Monday, December 02, 2013

The Portrait of Silence.

I know I start out every post like this, but.... I don't post a lot these days.  I've kind of lost my mo-jo, and my verve when it comes to writing, and I hope it's just a phase.  It doesn't help that I'm genuinely happy, and don't have a lot to say.  Unless you like reading about recipes I've tried, movies I've watched, and books I've read, there's not else much to share that isn't boring newlywed drabble.  Even those kind of posts feel like work though, like a person being forced to talk about the weather, when they'd rather talk about anything else.

I used to find it so easy to write here.  It was cathartic for me - my own kind of journaling, except the whole world got to see it.  These days though the vulnerability and willingness to speak my heart that I may have felt in years past has been changed it seems, though not necessarily "for the good".  Whereas before I somehow always felt safe to write what was on my mind, it was because I knew I had a safety net of many friends there to catch, love and support me.  I choose not to share my heart now in the absence of some of that security.  There are a few good and loyal friends that I know will always have my back.  I think of them as a pyramid of love, a base of names and faces that have stood by me through thick and thin.  I smile when I picture their laughing faces, whether in my head in memories, or staring back at me from wedding photos on my desk.  I chuckle when I remember the hilarious good times we've had.  My heart warms when I remember the feeling of safety in their amazingly wonderful hugs, and couch conversations that last for hours.  Oh man, how I love you girls, you few sweet, dear friends.

But they stand alone, and overall I have seen other friendships slowly erode over the past few years.  One of the by-products of that erosion is a self-awareness that causes me to guard my tongue much more now than I ever did before.  I used to be a lot more transparent and open, like a tree blowing its branches in the wind.  Now I tend to be guarded, hidden and quiet, and you'll find it much harder to get anything out of me. I'm a bit of a new person, a new me and this one, much unlike the old me, keeps her mouth shut.  You could look at that like I'm wounded - I choose to see it as growth.

Now I must say this - please don't get me wrong! I don't cast blame for this disintegration of friendships.  I don't name names, I don't cast blame, and I am doing my damndest every day to not feel any personal shame about it either. I won't blame me, but I also work every day to not blame you.  Like the old REM song goes, everybody hurts, sometimes. I know I'm not alone in the world in this regard.  Living with grace means that every day I try to count my blessings instead of sheep, and that's where those beautiful faces come in.  It helps, and because of those disciplines, like I said, I'm genuinely happy.

But if I don't blog with much regularity, if I've lost my passion for it, if I don't have anything to say, it's because of this change in me.  Every day I'm learning to take a little of the old and blend it with the new, and today this is how I'm trying.  By writing again.  By not throwing the baby out with the bathwater, and telling myself, I can blog with vulnerability despite the fear of being judged.  I can be honest about my life, and do it because writing is something I enjoy, and transparency is something I value.  Let the haters hate - they're going to anyways.  I just need to be me, for the sake of being me.

And today, what that looks like, is just saying this.  Nothing more than this.  Just saying what I've shared above is enough to get my panties all in a bunch, and so I think it's time to leave it at that.  There is a lot going on in my life that is good, there is a lot that is challenging, and there are ways God is growing me.  I might share about them later.  But for now, this is my story, and I'm stickin' to it.

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