A letter to the hateful little minx at the SLP Anthro:

Dear snotty little salesgirl with the bad Joan Jett hairdo:

I'm on to you missy. Oh, I'm on to you, and after yesterday, well it's war. Here's the thing, I'm not a hateful or vengeful person. But I've been in the retail and customer service industry long enough to know the reek of insincerity, and trust me honey, it's oozing from your pores. And lying to me? Really? What's your deal? Well whatever it is, game on sister. Game. On.

Here's what I don't understand: When I first came into your store a few months ago with a return from Arbor Lakes, I could tell you weren't happy about it. That's fine. "Oh, they must work on commission", I thought, because what else would cause you to be so rude to me on that occasion? But even still, it was just so out of character for your company to treat a customer like that.

Your attitude was palpable, the way you rolled those little double entendres off your tongue - "Are you absolutely SURE you don't want to look around for anything else today?" and "You really want to bring back this gorgeous bag? Really?". Yes, really sweetie. Do you question all your customers like that? Oh, and did you think I was too dumb to catch the fact that you were pissed I wasn't buying anything that day? You may think you're subtle, sweetheart, but trust me, there's nothing that sneaks by this keen intellect, especially not your clobbering, obvious insults. You're gonna have to try a lot harder than that.

Even so, I couldn't understand how a store that has such impeccable customer service and personalized attention could tolerate the kind of 'tude you were slinging around. I wondered if you were a manager, and thought that maybe your little air of superiority was because you got off on being in management at an Anthro store. Oooooh, good job college grad!! The way you stuck your bourgeoisie little nose in the air as you processed my return was almost laughable, if it wasn't so pathetic. Oh, and speaking of laughable, I got a call from Robert Pattinson last night... he says that Kristin Stewart wants her hair back. Poseur!

In any case, I quickly forgot about it and moved on, deciding to only shop at the Edina or Arbor Lakes store. There's no reason to keep subjecting myself to your trite little negativities when there are perfectly wonderful people like Molly and Jeanette and the chick with the really cool 1950's eyeliner & Barbie doll obsession at the other stores. But yesterday, yesterday brought me back into your realm, and just like oil meeting water, as soon as I saw you, and you saw me, and we locked eyes, I knew it was going to be epic.

Thankfully you knew better than to even try and fake niceties to me, and let that sweet African American girl who's always stuck in the dressing rooms help me. But when it came time to check out, and I wanted to find a necklace to match the Tracy Reese dress I've been eyeing for over a week, and you hemmed and hawed before handing the dress to me from behind the counter, I knew nothing had changed. What's your deal anyway? Why can't I take the dress that I'm buying, from behind the counter, and try and find a necklace for it? Do you make sure that ALL your customers aren't allowed to carry merchandise around the store, or is it just me? What do you think I'm gonna make a run for it when no one is looking and dash out the store, dress in hand, sensor attached, sirens blaring behind me??? Get a life moron, I just want a stinking necklace.

I was so ready to be done with you, but then I remembered I wanted to see if you had that adorable blue tunic in any other sizes or colors. So politely I asked if you would mind checking on that for me, and without even lifting a finger to check your computer, you just stared me down and said "No". Come on! I didn't realize you had every single piece of clothing in your store memorized with all their particular size and color details. How smart you must be! I can't believe you even made me ask you to please double check on that for me - you ought to be ashamed of yourself. If a customer is having to ask you to please double check on something, and can smell out your lies like the bad, rotting egg that you are, there is DEFINITELY something wrong. After consulting your computer, you stared back at me with your cold, dead, fish eyes and pronounced that no, that tunic comes only up to a size 10. Ok, I took you at your word, and we moved on.

Oh, by the way - I went online yesterday afternoon, as soon as I got home, and guess what? That tunic - It comes in another color and two more sizes. Did you even check online for me, or did you simply move the mouse around and type in a few random keys to make me think you were looking? Why would you not want to sell me something I want? And why the heck did you lie to me? I'm going back in there today, btw, and I'm going to ask you to order that tunic for me. In the size I want. In the color I want. Shipping free, on your store. Because that's how I roll, and you better get used to it.

But I digress. The rest of our time together yesterday, once you started ringing me up, was no better. As a matter of fact, your meager attempts at service were such a joke. I'm buying a dress and a necklace, for goodness sake - that's a decent sale, yet you still managed to get your snide little quips in there. "So, this is all you're buying?" Yep, that's it honey. "You tried on a lot of tops, didn't you want to buy any of those?" Well if I did, they'd be up here at the counter, in your grimy little clutches, and you'd be ringing them up, now wouldn't you?

Here's the deal - I don't know what I ever did to piss you off, or to get on your bad side. But I'm pretty sure your intense dislike of me has been a one-sided issue, up til now. But you can't treat customers this way. Heck, you can't treat people this way. You're rude. And snotty. And frankly sweetie, you don't have much to be snotty about. You're pretty average, working retail, with a bad 80's rock-chick haircut, which thankfully it looks like you're trying to grow out.

Get over yourself, and start treating people nicely. If you're unhappy in your life, in your job, whatever, get over it and make a change. But don't think that because you read a book on how to be a snob it makes you any good at it. I wrote that book honey. And you're getting a big, fat F! I almost feel sorry for you, because frankly, you're losing at a game you shouldn't even trying to be playing. And in the meantime, you're giving your store a bad reputation.

So, here's the deal - other than going back in, and ordering that tunic today, I'm gonna stay out of your way, and please, stay out of mine. You can have the SLP store, and leave me Arbor Lakes and Edina. Don't transfer, and I won't visit. But take my words to heart - I see right through you, and you're a sad little vixen with a bad haircut and a grimy greasy heart. You're the Grinch of Anthro. And I don't like you.

With all the niceties I could muster, and a whole lotta honesty,
Yours truly,

Trinette.

BABIES - Pretty much a good thing.

I'm pretty sure the Bot directed this movie, in her spare time. But I could be wrong. Either way, I want to go see it this week, and plan on reviewing it as soon as I do. I'm sure my reviews will be something along the lines of single word sentences, followed by multiple exclamation points, ala "CUTE!!!" and "ADORABLE!!!!!"

Either way, Babies - How can you not love them?

Postscript to Hiding In Plain Sight. Subtitle: A Good Solution

I've decided. I'm gonna shake the blues that have me all twitterpated today, and choose to find joy in the good life that I have. Tonight I'm gonna find something good to do with my time that will send these needless and senseless blues packing away. I think it's 1.) time to start on Chlo-Bot's quilt, and 2.) maybe watch some old Bones episodes, and 3.) eat some spicy Thai or Chinese food for dinner. Woooo.... Bonus #4 - I found my journal, and haven't journaled any prayers for while, that would be a great end to the evening!! Four things that are bound to bring me joy. Four things that are a better solution than feeling sorry for myself or wondering if I'm really depressed or not.

And because I haven't in a long, long time, here's a few more things that remind me how greatly I'm loved, from the TLP.

1. Psalm 17:7 - "Show me the wonder of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes." I guess you could say it's the TLP theme verse

2. Amazing kids that I get to teach. How did I get to be so blessed as to lead them in truth and spend time just talking and teaching them every week? Truly, I don't deserve such an honor and a privelege.

3. Being told I'm anything but boring, from one of the most fun, spirited and lively women I know. Denice, I heart you.

4. Remembering that God is faithful to me, more than I ever could be faithful to seek Him out. Wow, grace is a beautiful thing.

(Oh, the TLP - or The Love Project for you newcomers to my blog. When did I stop writing down a new way I'm shown God's love for me daily? Silly wabbit - it's time to reinstate that in my life. )

The time I've been given here to do something with my life is too short for me to waste it feeling blue or sorry for myself. It's time to buck up buttercup, and to remember that there is much to look forward to and take joy in, in this life, even amongst all the crap that's out there competing for my attention too. Yeah, I can hide in plain sight, but what good is a lamp under a basket? Today, I hope that my life would be beautiful glowing candlelight, reflecting joy. This, I think, would be a good decision.

Hiding In Plain Sight

Someone asked me if I was depressed the other day. "So what if I am?", was my first response, my gut reaction. In talking about it with another friend yesterday, he told me that being asked that was nothing he wouldn't do also, and that if he was suspicious that I was he'd call me out on it. I'm afraid he's not the only one that would do so either. Urgh!

If I am depressed, I doubt anyone would ever really know it either. I feel like I hide in plain sight pretty well. I know the right answers, I smile and look pretty. I can fake it pretty darn well - hell, I've been doing it for years. "What would be your dead giveaway?", I want to ask these people who are so apt to call me out on my melancholia? But I don't, because I know deep down they only care. And also I know that it could lead into a conversation about my tells, and frankly, if I keep them, I keep a part of me that I'm refusing to surrender out of stubbornness. Sometimes I do hide a pretty wicked case of the blues. But knowing that I'm keeping this secret, I need to ask myself these questions - Is it right? Is it healthy? Is it good for me? No, and I know that. Does that reduce the temptation to do it anyways? Not always. Most days I'm lucky to be living vulnerably and authentically, and am kept from doing something that I could so easily get away with, hiding it all away. Most days I'm surrendered to that fact. Today I'm fighting it like a wild stallion being bridled.

I guess I'm just upset today, and I can't figure out why. Mother's Day does this to me. A few MD's back my mom and I got into a huge fight that ended a week later with her in a terribly bad situation and left me feeling guilty for years after. I walk on eggshells every single Mother's Day, and I straddle the line between being grateful for the mom's in my life that pour their love into me almost daily, and feeling sorry for myself because of the broken relationship my own mother and I have. How do I celebrate something that I don't experience with much joy or excitement?

Sometimes I just want a normal, happy, 1950's family. Other times I just want to be left alone. Sometimes I'm close to being depressed, yes. But I always count my blessings and know that my joy comes from God, who loves me like no earthly parent ever will. There is a fine line, a strict balance between the blues that want to overtake me and a heart of gratitude. No matter how my emotions feel one day to the next, I know I'll be ok.

Today, as I was driving home from our Mother's Day brunch, where I was blessed with the company of people who love me, I couldn't help but just want to listen to sad songs. First "Nobody Girl" by Ryan Adams came on, and it couldn't have been more appropriate.

Better off as a fool than the owner of that kind of heart,
They don't know you anyway
They don't know you and they don't watch you walk away
Just a nobody girl....
You say you follow you heart
Well honey, you're just being lost
You say you follow your gut
Well honey how much does it cost?
They don't know you anyway
They don't know you and they don't watch you walk away
Just a nobody girl.

But a few minutes later, this song came on. I think it fits much better, and at the end of the car ride, it's the one I'm going to walk away singing

In open fields of wildflowers

She breathes the air and flies away

She thanks her Jesus for the daisies and the roses

In no simple language

Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heaven

As close as a heartbeat or song on her lips

Someday she'll trust Him, learn how to see Him

Someday He'll call her and she will come running

And fall in His arms, the tears will fall down and she'll pray

"I want to fall in love with You."

Bringing Sexy Back

Things I Think Are Hot:


- a stack of books by an unmade bed


- the smell of any sort of tobacco (well, not chewing)


- laughing so hard you can't stop, or you snort, or both


- guys who wear glasses


- sweat pants on a Saturday at home


- art museums


- rain soaked hair


- old black & white movies. Double points for anything Hitchcock.


- ordering a Manhattan


- community naps


- down comforters


- hats


- buttery, supple leather


- ummm, armpits?


- unexpected winks


- camping


- bedhead


- the smell of night blooming jasmine in the summer air


- Jimmy Stewart, Jack Shepherd, Sophia Loren, Conan O'Brien and Rachel Weisz


- dancing to your own beat



- Brittish accents


- eating with chopsticks. Double points if it's spicy Thai food.


- "You want the moon? I'll lasso the moon for you!"


- Good guys. Keep your bad boys, I don't want 'em.


- knowing you're at ease in your own skin, and just going with it.


- substantial eyebrows


- going out for breakfast


- sighs


- libraries


- baseball.

An Early Mother's Day Message

Sometimes I just want my mom. Which is totally ironic, because the thing I want my mom for most, is comfort. And I wouldn't necessarily categorize my mom in the "gentle, nurturing, and comforting" category. Matter of fact, if someone was to play my mom in a movie of her (or mine, for that matter) life, it would be a cross between Roseanne Barr and Susan Sarandon. Susan Sarandon pulls off the vodka swilling, pill popping, devil may care, worldly sophistication like no one else can, and Roseanne, well, let's just say it's a given, DUR. Sidenote: My mom will probably read this, and be royally pissed off at me for two months, but whatever mom, I'm a big girl, I do what I want, and I'm not saying anything that's not true so get over yourself and move on. BTW - I love you just way you are.

My point is this: Sometimes I just want to be comforted, in that head in the lap, hair stroked, don't worry baby, it's gonna be okay kinda way that we associate only with our mom's. But because my mom is neither that kinda gal, and because she lives thousands of miles away, it just never happens and I am left feeling sadly hollow. This is never something that really occured for me growing up either, so where I got this picture of motherly comfort from is beyond me. But as an adult, I have not outgrown the need to just be comforted in a kind and gentle, reassuring way sometimes.

I say that I have no idea where this need for comfort has come from, and in all honesty, I know that's not true. I think we all have this need deep down inside somewhere. Even the strongest, toughest, most independant, motorcycle riding burly guys love their moms and have the tats to prove it. As human beings, we are fragile, emotionally and physically, and the need for comfort is a way of hearing that our inherent fragility is well, ok. Whether that's from our mom's, or just in general, comfort and reassurance is something that at one time or another we all have needed, whether we can identify it or not.

In a way, it's awe inspiring to think of our own fragility. We are not tough creatures, invincible, all powerful and godlike. And though we are made in the image of God and do, to some limited extent, have strength, we are still just fragile, vulnerable creation. As Shakespeare's character Shylock asked in the Merchant of Venice "If you prick us, do we not bleed?If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us,do we not die?" Yeah, we're kinda weak like that. And that's something I'm okay with. Just as I enjoy being a woman, for all the reasons that I'm not a man (softer skin, softer hair, the ability to bear children, emotional acuity, breasts), I enjoy being weak for all the reasons that I'm not strong. I like to know that I need a Savior, someone who died for me, because I could never do this life on my own. Someone that will take care of me, protect me, love me, nurture me, be my Guardian, my Hero. I am okay with being weak, because in it, I can receive comfort, both earthly, and from the only One who can truly offer it perfectly and wholly - my wonderful Father God - and that feels really, really good.

Anyways, lately, as I'm going through this life in such raw state of emotional fragility and open, apparent vulnerability, the thing I'm craving most is just to lay my head in my mom's lap, have her rub my hair and coo that she loves me and it's going to be ok. It may be only partially true, but I just want to hear it. I'm without a home, without a job, without a plan, and right now, without my mom. It kinda hurts sometimes. So what I want to say is this - Wherever you are out there mom, know that for all your faults, your occasional lack of sensitivity, the way you never listen to me on the phone and your general quirkiness, I really do love you, and am glad that you're my mom. I wouldn't trade you for any other model. You've helped shape me into the resilient, sarcastic, tough as nails fighter that I am, and for that I'm grateful. You've also shown me the importance of being a comforter, being someone who offers reassurance and sensitivity to others. You've watched football with me, taught me how to cook, made me laugh, definitely made me cry, and most of all, made me really proud to be your daughter.

Happy Mother's Day Cathie. I love you. Now get back to your nap.

Happy Birthday To You.... Whoever You Are.

Have you ever been out at a store, and seen something, and just known it was PERFECT for someone, and you had to get it, because eventually it was gonna be their birthday, and you could have an excuse to give it to them?


That was me last night, at Barnes & Noble. I'm there to pick up a book about quilting, so I can actually try and be good at it, and as I'm walking to the check out, a book caught my eye. As soon as I saw the title, I just knew it was for this one specific person. And so I bought it, because, like I said, eventually they'll have a birthday, and I'll have an excuse to just give it to them.


Now, I'm not in favor of holding off on gift giving. Heck, I'm all for gift giving year round. We don't need to wait for Christmas or Birthdays to show people we're thinking about them, or to bless them. But sometimes, as in this case, it might be a little awkward to give someone something out of the blue, so a birthday's as good as an excuse as any. And not that I buy into this load of Christianese, but if I had to say what my "Love Language" is (the one I give, not receive) it's gifts. I LOVE getting gifts for people (btw, receiving.... it's touch. Definitely touch). Finding presents that are picture-perfect for my friends and that are representations of their personality brings me great enjoyment. It doesn't have to be big, sometimes it's as little as a card, or a magnet. It really IS the thought that counts.


So this morning when I woke up, and I looked inside my Barnes & Noble bag to pull out my new quilting book, I saw the book, and I inscribed the first page with a little note that conveys the message of "I thought this book was PERFECT for you.". That way if I get hit by a bus and die today, I'll know there's a good chance that this person will get their birthday present, albeit a little early. And that brings me great joy. Well, not the getting hit by a bus and dying part, but you know what I mean.


So, my challenge to you all today is this - think about the last time you just showed someone they are your friend and/or mean something to you, in a way that is out of the ordinary and meaningful. I'm not talking the rudimentary, compulsory pat on the shoulder and "Hey honey, I'm thankful for you" affirmation. I'm talking really thinking about how we show the people around us that we're truly thankful they're in our lives. Think about the last time someone told or showed you that you're special to them, and then remember how it made you feel. I may sound like the Happy Hippie here, but wouldn't the world be a nicer place to live if we all did that for each other a little more often? I'm pretty sure hearing "hey, you're special" today would feel just like a birthday, and who doesn't like those?

A New Hobby

So, I've started quilting. I started last night. My first project is a baby blanket for the Bot. Baby Chloe, to those of you scratching your chins in confusion right about now. I got the most adorable brown and pink fabrics, with little pictures of Paris, the Eiffle Tower, etc on it, and I can't wait to see the finished result. Despite the fact that this is a super-easy pattern I still am crazy nervous and am pretty sure it's gonna come out spastic. Aaaah, whatever, it's made with love.

I have more fabric, for a little boy's quilt too, and hopefully, if I can pick up the skills necessary to be good at quilting, I'll get more fabric when I go back down to Lansing, before Yellow Bird Art closes out on May 15th. BTW - how sad is that?

In the meantime, I'm honing up my seamstress skills, and hoping that I can someday be as good as my mom is on a sewing machine. I'd love to learn how to make children's clothing, and this picture, of adorably baby Joy, has me totally inspired. In anticipation of being good enough to make children's clothes, I did get a pattern or two at YBA, while they were 50-75% off.

Exciting stuff, and as soon as I can get some pictures up, I will. Yay.... here's to a summer spent sewing. There's worse things in life.

Random Randomness

Hey it's me. Yeah, me. I just wanted to say that, and don't know why. Actually I do - I have so many things on my mind right now that I couldn't come up with a good intro, and I figured "hey it's me" is as good as any.


I bought a new journal last night. After years of hating journaling (an intense hatred too, the kind where I just refused to do it), I am for the first time in my life actually enjoying it. Having cute journals and nice Sharpie pens helps. It does, really. So last night, after dinner and an ice cream cone (mmmm, Sebastian Joes) with Josh, I dragged him into Patina, where I bought a new journal. I thought he would hate it, but he didn't. We might need to go back.


I wish I would have had said journal with me this week at camp, because there were so many blog post inspirational thoughts floating around in my mind, as I worked my little tail off. I know I had at least three, but only one of them comes back to me right now. I'll have to pray for memory on the other two. And make sure I write them down in my lovely new journal.


Also while at camp this week I took up a new hobby. Well I didn't take it up WHILE at camp, but in anticipation of being at camp this summer, and also while in Lansing, I took up..... wait for it...... Quilting!!! I. Am. SOOOO. Excited!! I can't even begin to tell y'all how excited I am. I bought a pattern that looks ridiculously easy, incorporates a ton of fusing so I don't have to stitch as much as I iron (a househole chore I'm ridiculously good at, and love), and is the perfect size for babies. Because, really, if I'm going to be making quilts, I want to make them for all the kids and babies I love. I don't need a quilt, and don't think I'd have the patience for making full size ones. But I would love to give them to the awesome kids in my life. So I bought some beautiful brown & pink fabrics (for a little girl) and blue/green/purple fabrics (for a little boy) for my very first ones, and I am ready to go.


I have perfect motivation to start it too - I can't begin, literally or figuratively, till I'm done packing. Because A.) I don't have a place to set up, B.) I'm hoping Peggy will let me use her sewing machine and C.) I need to find all my sewing supplies and get them packed up & moved before I can start anything. Oh, and there's the fact that I have a wicked amount of work ahead of me today and tomorrow morning. But, if all goes well and my first one is a success, then I have a whole summer in the middle of nowhere to perfect my craft. I. Am. STOKED!!!!! Seriously.


Speaking of summer plans - I still can't say for sure what I'm doing. I know what I want to be doing. I know what I think I'll be doing. But I am waiting for the people I'd be doing it for/with, to let me know for sure that this is what's happening. And unlike last week, where I was stressing out about it, I'm at a lot more peace about my summer plans.


Being at camp this week helped that a lot, as I went from questioning and doubting that I could "be away and be ok", to enjoying the time away from city lights, noise, constant social networking, and everyone I know. Instead of fighting God, as He tries to get me alone and get my attention, I began to be at peace with it, and desire it more and more. The wanderlust in me began to churn up, as I made the drive on Hwy 9, through rolling valleys of patchworked green. At one point, I wondered if I could just take the change in my pocket, and keep on driving, and end up somewhere that no one knew me, and just start over again. Anonymous and alone. To say that my fight or flight instinct is flight, well, that's an understatement.


But running away for good isn't the answer, and I know that. All running does is drag my broken heart along with me. Instead, one night as I was sitting out on J&A's deck, a campfire next to me, crickets and frogs and God knows what else singing in the background, staring off at the fields of green and the sky carpeted with stars, I knew that being out in the middle of Iowa for the summer was the thing I desired most in my life. To be in a spot where God can get me alone - where He can take me into that desert place to speak love to me. To let Him pour into me, and then in turn to pour all my time and energy into youth ministry. To bring Christ to kids in communities so small that they can't see past the same green fields and starry sky. To help them meet Him, and then to walk with them as they get to know Him more. And let's face it, to not have to see a certain face or hear the same booming laugh twelve times a week. In a big way, I know now that the best thing I can do is get out of Dodge for a while. My heart needs it. My relationship with the Lord needs it. I want it. So I really, really hope it happens.


And I plan on taking a few more journals with me, so maybe another Sebastian Joe's/Patina trip is in order. There is the prospect of quilting in my downtime, that is if I turn out to be any good at it. Even so, I know that pouring out in words all that God does in my life this summer is going to be something I won't want to neglect. Something deep inside tells me that there'll be plenty to write about, and that it's gonna be pretty good.

Hindsight is 20/20

So, I've been freaking out a bit lately. Ask anyone who knows me. I've been at the verge of tears with a single glance, avoiding answering questions, though they get thrown at me by everyone I know, because the only answer I have is "I don't know". I've been scared, uncertain, paralyzed by all the things I don't know and can't control, subject to dealing with emotions I thought had long been forgotten, and I'm a little on edge these days. It's been crazy. For the first time in a long time, really been brought to my knees in vulnerability and humility. Yeah, God's breaking me. Isn't that great?

Actually it is. Because I realized, that I'm not seeing the bigger picture, and it's exactly what He wants to do, not just what He needs to do. This is such a wonderful thing! And after going back last night and reading my journal for the last two months, I see that it's not just what He wants to do, but what I've wanted Him to do to all along.

Imagine my surprise when last night I went back and was reading excerpts from things I wrote in February, and March, where I ask Him

"Please have your way with me. Do whatever it is You know You need to do to bring me closer to You. I just want to follow You, with all my heart and every fiber of my being. Make it happen."

And then another passage, when I was on the beach in California, before so much changed in my life, when I wrote

"My only desire is to be right where You are. I don't want to do Your work, I want to join YOU in the work You're already doing, and get to participate in what You've already started. Don't let me start anything new, in and of my own strength or ideas. Show me what You've already got brewing, and let me help out."

Later on I wrote

"The thing that brings me the most joy, that lights up my face like beautiful, glowing candlelight, is just being around our Youth Group and loving on them. Can there be more joy in serving You? I have to wonder. If there is, I selfishly desire it, but only if it's what You want for me. What DO You want for me Father? What would You have me be doing with my life? Surely, this can't be it - this pointless job, this selfish following after my own desires, this status quo. Was I meant for more? If so, can You please show me what, and then like a Father holding their child's hand as they walk them out into the sweeping tide, can you gently lead me into it? Please don't throw me in the water, but please let me get my feet wet."

I wrote that three days before losing my job. Do you think He answers prayers??

I don't know where or into what God is leading me. I don't know if He's gonna give me the opportunity to pursue youth ministry, in a greater capacity, for the rest of my life, or for just this summer. I don't know where I'm gonna work, and I don't know where I'm gonna live. I don't know when I'm gonna move, and I don't know where I'm gonna end up. I don't know how I feel from one day to the next, or how much more uncertainty I can take. I have no answers friends (really, I don't, so if you want to love on me, please stop asking and just be patient, as I'm having to learn to be). I only know that like a blind man, dying of thirst, staggering pointlessly through the desert, I need Him that bad! I cannot even point myself in the right directions. I can only desire, communicate and then wait.

As soon as He lets me know, I'll pass it along. Promise.

Pscyzho

I'm not pschyzophrenic, I swear. I'm just a little overwhelmed. And fighting some sweet insomnia. And by sweet I mean, not really that sweet. I'm reading Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter by Seth Graham Smith (sp?). Maybe I shouldn't read it before bed, lest I continue to wake up in a panic attack about work and the Civil War. In any case, today, as I try to sort things out in my life, what I want to do, what I'm qualified to do, I'm just overwhelmed again. Thankful, but overwhelmed. Moving this week should only add to that misery, I'm sure. Well back to resume writing. Oh fun. Not.

All The Smiles I Know*

Wherever we're coming from today, there are millions of reasons to be excited, to be joyful, and to smile. Here are all the smiles I know today (aka things to be thankful for/reasons to be joyful):

It's Palm Sunday people - let's shout Hosanna! Over 2000 years ago, my great and mighty King entered His city triumphantly, and the people turned and worshipped. A week later they brutally killed Him. (Not to worry, three days later He socked it to 'em and rose from the dead, conquering the grave.) Today, I smile knowing that He still reigns, in my heart and from His throne. I smile knowing that one day He will enter that city again, and all knees will bow before Him. He is so mighty, my beautiful King.

I know the best kids. Seriously I do. They fight invisible lions, search for buried treasure, are bunnies, and puppies and crimefighters and superheroes and princesses and fairy unicorns. And each one of them is just amazingly wonderfully unique and fantastic in their own way. They sing to the Lord, and talk of His great love with wide, awestruck eyes. They go out of their way fearlessly, to be open, and welcoming and loving. They live without the social hindrances that us adults impose on ourselves, to be cool, to hide our enthusiasm, to reign in our love. They'll shout their hellos from across a crowded room, and run up an aisle because they're excited about church. I can't express in words how my heart brims up and spills over with love for them, and pride at seeing who they are, and joy when I'm in their presence. All I can do is just smile, really really big and authentically and goofily. I have them to thank for that.

And if the little kids I know are great (and they are) how much more so the young adults I know? I'm continually amazed at how their godly character continues to reveal itself amidst hilarious senses of humor, slightly humbling intelligence and culture defying politeness. I have nothing but a giant "Pshaw" to those people out there who will say that they aren't extraordinary, much less good kids, because they make fart jokes or tease too sarcastically. Do we really fail to see that they truly are great, just the way they are? Or are we so dead set on believing they're not, because we don't expect them to be, based on our own staunch biases against their generation? People, let's not be so caught up in expecting them to be mediocre and undeserving of our respect or praise, that we actually fail to see that they defy those stereotypes completely! They deserve so much more from us, both in admiration and in continuing to challenge and push them to grow. To all their critics, whether parents or just other adults, I say back off! Because personally, I am crazy proud of them, honored to work alongside them, and excited to watch and see how God will continue to shape them into the adult servants of Himself that He has them poised to be. Life at the cusp, with their limitless potential, is exciting! Let's help them learn to greet it with a smile.

Sometimes the little things make me smile too. Listening to a friend crack himself up at his own jokes, getting a new book (Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter. YEESSSS!!!), bright sunshiney days, the fast approach of sundress weather, Holy Week, knowing Easter's right around the corner, singing my favorite hymns, sitting around just chatting with friends, laughing when they put their foot in their mouth and try to backpedal only to dig deeper, driving with the windows down, Sunday naps.....speaking of which, it's about time.

When I was a kid, we were pretty poor, and after my parent's divorced, my mom and I had to share a bedroom in a little one bedroom place. I remember laying in bed, the moon shining in through our curtainless windows, reflecting off my mom's bright, gleaming white teeth, and getting really annoyed. Who sleeps with a smile? I'd lean over to wake her up and tell her "Close your mouth. I can't sleep because your smile is too bright and it's keeping me up!" I'm sure that today, as I rush home to crawl in bed and get my Sunday nap in, lulled by the sound of birds chirping outside, I'll be a chip off the old block, smiling as I fall asleep. Even in a world that's overwhelming, with decisions and choices and responsibilities and fears, life is good. God is good. His blessings in my life are just another smile I know.





*P.S. Props to my awesome friend Micah for the blog post title inspiration.

Drowing In A Sea Of Noise

I'm overwhelmed. Really, really overwhelmed right now. And that totally scares me. What scares me more than the feeling is my own reaction. My natural instinct in situations like these is to shut down. True story.

I'm the kind of person that when the picture gets too big to look at and gain full scope of, I curl up into a ball and become completely paralyzed. When there's too many choices, too much advice, too many things that need to be done, I don't know where to start and so I assume the fetal position and do nothing at all. I pray that I can just wait it out with as little damage as possible, like a turtle retreating into her shell.

Recently, I was praying over a course of action in a friendship that I really value. Do I say something to this friend about where I'm coming from, or just shut my mouth and hope for the best? From left and right, above and below, really from every direction, advice was being thrown at me as to what to do. Even if the number of people that were inputting their thoughs and recommendations for my situation was limited, the repetition and persistance of their advice was like an out of tune band, warming up, each instrument seperately, echoing in a vast auditorium. Just a cacophany of indiscernable noise drowning out my own thoughts as it overwhelmed my ears & brain. It finally got to the point that I just had to say "Stop. Be quiet. Let me think, and decide how to do this on my own." The fact that I said anything at all was truly indicative of how much the noise was overwhelming me, because that kind of confrontation is so contrary to my passive nature.

Eventually I was able to let the noise around me fade away, and hear from the Lord. His still, small voice was reminding me to do all things in humility, honoring my friend before myself, and to seek Him first because He's truly the lover of my soul. It wasn't till I got everyone else to shut up that I could hear what He was telling my heart all along. And as I heard from Him, I realized that His advice was nowhere near the advice anyone else was giving me. In His advice, I, for the first time in the situation, had peace which gave me courage to move forward.

The noise was gone. His voice whispered to my heart, and I could breathe once again - breath that gave me life, and the ability to do what I needed to do.

Right now, that's all I want! As I'm feeling that onslaught of noise once again, this time about my career, and job search, my heart is retreating to fear and confusion as it's natural reaction and armour. But neither fear or confusion are bound up in perfect love - the love that my God has poured into me. But sadly, overwhelmed beyond measure by decisions and advice, is how I'm feeling again, as I contemplate the next few months/weeks/days ahead of me as a newly jobless/homeless person.

Really, how the hell did I end up here?

I know things will work out ok, I really do. I'm not failing to trust in God to meet all my needs, and provide for me out of His goodness and mercy. What I am scared of is how broken, vulnerable and humbled He might have to make me in the process. As well as the fact that I am just overwhelmed with all the steps I need to take to get something going in my life - a job, a home, a plan, a ministry, etc.

I'm a pretty open, authentic person. So as I blog today, because I know have the newly acquired time, I'm just laying this out there. I'm totally overwhelmed and feel like I am just bobbing in a sea of choices and actions that need to be taken. I really could use a Life Jacket, God. Can you just throw me a line? Thanks, that would be great. Oh yeah, and if You could just attach Your plan at the end of it, that would be great too. Thanks, your slightly overwhelmed, moderately fearful, pretty much an open book daughter. T.

Things To Be Thankful For

So, I lost my job today. I'd be lying if I said I didn't see it coming, though the time that I was allowed to view it as a pending possibility was very brief. Less than a week. There's a lot I could say about it, but frankly, it's still pretty fresh in my mind so I think discretion and a mouth as tight lipped as a bad clam is the best bet. All I know is this, I have a lot to be thankful for, and I'd be denying the truth if I tried to act surprised.

Sometimes, when God moves, we can see the dust cloud looming on the horizon, moving towards us like the Tazmanian Devil in some Bugs Bunny cartoon, zigzagging all over the place. Kicking up dirt, it gets closer, and closer, and all the while it's still undiscernable till boom it's right on us and SURPRISE! But whatever. Hey, He did lead with a cloud and a pillar of fire, it's not inconceivable, right?

I think this situation was like that, just a lot more subtle. Things have been churning in my heart after a conversation with a friend over a month ago about my passion for youth ministry. He got me thinking and praying about whether or not I should pursue it more, even if I pshawed it at the time. Then this past weekend, I was allowed the amazing privilege of a weekend at the beach, to hear from and be in prayer with other youth ministry workers. During that time I was able to sit on some rocks, jeans rolled up and feet in the water, bible and journal in hand. As I stared out at the rhythym of crashing waves, I lifted up thanks to my Lord for all He's done in my life, including allowing me a great, well paying job that gives me the freedom to spend my free time in youth ministry. Was I jumping the gun? Or was He seeing me as too comfortable? Or is it just a coincidence? Or the natural consequence of a crappy economy and faulty empires? One of the things I'm questioning today is deeper than "will I have to work at McDonalds?" - it's my previous blind adherence to strict Calvinism (because well, I'm a Baptist, I thought it's what we do). But more on that later.

So, after an amazing weekend spent on the beach, surrounded by passionate, fun, dedicated lovers of God, I came home questioning (in a big way) where my life is going, but more importantly, where I wanted it to go. What am I doing with my life? That was the question I asked on my Facebook status yesterday. Someone commented, more to the point, "What is God doing with your life?" and then reminded me that He's doing all the work. "Make sure you're bendable. it helps with the pain. trust me ♥", she wrote. Ahh, B, my little prophetess friend, your words are so timely right now!

So, now recently thrust into the swarming masses of the recently unemployed, I can really sit back and say "God, You can do anything with my life right now." I'm soon to be out of a place to live, now out of a job, but completely wide open to whatever He wants to do. It's freaking humbling people! Humiliating versing humbling is gonna have to be another post for another time, but trust me, it feels a whole lotta both right now. Yet, I really do have a lot to be thankful for. I can actually go to the gym without waking up at 5:20 to do it. For a while at least. I can enjoy the springtime from something other than a windowless cubicle under flourescent lighting. I can go to playgroup and spend time with all my favorite kids. I can see God grow my faith, my trust and my dependance upon Him as I look for a job. I can come back to the rememberance that my life isn't 40 hours a week at a corporation, it's how open I can be to letting God use me in the lives of others around me, to show off His glory, goodness and love. It's being open to His great big, or great little, plan for my life, and revelling in the unexpectedness of it.

This afternoon, as I head to lunch with Josh (something else to be thankful for!) I feel like I'm standing on a cracked, parched desert floor. The Lord has just swept by me, in a cloud of dust, but I think I see Him turning around and coming back this way. He's never too far away. I hope that when He passes by again, I can just grab ahold and hang on tight. I have a feeling it's gonna be a wild ride.