Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Happy Saint Andrew's Day! Now Marry Me, Gerard Butler.

I'm not Scottish, not even close. Nor am I Scotch, which is what I hear the Scottish hate being called. But I have always wanted to go to the Edinburgh Jazz Festival, and I adore red tartan (to the point that if I ever get married someday, I want a Christmas wedding with red tartan and holly sprigs everywhere). Plus I think Sean Connery was the best James Bond ever, though Daniel Craig is suuuuuuch a close second.

In any case, today is Saint Andrew's Day. And because I respect all ethnicities and nationalities (unlike some of my MN friends whom you'd think had never seen anyone that wasn't Scandanavian, by the proliferation of Mexican jokes I hear all the time - I mean really, are we really this lacking in diversity around here, that I'm considered ethnic???), I would like to honor the Scots, and their patron saint, Andrew, and share with you the five hottest Scotsman I can think of. Oh, and also because I'm positively obsessed with Prince William and his lovely bride-to-be, Kate Middleton, who shares my affinity for wearing navy blue, and since England borders Scotland, and is pretty darn similar ... well, you get the point.

So without further ado (said in my best Scottish accent), for your consideration, Five Hot Scots!:

1. Gerard Butler – Of 300 fame? The most sympathetic, make-outable Phantom of the Opera ever? That crappy Katherine Heigl flick which was so awful that I don’t even remember the name of it (really, she should just retire, soon, please)??? He’s from Glasgow and eventually settled in Paisley, and I’m pretty sure he’s gonna marry me someday and we’ll raise adorable little dark haired babies with Scottish accents and open Paisley’s first American run confectionary and bakery, while we grow old together in front of a fireplace, him and me. It’s gonna happen.

2. James McAvoy – He made Atonement. And he was in Trainspotting. (But really, who from this country wasn't?) Originally from Port Glasgow, he was also in The Last King Of Scotland, and did I mention Atonement? His turn as the ill-treated Robbie Turner made me cry, both for how subtly he played the nuances of forbidden love and smoldering anger over his lifes' injustices, and for how shockingly blue his eyes were. And he’s done tons of theater work and won awards for it apparently. Lovely.

3. Sir Sean Connery – He’s a Sir, did you know that? As in To Sir With Love?? As in, Yes Sir, if I was 85 years old, that’s one crush I’d have. As in, Sirtainly the best part of the SNL Jeopardy spoofs are when he wisecracks dirty "your mama" jokes on a flustered Alex Trebeck. Originally from Edinburgh, his turns as James Bond more than forgive his turn robbing the cradle in that horrible spy movie he made with Catherine Zeta-Jones awhile back. Plus he's done a lot of other stuff too. He may be old, but back in the day, he was hot!

4. Dario Franchetti – With a name like Dario Franchetti you’d think he’s gotta be Italian, right? Nope, he’s Scottish. He’s originally from Bathgate, with Scottish parents of Italian descent. He is the current, three-time IndyCar Series champion after claiming a third title in 2010 in addition to his 2007 and 2009 titles. On May 30, 2010, he won his second Indianapolis 500 race. In 2001 he married Ashley Judd in a castle outside his hometown in Scotland. Cute! And with a little much-needed eyebrow grooming, he’s not a bad looking guy. My guess is it’s probably nice to be him.

5. Dougray Scott – My second favorite Scotsman on this list, Mr. Butler aside, Dougray Scott is most notably remembered for his role as Prince Henry in Ever After, the Drew Barrymore Cinderalla tale that I saw, I’m not kidding you, 13 times in college (it was the only good thing at the cheap seats for about a year). Originally from Glenrothes, Fife, he’s also starred in the crappiest made-for-cable version of the Ten Commandments as none other than Moses, as well as in an early season of Desperate Housewives. Obviously Dougray Scott either has really bad taste in roles, or needs a new manager and casting agent. I’m available, Dougray, in case you’re shopping around.

Honorable Mentions:
1 Paulo Nutini – Nutini made the list because of his beautiful voice and music, though I don’t think I’d necessarily want to kiss him. Yet I’d gladly kiss any of the above (well except you, Grandpa Connery) to his song Last Request, which is so sway-to-the-music-pretty. If you haven’t heard it, which I’m sure you all have heard, then go download it and find someone to make out with, seriously. It’s that good. Nutini is also from Paisley, though you’d think he was born in the same little Italian town as Franchetti, named as he is (you don’t see too many Scotsmen named Paulo). But nope, he’s Scottish, as are both his parents, though his dad is of Italian descent.

2. Susan Boyle – And here you thought she was Brittish? Nope, she’s from Blackburn, West Lothian to be exact. And though she’s a woman, she gets an honorable mention for two reasons. #1, best makeover ever!! #2 – Well, for my girl Michelle, who just bought the new Susan Boyle Christmas album, and endured massive amounts of ridicule from both her husband and myself. There's not much "hot" about her, but here for you, an honorable mention shout oooouuuuutttttt for Chelle!!!!!!!!

3. Kevin McKidd – you know, if you like the Gingers. Not everybody does, though I can kinda see it. But he was great in Rome, really. From Elgin, Scotland, he has a strong theater background, and was also in Trainspotting, with the below mentioned McGregor. More recently he’s done some work on Grey’s Anatomy and Made Of Honor (he must have the same craptastic agent as Dougray Scott. Seriously you guys, message me!)

4. Ewan McGregor – he’s not exactly my type, as I think he might weigh something close to 102 lbs. But if you like that kinda thing, definitely he’s the hot Scotsman for you. Born in Crieff, he did pull off a wonderful turn as a young Obi Won Kenobi in some of the Star Wars movies. Whatsmore he was fantastical as a lovestruck Bohemian in Moulin Rouge (who knew he could sing??? His version of Your Song is, in my opinion, better than Elton John’s original, and I tear up when he sings the opening lines of Come What May), and he also produced some documentary about riding his motorcycle across the entire planet or something extraordinary like that. All that definitely deserves an honorable mention.

So you can keep your Irish, what with all their Bono's and green beer. Me, I'll take a Scotsman any day of the week. Between the two (well three, if you throw in the Brittish), I think the Scottish might be the sexier bunch. And that's not just me blowin' smoke up yer kilt, either. That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.


Just me... said...

It would take too long to wait til I was 85 to have a crush on Sean Connery, I've had one from the first moment I heard that beautiful voice! Watching him right now in Indiana Jones.

Anonymous said...