Monday, June 11, 2007

Spotless Minds Breed Eternal Sunshine

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned."
Alexander Pope

So, as I was home sick today, I was praying about the whole set up thing with C.T. Here are some conclusions I came to regarding my feelings for "the one who doesn't care".

1. I need to get back to the point where I was before, where I really believed that there was not only no hope for "him" and I, but I didn't want there to be. I want to be at the point again where I remember how very not good he would be for me, and I for him.

2. I realized, that the reason I hang on, is more about me than it is about him. I asked the Lord to show me why I love him so much, and I realized that though he is an amazing guy, he has given me no reasons to love him. No hope, no basis, no reasons. I love him because it says something about my loyalty and dedication. If I hang in there, and hold out hope for him, I am a romantic, a loyal person, and would have a great story. But what reason do I base my hope on? There are none that he has given me. I am in a hopeless situation, and I choose to stay there.

3. That being realized, I figured out that one of the other reasons I hold on is because there is no one else. When I was dating M. or J., recently, I was more than ready to forget about "him", and their attentions and affections helped me to do that. Maybe all I need is a good distraction.

So, yeah, that's what I kind of figured out today. Which makes me really, really excited to be set up by the girls on this blind date. I mean, what the heck. It's just a date! If nothing else, I can get a good friend out of it, and who doesn't want that.

Hopefully, however, even if I just get a friend, I will get "him" amnesia in the process, and forget about the one who doesn't care for me. I need some Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind.

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