5:19

I may not be the first to have a Matt Wertz crush, but I am definitely the first person I know to blog about it. I was introduced to MW at the Jars of Clay concert. I didn't think he was the best thing about the concert at the time, though my JOC hating friends certainly did. I just thought he was cute as a bug in a rug and kind of catchy. So I came home and downloaded some of his stuff, listened to it non-stop for about a week and then moved on.

But this week I came back, not necessarily to him in general as much as to his song "5:19". I have been in one of those moods - kind of reflective, a tad romantic, a little folksy even. I have played the heck out of "Hey There Delilah" and think it is so sweet. I want someone to want me to wait for them, like the singer of that song.

Or like Matt Wertz, in 5:19, I want someone to say they are "holding loose, but ain't letting go". Because I think that's what I'm doing.

So, I wasn't going to blog about this, but I can fit it into the context of this song, and that's all the excuse I need. I'm holding loose, far from tight, loose as a goose. But in my heart, I know I'm not letting go.

Is this good? Is it bad? Is it neither? My friends are convinced it's horrific, it's not what I deserve and it's going to sabotage any chance for a great relationship in my life. But I am not so sure. I am holding onto feelings that I know I should let go of. Common sense, and somewhere inside says "You know better than this". I think I really do know the truth of the situation - the hopeless, sad truth. Nothing at all gives me hope to think this will go anywhere or come to any fruition.

But somewhere deep inside, in the pit of my heart, I like holding on. I like saying "I would wait, if you wanted me to". Even though it's to someone that doesn't hear and wouldn't respond even if he did. I hold on, I don't ever really give up, though the reins are so loose sometimes they're like spider web floss blowing in the wind. I can't see them, I forget they're there. I forget I care, and then something makes me remember.

My first reaction at remembering is one of anger - "Damn you, I forgot that I cared, why did you have to remind me?" Then it's one of elation - "Wow, I still care for you, this could happen. Cool". Then it's just sadness - "Wait, this is crazy, I am stupid. Why am I doing this to myself again?". Will the next step be back to forgetting? A part of me sure hopes so. That part hopes I can forget that I'm holding on, and let the ties that bind my feelings slip away once again. But another part holds on, keeps hope alive and still keeps the strings entwined in my fingers and around my heart. That part sings an entirely different song.

What's so wrong with holding loose, and not letting go? Matt Wertz did it, and we all loved his song. But that was just a song. Even if it was real, what girl could resist a guy that writes songs about love? I can't write songs, I can barely write a sentence, as I'm sure you readers are becoming atune too. What can I do? I can bake cupcakes and unfortunately in the book of love, that got edited out. Maybe someday someone will write a song about love and cupcakes. "The one that never gave up, after so long now, and made a bunch of nice treats". What would that song be called?

I'm starting to think something with the word "fool" in it.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, it goes a little something like this (Matt Wertz's song, 5:19 that is):

I'd be lying throught my teeth if I told you
That I'm ok
When July came I thought I had it all together
Til' you said I need some space
Truth be told
It's so hard to wait

With one eye on the clock
And one on the phone
It's 5:19...
I'm feeling alone
And if I could talk to you
I'd want you to know
I'm holding loose
But ain't letting go

We both know that I could think myself dizzy
Right now I'm spinning around
I know you said, "baby, don't worry"
But I miss you right now
I said I, miss you right now

With one eye on the clock
And one on the phone
It's 5:19...
I'm feeling alone
And if I could talk to you
I'd want you to know
I'm holding loose
But ain't letting go

Baby, take all the time you need
I just want you to know
I'll be here, waiting

With one eye on the clock
And one on the phone
It's 5:19...
I'm feeling alone
So if I could talk to you
I'd want you to know
I'm holding loose
But ain't letting go
(x2)