Friday, April 16, 2010

Hindsight is 20/20

So, I've been freaking out a bit lately. Ask anyone who knows me. I've been at the verge of tears with a single glance, avoiding answering questions, though they get thrown at me by everyone I know, because the only answer I have is "I don't know". I've been scared, uncertain, paralyzed by all the things I don't know and can't control, subject to dealing with emotions I thought had long been forgotten, and I'm a little on edge these days. It's been crazy. For the first time in a long time, really been brought to my knees in vulnerability and humility. Yeah, God's breaking me. Isn't that great?

Actually it is. Because I realized, that I'm not seeing the bigger picture, and it's exactly what He wants to do, not just what He needs to do. This is such a wonderful thing! And after going back last night and reading my journal for the last two months, I see that it's not just what He wants to do, but what I've wanted Him to do to all along.

Imagine my surprise when last night I went back and was reading excerpts from things I wrote in February, and March, where I ask Him

"Please have your way with me. Do whatever it is You know You need to do to bring me closer to You. I just want to follow You, with all my heart and every fiber of my being. Make it happen."
And then another passage, when I was on the beach in California, before so much changed in my life, when I wrote
"My only desire is to be right where You are. I don't want to do Your work, I want to join YOU in the work You're already doing, and get to participate in what You've already started. Don't let me start anything new, in and of my own strength or ideas. Show me what You've already got brewing, and let me help out."
Later on I wrote
"The thing that brings me the most joy, that lights up my face like beautiful, glowing candlelight, is just being around our Youth Group and loving on them. Can there be more joy in serving You? I have to wonder. If there is, I selfishly desire it, but only if it's what You want for me. What DO You want for me Father? What would You have me be doing with my life? Surely, this can't be it - this pointless job, this selfish following after my own desires, this status quo. Was I meant for more? If so, can You please show me what, and then like a Father holding their child's hand as they walk them out into the sweeping tide, can you gently lead me into it? Please don't throw me in the water, but please let me get my feet wet."
I wrote that three days before losing my job. Do you think He answers prayers??

I don't know where or into what God is leading me. I don't know if He's gonna give me the opportunity to pursue youth ministry, in a greater capacity, for the rest of my life, or for just this summer. I don't know where I'm gonna work, and I don't know where I'm gonna live. I don't know when I'm gonna move, and I don't know where I'm gonna end up. I don't know how I feel from one day to the next, or how much more uncertainty I can take. I have no answers friends (really, I don't, so if you want to love on me, please stop asking and just be patient, as I'm having to learn to be). I only know that like a blind man, dying of thirst, staggering pointlessly through the desert, I need Him that bad! I cannot even point myself in the right directions. I can only desire, communicate and then wait.

As soon as He lets me know, I'll pass it along. Promise.

1 comment:

China Doll said...

I've been meaning to call you ever since finding out from Roger that he's moving! I'm actually not going to call now though since I know I'll end up asking you a laundry list of questions that will make you feel stressed and pressured. Instead, I'm praying for you. I'm thanking God for giving you insight into his master plan and allowing you to look back on your own words to Him. I'm asking God to give you peace during this transition time and assurance that you are safe and stable in Him no matter what your surroundings and circumstances may imply. I'm praying for some answers for you because I understand how maddening all the questions can become. Please know that I'm here for you and am willing to carve out time to listen or just sit with you, or blab on and on about my life so you can forget about your own - whatever you need right now - I am here with a willingness to help you and with a prayerful heart. I LOVE YOU, TRIN!