Monday, April 16, 2007

What This World Is Coming To

"If I were a parent"....oh dear God, that phrase crossed my lips at least 25 times this weekend, and ran through my mind at least a hundred more. Good thing I am not.

I can't help it. I'm getting older, and as someone kindly observed at breakfast this weekend, I have a thing for "high manners". So, I naturally think to myself that half the kids I know are hooligans, and the other half are probably just psychopaths who hide it very well. (Come on, not really!)

Don't get me wrong, I love kids. When we can sit and converse and they tell me what they're learning in school, or when they say funny things and look cute. And I adore babies. Babies are awesome, but babies don't talk yet, and you can give them back when they get fussy. I must've held Ole Skrein a million times this weekend, and every time I could not give him back. The looks on his face, his big expressive blue eyes. The way a little smile lights up.....ok I'll stop.

To the real reason for this post!

Anyways, today, as I was catching up on some of my favorite blogs, Ubermilf included, I ran across this site for "Bargain Prom Dresses" and I just had to laugh.**

Because, if I were a parent, I would want my kids to learn English from the writer of this website. And I quote

"your girlfriends may be looking for inexpensive prom dresses and actually end up with sexy evening gownsor designer evening gowns that look like very elegant evening gowns. When you go to the prom and display sexy evening gowns your friends in their designer evening gowns and their elegant evening gowns will surprise you since they said they were going to come in inexpensive prom dresses. Evening gowns make you feel beautiful. Elegant evening gowns make you feel elegant. Designer evening gowns make you feel rich. Sexy evening gowns make you feel sexy."
Just think, same person that wrote that, somewhere else in the website posted this Pulitzer winning little snippet:

"Lingerie is something that you shop for after you get the gown. You can look for prom lingerie and get wholesale lingerie and it can look like expensive lingerie and nonetheless it will still be prom lingerie. Trashy lingerie is often plus size lingerie but that doesn't mean it isn't beautiful and looks like prom lingerie. Plus size lingerie comes in many forms of prom lingerie everything from vintage prom lingerie to wholesale lingerie you can always get discount lingerie at a great price and will look fabulous. Prom lingerie will finish off any prom gown whether it is trashy lingerie or wholesale lingerie or plus size lingerie. Lingerie sometimes can look like trashy lingerie but when you wear prom lingerie it will be pretty"

Are there classes to learn to write like that? Sign me up!!

Even more shocking, though, than the writing skills on this site, are the clothes they are hocking. Because, if I were a parent, I would totally encourage my teenage daughter to order a dress that costs as much as my rent, and will transform her instantly into either a drag queen or a hooker, or better yet, both.

Good Lord, who makes this crap!! Better yet, who buys it?? If I were a parent, and my child ever wanted to wear anything remotely resembling any of the outfits on this site, I would die of sheer horror, and in my last will and testament they would get the chewing out of their life, regarding modesty, class, and style.

This is assuming that, if I were a parent, my children would ever even want to wear anything this horrible. I mean, come on, they would be my children after all. Is style hereditary? Does it skip a generation (scary mental image of my mom looking like a bag lady in that dilapidated old mumu, men's white sweat socks and cheap Payless Birkenstock knockoffs).

What if I marry a man, a wonderful man, who in all his wonderfulness, and with all his absolutely stellar qualities, can't dress himself? I mean, if we were serious and in love, actions would be taken. He in all his wonderfulness and wisdom would concede that one of the reasons he married me was because, with the gentleness of a lamb and the love of all things good and holy, I managed to make him over into a fashionably acceptable member of society, all the while loving him for who he was inside and never once offending his sensibilities, scoring him a promotion at work in the process.

In any case, hopefully, if I were a parent, my children would never choose such hideous, terror invoking, rags of polyester in which to barely cover themselves. But if they did, well, I don't know. I haven't thought that far. After all, fortunately for society, and the children that are yet to be out there, I am not a parent.

** Just a warning to you male readers out there, if you're going to visit this site, please know that I have warned you that some of the outfits are pretty revealing. I don't want to be responsible for the burning of your eyes with red hot pokers that will occur as you witness these Modesty Travesties.

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