I Want Today To Be Over

I just want today to be over. It's officially the going away party of my best friend, or as she referred to me last week, in a fit of juvenille hilarity, my BFF.

I just want today to be over. I know all I'm going to do today is cry. It's already begun. I'm a bundle of emotions, and so sad, and angry all at the same time.

I just want today to be over, because tonight I am acting as the official hostess, though really she's having it at her house, for said party. But I don't want to send her away with a party. I don't want to see her go away at all. Why do we need a party, something joyful, to say goodbye?

I have this thing, that everyone I love moves away. It's true, though it may sound silly. I feel like a character in some weird, sad little romantic "comedy" where everyone that the main character loves dies, except instead of dying, everyone I love moves away. Since I've moved here to MN, all the people I've met, who have become a meaningful part of my life, have all moved away within a few years of meeting them. It's true, I can name them, Emily, Katie, Scott, the Herdles, Jessie, John, Kari, just to name a few. Look, that's more than one hand!!!

It may sound silly, or like it's just part of life, but for me, it's been a real bummer. I have a hard time letting people in, and then as soon as I do, as soon as I start to care and trust, they go away. I'm happy for them, one and all. I see them off with a smile, wishes for God's best in their lives, and maybe a little scrapbook or a cake. But then, inside, I'm sad to see someone else I love go, and leave me in their dust. I feel like I'm always having to build new, lasting relationships, but then I'm afraid to, because they're just going to dissapear anyways.

I moved out here to settle down. That's all I wanted, was a place where I could call home and make my life. Why don't my friends want to settle down too? I can't begrudge them that, or their desires to move on. I celebrate their vision, and their dreams and the things they do to make it happen. Just as I moved out here to make a dream come true, they move away to fulfill theirs.

I am happy for those who go off to pursue further education, or ministry & serving the Lord. There is nothing I would ever do or say to hold anyone back, even when my heart has cried out inside me "Why do you have to leave? Can't you just stay?" But because I have loved them all, I only want God's best for them. I want to see them find their dreams, have goals fulfilled and progress in spiritual growth and ministry, I want that because I love them.

But it hurts. Today it hurts a lot, as I sit here and think of everyone I've said goodbye to over the last four years. Tears are pouring down my cheeks, because I miss them all, a lot, and yet in most of their cases, time and distance have cut most ties and our friendships will never be the same. In moving away, I have been hurt once by leaving, and again through the change that their move brings to our friendship.

I am selfish - I know this. I should be happier for my friends, and yet I sit here crying thinking only of my own hurt and abandonment. I'm selfish, because instead of helping host Kari's party tonight, I just want to bunker down on her old sofa, where so many memories were shared, that old sofa that I crashed on many a night. I just want to sit there, across from her one last time and talk and laugh and cry, just as if nothing has changed. Instead I have to go get paper plates, napkins and cups. I have to make a cake, and wrap her present. I have to do my hair and look cute and be a good hostess, for my friend who, herself, is frazzled.

I just want today to be over! I just want it to be over!