Monday, April 16, 2007

Where I'm At....In Case You Were Wondering

1. lying asleep or as if asleep; inactive, as in sleep; torpid
2. in a state of rest or inactivity; inoperative; in abeyance:

It was a long weekend, with a lot of people. A LOT of people. I hadn't really wanted to go to the HCC Spring Retreat this year, after all that's been going on in my life, being around that many people, happy people, was the last thing that sounded good to me. But I kept telling myself that I could hang with my small group, and that I should honor the sacrifice that S & C made for me to be there.

So I went.

And it was ok. But I didn't really get much out of the theme, "Divine Direction". I am no closer now to knowing what God's plan is for my life than I was a month ago, or a week ago, or two days ago.

(I do know that I cannot ever date or marry a man who does not know how to be a good navigator. Speaking of divine directions, we got lost on the way up, and it's a good thing J & I are just friends because it would have been a break up if we were more.)

But what I did find out this weekend, spiritually, is that I am at a place where I have nothing to give to God. I have nothing at all, barely the worship I can muster out of obedience for who He is. I am solely reliant upon Him to do anything with me at all. Including spark desire in my heart for a stronger relationship with Him. I am dormant.

It was hard for me to be around Hopesters this weekend. What with all their "Praise God"'s and "Hallelujah"'s, arms waving, feet tapping, nary a gloomy folk in the bunch. I am in a less joyful mood these days. I do not deny that I have reason to be thankful, and in many things I am still thankful. But a lot of what has annoyed me recently is the sacharine sweet smiles and generic encouragement that people seem to be ready to spew. Instead of listening, really listening, and not judging, someone who is "in the valley of the shadow of death" spiritually right now, people can be quick to pat your back, smile and remind you that "Jesus loves you". DUR!

If I know anything, trust anything, believe anything, at all, right now, it is this. Yeah, Jesus does love me. And He wants to show me. And He wants a relationship with me. And He will return one day to take me home, where He has been waiting for me, His beloved, for a long, long time. I love that Jesus. I have not forgotten that, nor do I need to be reminded of that. It is the one thing that I can count on and rest firm in during a time when I don't know what else to believe besides that.

But the thing is, I do not know what else to believe besides that. I am at a loss, confused and shaken by lies and attack. I am tired, emotionally, and just want the rest of a "green pasture", some "still waters" and a "banquet in the midst of my enemies". I know this promise is mine, but I need a little more prodding by His rod and staff to get there yet. I trust that He is my Good Shepherd and that when I can barely stay on my sheepy, smelly little feet, He will move me in the way He wants me to go. I trust in the God that gave His life for me. What the details look like, I don't know.

But, I am comforted by the recollection of this verse, this weekend:

The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying:
“I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
I will build you up again
and you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel.
Again you will take up your tambourines
and go out to dance with the joyful.” Jeremiah 31:3-4

I am quietly filled with a small amount of joy at the remembrance that God's promises are for me. This verse is for me! Though I am sad, and am going through this tough time, He will restore me. In an even greater sense, as I face the beginning of the opening of Pandora's Box, in figuring out some things in my life, I can trust that the end result will be restoration. He will build me up again, and cause me to be joyful. That kind of joy, the kind that stems from hard work, energy, pain, sorrow and trials, and is the result of God's work in my life, will mean more to me than any giddiness or whoop-dee-dooing that I may be missing out on now.

I can't wait, O God, for You to restore my zeal for You. To restore my joy in You. For You to build up again this woman You have allowed to be torn down, and for Your vessell to be one of honor, that I might serve You and love You!

For all of you who may have thought I'm just a spiritual curmudgeon this weekend, that's where I'm at.

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