A Change Of Perspective

Last night, after a really cathartic drive home, in which every window was down, I was scanning Hwy 100 for cops (already got one speeding ticket there), and where 93X was as loud as I dared to crank the limits on my poor little speakers (I do like me some Kings of Leon), I came home and collapsed on my favorite chair and cried my eyes out. I called up my friend M, who's more of a sister than a friend, and just cried, and bawled like a baby while she was at Target. In the midst of the sniveling, snotty tears, I got a tap on my shoulder and when I looked up, there peering around from behind the corner is my roommate's extended arm, beer at the end of it. I took it, thanked him & went back to crying.

I spent a good part of the night last night crying. Today, I still can't say why. There was just this anger that built up in me volcanically, at the realization that I can't, in my own power, make anything happen that God doesn't want to happen. And that, I think, hit me like a stone pillar to the gut.

I don't really care about the UCE that much.... romantically that is. I mean, I know deep down in my heart that I would never in a million years want to marry him. Why would I want to be that miserable? If I was miserable and felt alone and ignored when we were just hanging out together, why would I want to tie myself into that situation? And though he never gave me the honor of defining what I was to him, other than telling me how wonderful, and great, and beautiful and talented he thought I was (empty words really), in my heart I guess I knew he never really wanted to be with me, and I didn't want to be with him either. So, why then, did finding out he's in a relationship hurt that much? I know, know, know full well that he doesn't care about me!! So why have I even bothered to care about him?

Or was it really just pride? Anger? A lot of things other than a broken heart, that got to me last night? I really think that's what it was. My pride was wounded that someone that I thought should be an easy catch had moved on. I was so very angry because the Lord was once again showing me that His plan is not my plan, or desires, and really showing me the leaky faultiness of my plans and schemes. Here was my fallback plan (he was truly kind of a back of the burner Plan B), going all up in smoke, and the Lord was saying "You should never have had this plan to begin with. Embrace my plan for your life, and know that I am good". It was a lesson I've not been wanting to learn for a while.

But last night, as I sat on the front porch stoop at a friend's house, enjoying community, just being with other women who I love, and who are awesome and special, I realized that I have all I need right here. As M and I walked home and talked and processed she reminded me to be thankful for the way this door has closed, and with such finality. I've been asking the UCE to close this door for sometime, and his lack of respecting my wishes had finally wore me down into thinking he always had to be there in my life, in the background, "just as friends". Well no. This was God saying "you don't need this friend... you're moving on kiddo!" The Lord had done something extraordinarily good, something I couldn't do in my own power, and the hurt I had truly felt was His extraction of something bad out of my life.

This morning I woke up, yeah, still with the flu, but grateful, joyful and thankful that I no longer have to carry around with me the "what could've beens?" of his friendship. I'm done. Finito. Finale. Arriverderci amigo, you're in my life no more! I'm so happy and relieved. And though God's plan is still one I'm asking Him to conform my will to, one less obstacle in the way is a great place to start. And for those of you who might say I'm taking a harsh view towards someone, a person that God still loves and has a plan for, yeah, you might be right. But I trust in God to work in His life, apart from me. I've prayed for the UCE countless nights..... let God make him grow.

Anyways, without the joy of friendship and community and being able to be authentic with the people in my life, whether it's a roommate just wanting to watch a movie or three great women sitting on a porch last night, I don't think I would've seen this for myself for a long time. There's something to be said about driving fast, music loud, but the true blessing in all of last night's emo girl drama came from God using the people around me to cheer me up, offer me a beer and just chat for a while amongst some cloves. It really gave me a renewed perspective. And that brings me joy.