Wednesday, September 08, 2010

What You Can Say And What You Can't Say And Why That Sucks

There are definitely some drawbacks to having your friends know about your blog. The first and foremost being that they read it. Ergo, if I have something I want to blog about, and it's going to be pretty obvious that it's about my friends, I just can't do it, no matter how many words-onto-paper I want to get out. It's not necessarily anything negative, but it could be pretty obvious, and embarrassing nonetheless.

There are times I want to chuck caution to the wind, live a life of complete and authentic transparency, and blog it anyways. My friend Kari says I'm definitely a "wear my heart on my sleeve" kind of gal, and while it's true, unlike Lady Gaga I have no Poker Face, I would hope that I'm at least a little mysterious and subtle at times. I doubt it though. I know I show my emotions much more than I should, and only wish I could hide them, making people wonder what's going on in this ticker of mine. I'm just not that girl. Blogging only makes it that much worse, because now instead of just guessing by the look on my face, my friends can read what I'm thinking word for word for lovely little incriminating word.

This is all to say - I'm struggling with some pretty intense emotions this week, and I really want to blog about it, because I have a lot to say, and some of it could be quite cathartic, and some of it relevant to what other's may be thinking or feeling too. But if I do, I'm afraid that the people who it involves, who love me, and have befriended me and nurture me would feel bad. Not that they've done anything wrong (again, to clarify, it's not anything negative I have to say), but just because they would recognize themselves as the catalyst for what I'm feeling, and I'm afraid they'd take it personally.

All this to say, there is a lot I want to say. A lot I want to post, and to write about, and verbalize through, if for no other reason than to just process. But I can't. And that, in itself, is just as frustrating as the things that I want to say in the first place. Things may change, I may get up some nerve, I may start to be ok with being honest about my feelings, even though I know it will mean having to confront them, in the context of friendships. But for now, just know that I am spilling over like a cup stuck under a faucet for far too long. And there is nowhere for all this water to go.

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