It seems like the last few blog entry’s I’ve written here all start off the same – I haven’t written in so long, etc., apologies, blah blah blah.
It’s true, writing here is something I have lost both the time and, in a way, the passion for. There are many reasons I walked away from blogging for so long, but none that are upbuilding or important enough to share. And though writing in general is still something I love doing, there are so many other new things I love spending time on that this blog has fallen by the way side. And for a few years I have been so okay with that.
But lately, our lives have taken a different course than we ever foresaw, and I find myself wanting to journal the journey once again. That’s what blogging was all about for me anyways - a cathartic way to process what was going on in my life/mind at the time. I really miss the process of putting thoughts to paper, researching scripture that pertained to the given issue, and organizing all my findings into a way that made sense for me, and hopefully others.
So as we (and by “we” I mean my husband Craig, our dog Cooper - hey, he’s family too - and myself) embark on new adventures in faith, seek new opportunities for growth, both spiritually and as a family, and encounter new and unpredictable challenges, I know that blogging will probably be something I’ll take up again, if only to process my thoughts and keep some sanity. That, and also because we are moving into some decisions that will require a lot of love and support. And though lack of love and support was one of the reasons I stopped blogging in the first place, I am well aware that we cannot receive love and support from people without first asking for it, and even explaining why we need it.
So, that all being said, if you are reading this and you know me, heck, even if you don’t know me, please keep our little family of three in prayer as we move into the next chapter in life – one that includes adopting a child or sibling group. We have started the process of growing our family through adoption, with the hope that we can provide love, stability, support and a familial unit to a child/children who need it. Our deepest desire is that God will use this decision as a way to further the gospel message to any and all we meet, and that includes showing a real and tangible love to a child/children who may never know it otherwise. What love has been poured out on us, we wish to pour out on a young life/lives too. How we’ve been adopted into the family of God, we want to adopt into our family with the same kind of love and acceptance as well.
We are so excited, but personally I am so scared! I’m so scared of all the things that open up my heart for rejection and hurt. I’m scared of how long it will take, of not finding the right child or children, of being told we don’t qualify, or worse qualifying and finding out it’s beyond our financial means to follow through on. I’m scared that if it does work, I’ll be a mom!! Scared that I’ll be an awful mom, or follow in unhealthy patterns of motherhood I’ve known my whole life. Scared that I will never know a good night’s sleep again.
There is so much joy to be had through this process and itseventual outcome. And I know that perfect love casts out all fear – and that is the kind of love we’ve received and that we wish to share. But boy oh boy, this is the biggest step I’ve ever taken in my whole life, including marriage and salvation, and I am shaking in my boots with anticipation, fear, excitement, feelings of inadequacy, and impatience daily. Oh Lord how I need Thee, every hour I need Thee!
Yet, I am well aware of the need to press on, and not give up so early in this journey. My fear is weighted against the burden in my heart to save all the children, love all the children. So often I go through the list of waiting children on the MN Adopt homepage, and I look at all those smiling young faces, and I am moved to tears. I pray for them, and the words inside my praying heart, words which tears cause to not escape my mouth, cannot even break the surface of how moved I am by each one of their profiles. I want to love them all, adopt them all, help them all. I often ask myself how we’ll ever be able to adopt just once. Questions arise in my mind about our ability to grow our family, not into the little pod of three or four plus dog that we envision, but into a great big bustling house of 8 or 9. I know that seems unreasonable, and I have to remember I’m not alone in this – I’ve got Craig to think about too and fortunately he’s a lot more practical minded than I am. But I can’t help myself. Every time I think of the children out there that I want to love, I find myself running the numbers to see if I can gauge how many we can afford to bring home without losing the ability to care for them all. I don’t know how God will grow our family, but I want to trust Him that He will. And yet for as much hope and longing as I have, I am so scared that in the end we won’t even get one child much less the many that I envision.
But the Lord’s plans for us are good. I know that even if we are never approved or never get chosen, He has a beautiful, glory giving plan for our lives, which exceeds our understanding. I trust in Him (oh for faith to trust in Him more!) I must tell myself every day that I cannot be afraid of an unknown future because I serve a (very well know) God. And that knowledge, of His faithfulness and goodness in answering so many other prayers will buoy me above the waterline of doubt and fear. This is going to be an incredible journey!!
I hope in the weeks, months and even years to come, to share more through this medium on how the process is going, and how we got there to begin with. There’s lots to share, too much for today! I know others have gone through the exact same thing – were their fears and hopes and dreams and doubts any different than my own? I long to know we’re not alone in this. And yet, still reeling in the aftermath of a loss of community and friendships that came out of some past choices, I am at a loss for who to reach out to in my new life/community/faith family. As with everything else in this new chapter, I know God will provide. He has already shown us that the people in our lives now love us, care about this choice along with us, and share our excitement at all the Lord will do. What a fun prospect to meet new people and touch new lives in ways unimagined.
I am so excited to see where this new chapter will take us. The journey is just beginning and I don’t know where it will go. But this is my story, and I’m sticking to it.