I Wish I Knew What I Was Doing

Ok, so a few days ago, I wrote THE post from hell, and was later, lovingly, reprimanded by my BF for the frankness and bluntness of my words. What can I say? I'm a "wear my heart on my sleeve" kind of gal. Sometimes I have no inner filter. I try, I fail, I delete.

Today, it will be much more subtle. But the message is the same - I am seriously confused by the way three friendships in my life can't seem to get things right. They are all with guys I have either loved, or care for as friends. But none of them are "just right". You'd think after three times, somethings gotta give, right? But apparently, the third time is NOT a charm.

So, as I am delve back into Piper/Grudem's masterpiece Recovering Biblical Manhood & Womanhood (inspired by the sermon series Trike's going through, to the thanks of many Hopesters), I am even more firmly committed to waiting it out, as a content, joyful, productive God-glorifying single woman, till (hopefully) the right guy comes along to lead, protect and provide for me spiritually, emotionally & physically. If you think I'm daydreaming about a Sugar Daddy or a Dictator to direct my every thought, go read the book. It is EYE OPENING!!

In any case, one of the mandates that Piper (who I just adore, really, what a great writer, I can only aspire!) sets out for both men and women is to live with ministry in mind, and the eternal perspective of being the Bride of Christ in heart. Not that I have forgotten to do this, but I realize I let so many of the distractions of this life get in the way of that, and like a gauzy curtain, they do not obscure my view of the Lord I love, as much as distract from it and fog everything up.

So, my heart, today is renewed in the desire to live for the Lord's glory, demonstrating his love to so many who hang in the balance between heaven and hell, inspiring the young women in my life (nieces, cousins, so many others) to emulate the peace, joy and calm that come from a life of trust, hope and passion for our one God.

But as a person who is not a natural-born leader, just how do I go about this? I thought, so many months ago, that LDI was going to be the catalyst for showing me where I fit in, in ministry. If I learned any lessons from my time in that program it was about God's all-incompassing grace, as He drew me to Himself, radically changing my life and attitudes, instead. I am still as directionless in ministry as I was a year ago, when I asked for help and guidance about how to take the burden in my heart and translate that into being a tool for God to transform broken lives.

I want to love on broken women. Hurt women. Abused women. I want to tell them that I've been there before, and let them know that no matter how bad they've had it, how hard it's been, how much someone has kicked them to the curb and spit on them, our God, our good and gracious Father, has a plan for their lives that will redeem them in every aspect and facet. I want to be the tool that Christ uses, as He kneels down next to the adulterous woman and picks her up, imploring her to sin no more. I want to tell her that I once was in her bare, muddy feet, and now I am the Bride of Christ. I want to help young women, blinded by the glare of materialism, deafened to the whispers of the Holy Spirit, find their path, with joy, contentment and fulfillment, on the narrow and rocky road of follwing Jesus. I want to say, as the character Hopeful did in Pilgrims Progress, when Christian was forging the turbulent river before reaching the Celestial City, "Be of good cheer, my sister. I feel the bottom, and it is good."

But how? I have no idea!! I am frustrated, yet hopeful. Impatient, yet trusting that in God's good time He will open a door. Frightened that I too will become distracted yet again, but confident in God's amazing grace, that it will draw me back to Him time and time again. I am calm and fearless before Him, knowing that I am ever being transformed, yet apprehensive, for I am such a sinner and a fool.

What do three relationships with guys who are not in love with me mean in the eternal scheme of things? Not much really. Except in the opportunity they provide for me to encourage and edify my brothers in appropriate and God-honoring manners, according the dynamic that safeguards all involved. Yet, what opportunities for so many more relationships, with the lost, the hurt, the broken, lay before me that I cannot even imagine? I do not know, but as I lay things out on a scale of worth, one far outweighs the other, and I'm not sad to say, but for now, you guys lose out!

It is my prayer that God will keep this perspective ever fresh in my heart, and this vision for ministry, even as I go at it alone, vibrant and new with excitement and determination. Most of all, I pray that my true spiritual Leader would sweep away the leaves and show me the path that He has already paved, as He has gone ahead and prepared these good works for me. It is one Man and one alone that I want to keep my eyes on, and with Him there is no confusion, only love.