Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Happy To Be

Yeah, I don’t really have much to say. Nothing much is new. I’m working. Get up, iron, shower, get on my bike, and go to work. Work, eat lunch. Work some more. Come home. Make dinner, watch TV. Read, fall to sleep. Sleep restlessly. Get up & do it all over again.

Exciting. I know. I miss the days of not having much planned, so I could do anything. I’m not good at the whole “day in and day out” kind of thing. I like having a more flexible schedule so I can do wacky things in the middle of the day. Take off on a bike ride. Be spontaneous. Take naps. Ahhhh, pastry chef hours. They may have been early, but they were flexible.

Someone told me recently, in a brief moment of speaking truth into my life, with great insight, that I don’t seem like a very content person. I agree. I am a “grass is always greener” kind of gal. I don’t mean to be. I just, I’m restless. I have restless life syndrome. (Anyone who’s sat next to me in church lately knows I’m fidgety too, just a sidethought!)

What would it take for the Lord to make me content in my daily routine, and not always longing for something different? Could this character flaw possibly be because nothing in this life will ever really satisfy me, and deep down I know it? I want something more, but the life I want is not exactly realistic. Own a gluten free bakery, somewhere near the beach, in Oregon, and work only a few hours in the morning each day, and spend the rest of the day on the beach with kids and/or family/friends. Come on, that’s my dream – I can be as frivolous as I want!

So much has changed lately. I wouldn’t mind a bit of peace & quiet, I tell myself. Yet, when the peace and quiet come, as they have in the last week or so, with the disguise of routine, do I ever appreciate it as much as I think I will? I don’t think I do. I get wanderlust, I get restless and I want to do something different than what I’m doing. Urrr, is there no satisfying this crazy girl??

I think, the fact is – I am not a content person. That could be a sin, were it not for the fact that I don’t think I’m necessarily “discontent”. Does that make sense? It’s not that I don’t love what I have now. I just want something more than what I have right now. I want a loving, game playing family, a husband, babies, ministry, a dog, the beach, fall weather, new black boots, a car, a cream colored wool coat, world peace, twins, a horse, a puppy, Clive Owen…….oh snap, I think I was daydreaming.

What I mean to say is this – Is there a difference between being discontent (i.e., grumbly, grumpy, crabby), and being restless (i.e. not content with life where it’s at?). Is that lack of contentment at life’s present circumstances an inkling of the good things I long for, that I hope life brings me, and on a larger scale, a picture of the fact that I’m not made for this earth & never will be quite at home here? Or is it a sin that I’m just not facing, because it’s so ingrained in my personality?

I see a picture, here before me, on my desk, of a time when I was happy, really having a good time and content with my day’s agenda. There are many people in it – Kirstie, Kaya, the boys, Jon, Aidan (who I still feel really, really bad about biting this weekend. I wish I wasn’t such a biter!!). We are all smiling, because on that summer day we were all driving up north, with not much of a plan other than to have fun. That was a great day. Today, I wish I could be doing that instead of being enclosed under fluorescent lights doing accounting. Maybe that’s not discontentment – just a great memory of a really fun time. What’s so wrong with that?

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