and want to help. If you can't walk, please make a contribution on my page - every little cent counts towards putting an end to this widespread Neurological disorder affecting innocent children. Maybe I won't ever see you at Mt. Rushmore, but hopefully, on September 26th, at the MN Walk Now For Autism in Canterbury Park, I'll see you there!

QuirkyAlone W/ Nasty Chest Cold Seeks Tall Dark Same To Validate Inner Neurosis.

I read an essay today, on what it means to be QuirkyAlone. Not just quirky, and not just alone, which taken separately people can be in a mutually exclusive manner, but literally QuirkyAlone. Sadly, I read this essay while browsing a wedding planning blog.

"A wedding planning blog?" you say?? Don't jump to conclusions, oh legion of fan (probably not enough of you to use a plural). I'm not getting married - my friend's sister is. And of course, she'll be the MOH, and so I was indulging her girliness as she kept emailing me pictures of very foofy promlike dresses. She kept sending me to all these wedding websites, where to view anything you have to sign up, and they give you two choices when you do - Are you the Bride? Or, are you the Groom? How about "Are you the nice single girl who's just supporting her friends, and has given up on finding true love herself?" Was that ever an option?

So, as I tagged along on her giddy, girly, ride, looking at websites, mock-agreeing that yes a Hot Pink haired bride really is romantic, etc, I realized that actually, for me, there is just one. Bridal website that is - RockNRollBride.com OMG @ RNRB! Were the heavens ever to implode, night become day, day become night, and a man was found on earth that was actually interested in taming this fiery beast, I would go nowhere else for inspiration for my big day. Just RockNRollBride.com. Trust me, it's the best.

But till that fourth dimension vortex of impossibility ever occurs, I've now been officially labeled as QuirkyAlone. I even took a quiz, with q & a's such as

13. On the way to work, you spot a perfect JCrew couple holding hands. What do you feel?
That's nice.
It must be so easy for you.

1. Do you like walking (alone) at night?
Yes, I am fascinated by the interactions between strangers that play out before me.
In fact, I do like to walk alone and look at the moon and the way the snow/rain glitters.
I think of walking alone in utilitarian terms: It's a matter of getting from point A to point B.
Long walks alone at night do not appeal to me. They seem dangerous and/or boring.

Not surprisingly, I scored in the highest possible category, labeling one as a QuirkyAlone. 118 points, to be exact. The description given read "Relatives may give you quizzical looks, and so may friends, but you know in your heart of hearts that you are following your inner voice. Though you may not be romancing a single person, you are romancing the world! Celebrate your freedom, you QuirkyAlone!" Which has given me license to do what I do every other night, go home and down half a bottle of Three Buck Chuck while watching whatever came in Netflix that day. So for those of you still foggy as a San Francisco morning, what exactly does it mean to be QuirkyAlone? Well, here's the general definition:

Quirkyalone noun/adj. A person who has the capacity to enjoy single life (but is not opposed to being in a relationship) and generally prefers to be alone rather than dating for the sake of being in a couple. I must say, I rather like it. It's a mindset, or so I hear.

The German poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote that "You should not let yourself be confused in your solitude by the fact that there is something in you that wants to break out of it. People have (with the help of conventions) oriented all their solutions toward the easy, and toward the easiest side of easy, but it is clear that we must hold to that which is difficult." I wholeheartedly agree. Yet, upon further examination, maybe I don't agree so wholeheartedly. I don't find my solitude difficult. Rather, I find it to be the easy solution. In solitude, I don't need to worry about another person's happiness, or sacrifice time or will, or compromise on matters of little importance really. I can do what I want, when I want. I'll never forget the feeling of surprise and elation I first felt when I realized "I'm an adult now, I can eat ice cream for dinner if I want to, and no one can tell me not to". It was a revolutionary epiphany at the age of 23. Being single, I don't need to fight for my share of the duvet from someone whose snoring could rattle the brains out of a zombie, which is exactly what I'd be every morning. I don't need to worry about someone breaking my heart by ignoring my puppy-like need for affection, or cheating on me and really, really breaking my heart, as well as the precious sanctity of marriage. For me, being alone is the lazy, complacent solution to what I perceive a relationship being - a lot of hard work.

I'm sure I'm just attempting to delude myself by this false front of independence however. By it's definition a QuirkyAlone realizes that there are benefits to being in a couple, but doesn't feel the need to be in one just to fulfill some status. I'm actually really happy being alone, and I'm sure I would be happy in the right relationship as well. The right one. Which daily I wonder if I should still be praying and holding out for? Maybe it's time to embrace just being an AloneAlone. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

So Many Lessons, So Little Time

So little time to post all I want to say that is. That's mostly because I'm at the Juice Bar, and I'm killing time before work. I was a TRAIN WRECK this morning - I only hope people can look at my hair and think it has "texture" and not see the fact that I didn't do it and it's going in about 20 different directions. It really is - I have great morning hair for that.

It's been a week! It was a weekend too. And I'm learning a lot about a lot. About seeing my own sin before I call out anyone elses. About finding solutions to the little problems I take for granted, instead of just letting them exist. About what really brings me joy when life is threatening to drown me in my sorrows. And about just being alone.

I'm frustrated too, because all the old solutions are worthless. I've seen that with the big ones - the shopping, the social drinking, etc. But now the little ones are coming to light, and I'm having to learn that they don't work either. Like complaining, or faking it. I'm just learning a lot.

I'm learning a lot about WHY I want to be a godly woman, and not just taking for granted that I should be one. That's one that I really never thought I'd see the answer for so quickly, but when I did it totally reminded me how loved I am, and by what a great God. He likes me, He really likes me.

All in all, it hasn't been an easy few weeks. Does everyone have these faith struggles, and just not share it, or is it just me?

Anyways, this isn't really a funny post - so sorry Becky. But I'll try to elaborate more later. I have so much on my heart that I want to write down, and share, and the challenge here is to balance being authentic, and totally sticking my foot in my mouth. I want to be transparent, to live an open life, and to exemplify humility and grace. But at the same time, I'm scared, because, short of God, in the end I am all alone, and I often blame that on my less than perfect life. We'll see, and for now, more better later.