Friday, March 13, 2009

A Few Days Later: Or My New Experiment In Postdated Blogging

So, in my most recent post, you may have noticed that I wrote it exactly a week & a day ago. This one isn't that different. I wrote it Monday.

A while back I started journaling every day, throughout the day, with the hopes of blogging it. I figured I could just email it to myself, and post it at night, from the Dunn Bros. Upon reading a lot of what I wrote, however, I thought it was way too personal, and transparent for me to post online. Who knows who actually reads this thing, right? So, there those posts sat, in my Drafts folder, waiting to be released out into the world. I guess today I'm feeling a little freespirited and daring. It could be the amazingly cool boho-chic Maxi dress I'm wearing, with an ivory chunky cardigan, a gold and agate multi-strand necklace and funky brown platform booties. It's totally an outfit out of the pages of Lucky........ if they did a Hippie Chick spread!!!

But I digress...... Here's what I was feeling/thinking/writing on Monday:

Most days I just want to write what's on my heart. I find it therapeutic, cathartic even. And yet there's so much holding me back for fear of discovery, for fear of retribution even.

Specifically, I want to write about all the ways that work has becoming increasingly more frustrating and discouraging. Rumors are flying around like stinging wasps, of more layoffs coming soon. It's hard not to listen to all that, much less not to speculate, and now, not to even get into how I feel about. The remembrance of hearing about people losing their jobs because their boss went on Facebook and saw pictures of them that were inappropriate or reading their blog and finding out exactly what they think about their coworkers is a driving factor in keeping my thoughts to myself. I think, how much am I really putting on the line, besides my inconsequential vulnerability, if I write down here all the ways that I'm saddened and frustrated by my work situations and the people around me?

I want to write about what's going on in my so-called love life instead. But what if someone I'm actually interested in reads this? Well, I've committed to living an authentic, open life..... I guess this is one way to do that. Is that a risk I want to take though? Am I cutting off my nose, to spite my face?

This past weekend I had the privilege to have some amazing conversations though. Saturday was such a spirit filled day, as I spent quality time with some amazing, God-fearing friends. My first appointment of the day took me to my friend Karen's house, where we sat and talked, literally for hours. During that conversation, I had the opportunity to share my feelings about being single. I really like it actually. I think I've come to a point in my life where it's not just something I have to get used to anymore. I enjoy my freedom, and see more and more what a selfless adjustment sharing my life with someone else would have to be. Not that I'm not up for the task. As a matter of fact, I'm starting to see how love and gratefulness are the best motivations for serving, and that is a nugget of truth that I think would serve me well in marriage. After all, what is marriage but dying to self? Along side another person of course, and often for the sake of that person. Even so, though I think I have a lot more maturity and grace to bring to marriage than I did, say even 5 years ago, it's not something that I long or pine for, as I see many Christian women doing. It's an unbelievably easy trap to fall into. God's grace alone has kept me from it, not my own self-doubting, pie in the sky self.

Even still, as I revisit my journaling later in the week (it's Thursday now), it's hard not to fall into those traps as I watch the last shards of hope for someone I might have or might not have been interested in, wisp away like fog in the increasing afternoon heat. Without even realizing it, in my mind, I had set this person up as my last shred of hope for ever finding love and companionship. I am embarrassed to say that I let the possibility of dating him, or even of him finding me interesting enough to get to know, build up in my mind, through the anticipation and excitement that goes along with that first date experience. I know better than that!! I'm usually so smart, so level-headed about not building up things in my mind, and creating unrealistic expectations. That's the main reason I don't like romantic comedies. The expectation grows like an out of control weed, so that the experience is almost always a let down. I don't want to be like those other girls who live life waiting for their prince to show up on his white horse. There are no white horses, as far as I'm concerned. Just average guys, with faults and issues of their own. And that makes the perception of a situation a horse of a different color.

Yep, that's my love-life story. Boring really. I mean, there's nothing new going on there. I could talk about the fact that I've been Gluten & Dairy Free for over a week now. This is a great accomplishment for me, and one I'm really, really excited about. I hit up the Wedge Co-Op the other day and picked up some great new products to try, including GF/CF Mac & Cheese from a blue box!! Who knew? I got some fresh produce, and can't wait to try a new recipe for Balsamic Glazed Brussell Sprouts. BTW - am I one of the few people around anymore who like Brussell Sprouts? With a little pancetta, and some roasted garlic? Mmmm. They're not just for Thanksgiving anymore. Back to the story, though... the other night I made (drumroll please.....) Garlic and Shallot Buffalo Meatloaf and Non-Dairy Garlic Mashed Potatoes. They were both delicious with a fruity, full bodied Merlot that I picked up. Though, here comes true confessions time.... I'm the kind of girl that grew up with Ketchup glazed meatloaf, and so, well, I couldn't help it. I had to slather that rich, red nummyness on top before it baked. The sweetness set off the garlic quite well, I must say.

Well, I guess, coming to the end of this post, trivial things like what I made for dinner, or how long I've been Gluten Free, are much easier to relate and share than the weight of things that really are on my heart at the end of another long day. In any case, good, bad or ugly, that's what's new with me.

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