Saturday, April 12, 2008

So Long, Farewell, Auf Weidersehn, Well You Get The Picture

I just did it. I just sent the note I should've sent months ago. I just sent the note that said "We can't be friends, and you don't love me, so let's just say goodbye".

It seems to be a trend with me lately.

What am I doing, thinking, cutting out these relationships that don't feed or nurture or even love or support me? I said goodbye (and frankly good riddance) to a church that offered me no support or friendship or care, lately. And how liberating was that? A true breath of fresh air! And now I've said goodbye to him. To the UnChivalrous Ex.

I will miss him, I know. I will miss a lot of things about him, but sadly, I'll probably mostly miss the way he made me feel, that maybe someone out there liked me. Then again, who was I kidding? He kept reminding me lately that despite thinking I'm a real peach of a woman, he saw no future with me and that I wasn't the girl for him.

So why stay "friends" then? I have great friends. Friends who love me, and care about me, somehow manage to think I'm funny, see me for who I am and don't wish I was different, and don't remind me at every turn that I make them feel like they're walking on eggshells. Do I need to pretend in a friendship with someone who's holding me back? Does he need me to be his friend, as if he needed one more? I'm not like his friends - cool, funny, smart and worldly. I am all those things, but not in the way his friends are, so he doesn't need me.

Do I really think he'll miss me? I don't know. I doubt it. I mean, he's so far away, and we never see each other anyways. How can you miss someone you never see or interact with? How can you miss someone you never let in anyways?

I hope I didn't hurt him. That's the last thing I want. I really liked this guy. I went to bat for him. I defended him to friends, to coworkers, to my mom. I forgave him when he hurt my feelings and apologized to him (rather unhealthily) when I called him on his actions, and made him feel bad.

I'm a good woman. I might be naive, a little more Giselle from Enchanted than Giselle Bundchen. But I like me. And someone out there is bound to like me too. Probably some boring, balding, computer geek type who hasn't talked to a woman in over 6 months, but hey, I'm all for stepping stones. Just kidding.

I know I did the right thing. I want him to find happiness, but some old cliche about horses and water pops into my head when I say that. I want to find happiness, and even if dumping him was only an exercise in asserting proper boundaries and making good decisions for myself, that's good enough for me. And really, that's all I want. What's good enough for me.

1 comment:

China Doll said...

I hope you haven't said goodbye to me too. I haven't heard from you in a while. Want to hang out soon?