Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Playing Catch Up

So a friend recently asked me for witty words of wisdom, here on my blog, to color and entertain her life. I wish I had them all the time. Even when I do, I'm not always near a computer, to just sit down and let my fingers do the talking, you know?

But I know you all deserve a catch-up, so brief as it is, here goes:

I got a job. It's good. That's all I'm saying on that.

I am not depressed - though thank you to all the well wishers who were a bit concerned after my last post. Even then I wasn't depressed - just pondering the differences between "Faith" and "Hope" and no, I'm not even talking about my last two church's. (And the greatest of these is love... just a little biblical humor in there for y'all). Faith is something we're promised has results and that is more or less tangible. Hope is less tangible, more ethereal, less solid, and something that we are not necessarily called to do, but because of God's goodness find ourselves doing anyways. Both are beautiful, and transcendent in their own way. I'm just trying to work out the differences between what we're promised and what we can only hope for in this life. They're not always the same.

Love life - meh, the same. After another failed, two month, get-yer-hopes-up-just-to-realize-he's-not-the-man-you-want relationship, and a date or two in it's aftermath, I'm back to just wishing I could have all or nothing. It's the in between, the desiring, that I don't want. I either want to be single, and want to want it with all my heart, or want to be married, snuggling up to somebody who'll hold my hand every night and having a wonderful family of my own adorable chubby, bright eyed, dimpled babies. Either or. I'm happy with either or. But not this in between.

I heard that an acquaintance, a guy I hardly know, but see occasionally, told someone the other day that he feels called to being single. I jumped for joy!! The first thing I thought was "Yay! He knows what he wants!! I'm so happy for him." How wonderful it must be to know what you want, and to be solid in it. I also thought, whew, now I can pursue just being his friend, without fear of him thinking I'm after him because he's young and single. In all honesty, there's a lot of guys I just don't try to be friends with for fear that they'll think I'm just some other single gal trying to get a chance with them. I'm not, I just really want to be his friend, and now that I know that, maybe I can just walk right up to him and be like "Hey dude, I heard you feel called to singleness. That's so great. Wanna just be friends?" Yay!!

And really that's about it for me lately. I have in my mind, and as something I'm wrestling with, more on this subject of faith vs. hope. The battle between what we're called to do, what we're promised, and what we can only anticipate and well, hope for. To the kind, wonderful women who's been reading my blog for two years now, and worries that I was depressed, I reassure, I am not, nor was I ever really. I think God's love and faithfulness were always keeping my head above water. But I will admit to this - hopelessness for me, is a deep black well, where you throw your penny in, and can never be sure if you'll hear it hit the bottom. There might be a bottom to that well, but you'll never really know. Faith, on the other hand, faith is a well that, though it may seem deep and bottomless, always has a bottom, and you can hear your penny splash, sometimes faintly, and sometimes resounding with a beautiful echo. Faith always answers. Faith never disappoints. Faith, what we are called and commanded to have and do, is ultimately rooted in God's love and His faithfulness to us. That's why it's a rope I will cling to with assurance and security. Hope, well that's another story, and one I'm trying to find the answer to. If I come up with anything, I promise, I'll be more faithful to let you know. I guess you can only hope.

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