Am I Off My Rocker?

So, here's what I've been up to this past week - WOW!

The past seven days have me learning a lot, from Roommate R (more like Roommatee ARRRGGHH!!) about communication, and worth. As in, I just want to hang some freakin' curtains and have pretty things around the house, but I need to compromise because I'm not the only person living in this house, and when I can't do the things that I want to do (because they're my gifts therefore I want to do them) my sense of value and worth drops exponentially, and I feel like crap. *And breathe.* But if I would just take a step back, communicate instead of hiding my thoughts and feelings in fear (of misunderstanding, or unappreciation), then I'm sure things would be ok. I have major issues, and I'm learning to deal with them, and work through them, and I'm grateful all the time for the Lord stretching me and growing me and for R being patient and not telling me to my face that I'm mental.

Besides that, I have applied for a professional writing position. And I really hope I get it!! It's for a website directed at residents of the Twin Cities, and I applied for a position writing a Dating & Relationships column. Now is the time for those of you who just peed your pants with laughter to go change your Depends.

Ok, back now? Great, because seriously, I want to be the Carrie Bradshaw of Minneapolis. I do! I'm so excited, and I know I might be jinxing my chances by even mentioning it, but how awesome would that be. WHO has more hilarious first date stories than I do? No one!!

But, the fact of the matter is, I'm not dating anyone right now, and the last relationship I was in broke my heart like the distended femur of a car-crashed zombie. (Speaking of the Zed-word, I'm reading World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War right now, but more on that later). As I thought about my qualifications, or lack thereof, for this column, the one thing that glares me in the face tauntingly is my own lack of love-life.

Yeah, I could blather on about relationships no problem - because basically they consist of all the same elements, whether it's romantic, or platonic or familial, etc. But dating? I'm so painfully unqualified for that topic right now, that it's almost a matter of humiliation. Except that it's funny.

So, even though I've been praying about it, of course, (doing the whole "I don't get it God... I'm not a total dog. I'm kinda funny. What gives?" thing), I decided I'm gonna give online dating a try. Again. I'm sure I'll have hiliarious antics to tell about all the horrible ways this is going to go wrong, and in all honesty and sincerity, I have absolutely no high hopes for meeting someone this way. Really, I just kind of need material. So keep your fingers crossed and get ready to have your funny bones tickled, because tonight, I just signed up on both Match.com and Chemistry.com.

Is this wrong of me? I mean, ethically? Since I, in all sincerity, have no expectations of anyone actually wanting to date me, it's not like I'm leading anyone on. Therefore, I see no problem with it. But if there is some glaring moral imperative staring me in the face here, and I'm glazing right through it, I expect you, my readers, to please let me know. After all, I may be undateable, but that doesn't mean I want to be a total jerk.

Ok, on to more fun, and exciting, topics. ZOMBIES!! Heeeheeee. I'm reading the amazing book, World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War, by Max Brookes. And honestly, it's knockin' my home-knit socks off. Written from the perspective of a journalist (albeit fictional), who has survived a world-wide epidemic of Zed's, this book explores more of the human vs. human aspect of war and pestilence than it does the living dead. A great read for anyone who's interested in the concept of man's destruction at his own hand. Or as my least favorite New Jersey housewife put it last night "Dialogue & Dialect". Ummm, yeah.

Well, time to head outta the Prairie-Brary and head home for some dinner and light (hah!) reading. But before I go, I guess I should check my inbox in case anyone has emailed me for a date (Hah some more!!). Thanks for reading, and thank you for your support.

QuirkyAlone W/ Nasty Chest Cold Seeks Tall Dark Same To Validate Inner Neurosis.

I read an essay today, on what it means to be QuirkyAlone. Not just quirky, and not just alone, which taken separately people can be in a mutually exclusive manner, but literally QuirkyAlone. Sadly, I read this essay while browsing a wedding planning blog.

"A wedding planning blog?" you say?? Don't jump to conclusions, oh legion of fan (probably not enough of you to use a plural). I'm not getting married - my friend's sister is. And of course, she'll be the MOH, and so I was indulging her girliness as she kept emailing me pictures of very foofy promlike dresses. She kept sending me to all these wedding websites, where to view anything you have to sign up, and they give you two choices when you do - Are you the Bride? Or, are you the Groom? How about "Are you the nice single girl who's just supporting her friends, and has given up on finding true love herself?" Was that ever an option?

So, as I tagged along on her giddy, girly, ride, looking at websites, mock-agreeing that yes a Hot Pink haired bride really is romantic, etc, I realized that actually, for me, there is just one. Bridal website that is - RockNRollBride.com OMG @ RNRB! Were the heavens ever to implode, night become day, day become night, and a man was found on earth that was actually interested in taming this fiery beast, I would go nowhere else for inspiration for my big day. Just RockNRollBride.com. Trust me, it's the best.

But till that fourth dimension vortex of impossibility ever occurs, I've now been officially labeled as QuirkyAlone. I even took a quiz, with q & a's such as

13. On the way to work, you spot a perfect JCrew couple holding hands. What do you feel?
Nothing.
That's nice.
It must be so easy for you.

and
1. Do you like walking (alone) at night?
Yes, I am fascinated by the interactions between strangers that play out before me.
In fact, I do like to walk alone and look at the moon and the way the snow/rain glitters.
I think of walking alone in utilitarian terms: It's a matter of getting from point A to point B.
Long walks alone at night do not appeal to me. They seem dangerous and/or boring.

Not surprisingly, I scored in the highest possible category, labeling one as a QuirkyAlone. 118 points, to be exact. The description given read "Relatives may give you quizzical looks, and so may friends, but you know in your heart of hearts that you are following your inner voice. Though you may not be romancing a single person, you are romancing the world! Celebrate your freedom, you QuirkyAlone!" Which has given me license to do what I do every other night, go home and down half a bottle of Three Buck Chuck while watching whatever came in Netflix that day. So for those of you still foggy as a San Francisco morning, what exactly does it mean to be QuirkyAlone? Well, here's the general definition:

Quirkyalone noun/adj. A person who has the capacity to enjoy single life (but is not opposed to being in a relationship) and generally prefers to be alone rather than dating for the sake of being in a couple. I must say, I rather like it. It's a mindset, or so I hear.

The German poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote that "You should not let yourself be confused in your solitude by the fact that there is something in you that wants to break out of it. People have (with the help of conventions) oriented all their solutions toward the easy, and toward the easiest side of easy, but it is clear that we must hold to that which is difficult." I wholeheartedly agree. Yet, upon further examination, maybe I don't agree so wholeheartedly. I don't find my solitude difficult. Rather, I find it to be the easy solution. In solitude, I don't need to worry about another person's happiness, or sacrifice time or will, or compromise on matters of little importance really. I can do what I want, when I want. I'll never forget the feeling of surprise and elation I first felt when I realized "I'm an adult now, I can eat ice cream for dinner if I want to, and no one can tell me not to". It was a revolutionary epiphany at the age of 23. Being single, I don't need to fight for my share of the duvet from someone whose snoring could rattle the brains out of a zombie, which is exactly what I'd be every morning. I don't need to worry about someone breaking my heart by ignoring my puppy-like need for affection, or cheating on me and really, really breaking my heart, as well as the precious sanctity of marriage. For me, being alone is the lazy, complacent solution to what I perceive a relationship being - a lot of hard work.

I'm sure I'm just attempting to delude myself by this false front of independence however. By it's definition a QuirkyAlone realizes that there are benefits to being in a couple, but doesn't feel the need to be in one just to fulfill some status. I'm actually really happy being alone, and I'm sure I would be happy in the right relationship as well. The right one. Which daily I wonder if I should still be praying and holding out for? Maybe it's time to embrace just being an AloneAlone. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

What's The Truth Part II

Ok, so on another note... a guy friend of mine told me today that he is fed up with girls using the line "I'm not interested in dating anyone right now, I'm finally happy on my own." and then turning around and within weeks, nay days, dating someone. Other than them.

So sorry mon frère! It could be a line. But you know what? I kind of wish I was dating someone right now. I am happy on my own but life could be a little less boring if there was someone nice to share all that with. But, hey, since I'm not, guess what? I'm happy single too. Less drama this way, and it's cheaper too.

So, see, sometimes girls just need to fess up. Next time a girl uses that line on you, you should tell them I said so.

Marcus the produce god (aka: things I wish I could say out loud)

It has been forever since I saw you - only just that one time. It was the night before Thanksgiving, and it was late. Eleven thirty late. You were in the produce section, doing God knows what to the veggies. Lucky cukes. I was contemplating the finer points of shallots. And you convinced me that shallots and garlic were quite necessary for my Autumn Panzanella. I fell hard that night, for your culinary knowledge and easy smile made it impossible not to. I finished my shopping and made two excuses to return to the produce section. Really, I had no intentions of taking clementines to Thanksgiving, and I knew just where to check for Brussells Sprouts. But I would have bought forty dollar mangosteens just to have you give me directions to another store. Your directions were flawless by the way. I must have looked so clumsy and neurotic - *sigh*. What has happened to you? I have looked for you, on the rare occasion I'm grocery shopping past ten at night. I haven't seen you since that fateful autumn night. Even if I were to see you, would you really do anything but offer me great customer service? Would there be any sweeping off the feet in front of the bagged salads? Any passionate, stolen kisses in the organic section? I wonder, that's all I can do, is wonder. Marcus, the Produce god - I called two girlfriends that night to sing your praises. Really, they need an update. Where are you?

"The Cynical Romantic Un-Divorcee" - A Doris Day/Liz Taylore Production

Now anyone who knows me well, knows that I'm not really the type to sit around gushing over romance. I am just not like other girls that way, no matter how "girly" I am perceived. I think part of it is that I'm so happy in my life as a single woman, that I would much rather stay as such then to settle for anything less than the best God has for me. And since that "best" is nothing I can conjure up through my own efforts, I don't really put much time or energy into dating or even thinking about dating or romance in general.

I'm not the type to get saddened over Valentines Day, I don't care for romantic comedies (I think they're porn for Christian women, give me a war drama any day), and I don't gaze starry-eyed and dreamily at newlywed couples or wedding magazines.

That is, till I discovered the wedding announcement page on NYTimes.com. Who knew that such a thing existed? Granted, I remember a vague reference of a Burberry nature on a Sex & The City episode, but the reality of these lovelorn announcements is far superior to anything HBO could've come up with. They are the sweetest stories. And the naive, quixotic, idealistic romantic in me get's all teary eyed reading them. Where did this girl come from?

Not that I sit in hopeful anticipation for myself, as much as I hold out an optimistic "wouldn't this be nice if they actually made it work" attitude for the couples. I read their announcements, and more than anything at that moment, I want so bad for it to not end in divorce for them. I want to see the numbers change, the odds beat and lives go unwrecked.

This week, in reading Matthew, I completely missed what God was saying about divorce. I think that since I have put to rest my own feelings about my parent's divorce, and since I would rather remain single for life than to marry with the faintest chance that it could end so bitterly, I just don't think about divorce too often. But a friend of mine was hit hard when the discussion turned towards divorce, and someone commented to him that she didn't even see the relevance of talking about it, if as Christians, we all weren't planning on ever getting divorced. Little did this sweet, but peppermint footed, girl know, but my friend's parent's, like my own, had been divorced. And now, he is facing the remarriage of one of his parent's - these verses have huge application in his life right now.

Why is this so relevant to him, to me, to anyone really? Because besides the fact that anyone who divorces their spouse, without adultery for a cause, in effect committs adultery and, in Jesus's words, makes her commit adultery, the Bible goes on to say that whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery as well.

That's huge. And right now, I know that is huge on the mind of someone I care for, deeply, as a friend. Divorce has huge implications, and huge impact, and huge consequences. And even for someone as decidedly far from relationships as me, the significance of it isn't lost. It pains me, the cynical romantic that I am, to think that hurt is caused to so many people through decisions that our culture sees as a normal, albeit, sometimes easy, way out. In my own idealism and naivety, I just wish that every marriage could work out beautifully and poetically and honorably.

I don't want to write this, and then leave someone hanging, who has questions about divorce. Nor do I want someone who has gone through that painful process to read this and walk away feeling condemned, misunderstood or hopeless. Our God is a good God, and He has grace and mercy for those who turn to Him. Know that to be true, and trust in Him. And I am in no way judging anyone who has divorced a spouse, I have been through my own parent's situation and would never take that stand. So if you have questions, or comments, please let me know. For the sake of brevity, I am going to cut this short, having made my point at how impacted I have been by both the beauty of marriage this week and the tragedy of it's demise.

Here's counting down to V-Day. Only 12 more days people. :-)