Sunday, September 02, 2007

Thoughts From The Road

So, this isn't exactly Kerouac style musings "Thoughts From The Road", though I certainly am inspired.

We landed in Seattle Friday night, at around 2, and yesterday we were all up again at 6, to go run Jon to the airport and hit Pikes Place Market.

When I say "we" I guess I should clarify what the last week of my life has looked like. I left last Monday on a road trip with Kirsten, Kaya, Jon and myself. In the week we've been on the road we've hit the Badlands, Mt. Rushmore, Yellowstone, West Yellowstone, Oregon, the Oregon Coast and Washington, including Seattle. We still have a lot more to do, starting today with some family quality time, an Everett Minor League Baseball game (think the St. Paul Saints, Pacific Northwest style), a lunch at Karel & Myra's church and then Labor Day tomorrow complete with hiking at some mountain or something (gee, I haven't done any of that this trip!), and who knows what else.

It hasn't all been thrills though - I've been a bear. We haven't seen any wild ones, grizzly, black or otherwise, but we haven't had to, I've been sufficiently crabby enough to make up for it. I have to admit, it stems a lot from feeling miserably left out and unloved. That's not a good feeling, and it's one that I would refuse to communicate even if I did know how to. By the time we left the Oregon Coast and made it to Seattle, I was in tears and spent the first night at Kirsten's parents house crying myself to sleep. How do you tell one of your best friend's that he is hurting your feelings, when he is too busy telling you that you're being a brat?

There is so much to this story that I could delve into. But how? Why? And with what consequences? All I know is that this trip could've been so much more fun if maybe I was treated with as much consideration and love as the other people in the car, instead of constantly being teased and treated like a "little sister" instead of another adult. Urgh, I'm so mad at him I could shoot rusty nails out of my mouth straight at his head!

On top of that, this trip has been a real eye-opener regarding my future, my hopes, etc. In the midst of mountain driving in Yellowstone, and only partial cell phone reception, the unchivalrous ex has tried to get back into contact. Well, actually he did this last week before we left with a "I'm not asking you to take me back, but would you please take me back" email. To which I replied with a big, fat, long, lengthy diatribe about what I deserve in a relationship. Then I left. Didn't wait for a reply, didn't call him, or text him or anything. Just left hoping that I wouldn't have to deal with guy decisions again for a while. Till Yellowstone that was. It was then that I got the voicemail that threw me into a state of confusion more tangled and twisted than the mountain roads we were driving.

This trip has made me think of what I want - and who I want to share that with. It has never been more clear, though more unattainable. There is just one person I love and respect so much as to want to share all this with them - this beautiful country and the thought of seeing more of it. Yet, he is so far away, in so many more ways than just distance. Through this whole trip, he is the one person I wish I could turn to, in the driver's seat and say "hey, did you just see that animal?" or "hey, let's pull over and go put our feet in that stream". So why, at the very same time, does all this other stuff have to come up? Why, when it just clouds the picture?

This bundle of confused emotions I'm experiencing now is so muddy - at the base of this mountain are the prospects of a future I envision ideally with desires for sharing a life of ministry with someone I love. Clouding that are the words of an ex who, though he cares for me like I want to be adored, I suspect is not what God wants for me. Then there are the jagged, raw emotions of hurt I'm feeling from another guy friend who has the propensity for wounding me so deeply when I just want him to love me like he does our other friends, and treat me with the same compassion and concern as he does them. All have thrown me into a state of well, confusion, that is irritating and frustrating and maddening and have made me act in ways that are so out of character and curl up into a ball of hurt and frustration and just stop trying to even communicate my way out of it.

Throw on top of this the fact that I haven't been in the same bed for more than three nights straight for the last two weeks. I moved from my old apartment to my new one, then from there I spent a few nights at Jon's while the Herdles were in town, from there, we hit the road and have slept everywhere from the car to hotels, and now I'm at Kirsten's parents. I woke up this morning and didn't know where I was, and I just wanted to cry.

But I'm happy too. Happy that I've had the chance to see so much. OVERJOYED at getting to spend some time with Kaya, Seth, CJ & Howie. Last night we watched Nacho Libre, and wrestled on the floor for over an hour. Only when Howie pulled out the real weapons, his dagger and Seth's bayonnet, did I cringe in some sort of real fear and go back to watching the movie. I miss wrestling, a truly male form of love expression, with my baby brothers. I miss playing Bloody Knuckles with them (and have the raw hands to prove it this morning). I miss just laughing so hard I almost pee when I see them acting goofy.

This joy, at being in the presence of people I love so much, and who I just want to love on me is also adding to a great confusion. I just want that love again, back in my life. I miss them so much more than my words could ever convey, and the first night I was here with all of them again filled me with such powerful feelings of love and hurt, simultaneously, that I broke into sobs. Sobs, because I love them so much my heart overflows and yet I am only with them for a few days more. Sobs because I want that kind of love, familial love, in my life all the time. Sobs because I knew it was driving me back into the arms of my real Father, who will never move away and leave me stranded.

Anyways, I write all this, an expose of my emotional state of being right now, with feelings of elation and excitement at seeing new sights and seeing old friends bubbling on the surface. It's time to get up and go to church, an hour away. A church alive is worth the drive. We got fresh, organic blueberries from Pikes Place Market yesterday, and somewhere today I have to find time to form them into a pie. Gluten free of course. Well, I was just told the shower's free. This is enough of my ranting. I will share pics later. Much love and confusion, from the road. Keep on Truckin'

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