Monday, May 18, 2009

A Moment Of Extreme Vulnerability

Ok, so I know this post is going to be all awful and vulnerable sounding, and maybe even a lot Emo. But I am me, and this is where I process, and if as a reader you can't handle it, then don't read my blog ok? Ok, sorry, that's just me being defensive, because, something happened tonight, and I'm hurting & I just want to cry. I always do that - my first instinct is "fight". Second is "hide". Lastly comes "run", and it's usually to some good Bruce Springsteen if I can find it. By the time this post is done I'm sure I'll be in hide mode, wishing I hadn't written it. Hopefully 3/4 of a tank of gas and a pack of cloves will get me running far enough to get my head straight before I have to go home.

So, my heart is seriously breaking right now, and maybe in a weird way all over again. I'm sitting here at the Prairie-Brary, and I'm fighting back tears. It could be the flu, it could be I'm just a girl and this is what we do, but I'm really, really hurt. But here's why:

That oaf, that turd, that jackass of a jerk-man, the UCE is seeing someone. I think it's his ex-girlfriend, the idiot that came before me (me, you know the other idiot). And it's Facebook official (y'all know how serious that is!) And it's not like I'm so crazy about him that I pine for him every day. And it's not like I think he's the one for me, or who God wants me to be with, or even that he's that great to begin with. But something in me just broke today when I opened up my facebook, and there it was. He's in a relationship. God almighty, how my heart just dropped into my stomach. WHY??

Maybe it's just my gut reaction to the fact that he doesn't really care for me. No matter how he smooth talked me, or charmed me, or how affectionate he was the last time we saw each other, I guess it's just the knowledge that it was all a game and a joke to him. He was the Elvis-haired King of Mixed Signals. One day he'd be charming and affectionate, and be doing everything to lead me on, and then he'd dissapear back up to the frozen northen tundra, and it'd be as nothing ever happened. He knew how bad it hurt me, because I was quite honest in telling him. But it never stopped him from just doing it over and over and over again. I told him so many times that if he really cared he'd leave me alone, like for good, and ask him not to toy with my feelings, and he'd say he was so sorry, and blahblahblah, but then the next time he was in the cities, it would happen all over again. And to think that just three months ago I fell for this same old 'schpeel all over again. How could I have been that stupid?

So maybe my moment of vulnerability isn't me telling the world how he broke my heart one final time today, as much as admitting what a fool in love I've been. A stupid, ignorant, blinded fool of a girl! I know better than that. I trash-talk girls like that. I have tried to never be that girl. And he made me break not all, but a lot of my rules.

Anyways, that's it. Today, I went on facebook, and I happened to see that he had a status update, and there it was, staring me right in the face. He's in a relationship. By the way, the first thing I did was to click on her name, to pull up her picture. I mean come on, I may try to be smart, I may try to be godly, but I am just a woman after all. And you know what? She's not even that cute! I mean, I know I'm not Cleopatra (or am I? haha) but she's got fake dyed hair, and a cat! Ew!

In the end I take this small consolation, and trust me, right now, it is microscopic - This was the last redhot bamboo splinter of pain that he gets to drive under the fingernails of my heart. I am done. Done, done, done. D-O-N-E, done. Wait, ok, not 100% done, I just have one more thing I need to get out, and since I'm at the Prairie-Brary, and this is the best I can do ........


Whew. Too bad that didn't feel that good. Right now, nothing is going to feel good. I just need to get in my car and drive and cry. That, that might feel good. Sorry for the emo vulnerability y'all... but that's all I have for now.

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