Thursday, May 13, 2010

A letter to the hateful little minx at the SLP Anthro:

Dear snotty little salesgirl with the bad Joan Jett hairdo:

I'm on to you missy. Oh, I'm on to you, and after yesterday, well it's war. Here's the thing, I'm not a hateful or vengeful person. But I've been in the retail and customer service industry long enough to know the reek of insincerity, and trust me honey, it's oozing from your pores. And lying to me? Really? What's your deal? Well whatever it is, game on sister. Game. On.

Here's what I don't understand: When I first came into your store a few months ago with a return from Arbor Lakes, I could tell you weren't happy about it. That's fine. "Oh, they must work on commission", I thought, because what else would cause you to be so rude to me on that occasion? But even still, it was just so out of character for your company to treat a customer like that.

Your attitude was palpable, the way you rolled those little double entendres off your tongue - "Are you absolutely SURE you don't want to look around for anything else today?" and "You really want to bring back this gorgeous bag? Really?". Yes, really sweetie. Do you question all your customers like that? Oh, and did you think I was too dumb to catch the fact that you were pissed I wasn't buying anything that day? You may think you're subtle, sweetheart, but trust me, there's nothing that sneaks by this keen intellect, especially not your clobbering, obvious insults. You're gonna have to try a lot harder than that.

Even so, I couldn't understand how a store that has such impeccable customer service and personalized attention could tolerate the kind of 'tude you were slinging around. I wondered if you were a manager, and thought that maybe your little air of superiority was because you got off on being in management at an Anthro store. Oooooh, good job college grad!! The way you stuck your bourgeoisie little nose in the air as you processed my return was almost laughable, if it wasn't so pathetic. Oh, and speaking of laughable, I got a call from Robert Pattinson last night... he says that Kristin Stewart wants her hair back. Poseur!

In any case, I quickly forgot about it and moved on, deciding to only shop at the Edina or Arbor Lakes store. There's no reason to keep subjecting myself to your trite little negativities when there are perfectly wonderful people like Molly and Jeanette and the chick with the really cool 1950's eyeliner & Barbie doll obsession at the other stores. But yesterday, yesterday brought me back into your realm, and just like oil meeting water, as soon as I saw you, and you saw me, and we locked eyes, I knew it was going to be epic.

Thankfully you knew better than to even try and fake niceties to me, and let that sweet African American girl who's always stuck in the dressing rooms help me. But when it came time to check out, and I wanted to find a necklace to match the Tracy Reese dress I've been eyeing for over a week, and you hemmed and hawed before handing the dress to me from behind the counter, I knew nothing had changed. What's your deal anyway? Why can't I take the dress that I'm buying, from behind the counter, and try and find a necklace for it? Do you make sure that ALL your customers aren't allowed to carry merchandise around the store, or is it just me? What do you think I'm gonna make a run for it when no one is looking and dash out the store, dress in hand, sensor attached, sirens blaring behind me??? Get a life moron, I just want a stinking necklace.

I was so ready to be done with you, but then I remembered I wanted to see if you had that adorable blue tunic in any other sizes or colors. So politely I asked if you would mind checking on that for me, and without even lifting a finger to check your computer, you just stared me down and said "No". Come on! I didn't realize you had every single piece of clothing in your store memorized with all their particular size and color details. How smart you must be! I can't believe you even made me ask you to please double check on that for me - you ought to be ashamed of yourself. If a customer is having to ask you to please double check on something, and can smell out your lies like the bad, rotting egg that you are, there is DEFINITELY something wrong. After consulting your computer, you stared back at me with your cold, dead, fish eyes and pronounced that no, that tunic comes only up to a size 10. Ok, I took you at your word, and we moved on.

Oh, by the way - I went online yesterday afternoon, as soon as I got home, and guess what? That tunic - It comes in another color and two more sizes. Did you even check online for me, or did you simply move the mouse around and type in a few random keys to make me think you were looking? Why would you not want to sell me something I want? And why the heck did you lie to me? I'm going back in there today, btw, and I'm going to ask you to order that tunic for me. In the size I want. In the color I want. Shipping free, on your store. Because that's how I roll, and you better get used to it.

But I digress. The rest of our time together yesterday, once you started ringing me up, was no better. As a matter of fact, your meager attempts at service were such a joke. I'm buying a dress and a necklace, for goodness sake - that's a decent sale, yet you still managed to get your snide little quips in there. "So, this is all you're buying?" Yep, that's it honey. "You tried on a lot of tops, didn't you want to buy any of those?" Well if I did, they'd be up here at the counter, in your grimy little clutches, and you'd be ringing them up, now wouldn't you?

Here's the deal - I don't know what I ever did to piss you off, or to get on your bad side. But I'm pretty sure your intense dislike of me has been a one-sided issue, up til now. But you can't treat customers this way. Heck, you can't treat people this way. You're rude. And snotty. And frankly sweetie, you don't have much to be snotty about. You're pretty average, working retail, with a bad 80's rock-chick haircut, which thankfully it looks like you're trying to grow out.

Get over yourself, and start treating people nicely. If you're unhappy in your life, in your job, whatever, get over it and make a change. But don't think that because you read a book on how to be a snob it makes you any good at it. I wrote that book honey. And you're getting a big, fat F! I almost feel sorry for you, because frankly, you're losing at a game you shouldn't even trying to be playing. And in the meantime, you're giving your store a bad reputation.

So, here's the deal - other than going back in, and ordering that tunic today, I'm gonna stay out of your way, and please, stay out of mine. You can have the SLP store, and leave me Arbor Lakes and Edina. Don't transfer, and I won't visit. But take my words to heart - I see right through you, and you're a sad little vixen with a bad haircut and a grimy greasy heart. You're the Grinch of Anthro. And I don't like you.

With all the niceties I could muster, and a whole lotta honesty,
Yours truly,


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