Ridiculously Silly Fictional Crushes

So, I’m totally addicted to those Facebook quiz’s. You know, the ones that are like “If you were a kind of cookie, which would you be?” (Snickerdoodle), or “If you were a type of Laundry Soap, which would you be?” (Snuggle), or “If you were a Infectious Bacteria, which would you be?” (Ummm, not sure, Tuberculosis maybe?? Ringworm?).

Anyways, at the Prairie-Brary today, I saw one that was “Which Fictional Character Are You?” (I’d like to think Elizabeth Bennett-Darcy, but probably more like Pippi Longstocking, the brunette version). And that, coupled with the fact that I’m still thinking about Jason Segal’s calves got me to thinking, I should come up with a “All-time Favorite Fictional Crushes” list. So, in the spirit of it’s Friday and I want a margarita on a deck, here’s my daydreamy-I-don’t-feel-like-working Fictional Crushes list. The Top Ten version. And I promise you, Edward Cullen is nowhere near it.

10. Josh Lyman (The West Wing). He’s ridiculously smart, can hold a witty, reference laden, intelligent conversation in speed-talk mode, never missing a beat or a clever retort He’s patriotic, idealistic and determined, kind of awkward but really sweet in the end. Yeah, he’s definitely my favorite Democrat.

9. Eliot Stabler (Law & Order SVU) – A man dedicated to upholding his own strict code of justice, while in constant balance/tension with his deep sense of faith and spirituality? With a big heart for his big family? And a protective spirit for the women in his life? And tattoos?? Come on, he’s a hero’s hero. A man’s man!

8. Jack Shepherd (Lost), tied with Walter Fane (The Painted Veil). One of my favorite quotes from The Painted Veil is when Waddington is telling Kitty (Walter’s wife) that his mistress, Wan Xi, loves him, because as she says “He’s a good man”. And Kitty, shallow, stubborn Kitty says “As if a woman has ever loved a man for his virtue.”. To which, in my mind, I always answer “What else is there to love a man for?” Give me a man who is good, heroic, and can always be counted on to do the right thing, and I will give you my heart in a quivering puddle in return.

7. Jim Halpert. Think of all the fun we’d have pulling pranks on people and going to baseball games! What a riot! And he likes artistic women to boot!

6. Michael Scofield/Lincoln Scofield…. Can we just get a third brother here, encompassing the best of both of these Prison Break hotties. Michael’s eyes/cerebralism & Lincolns jawline all wrapped up in a non-felon/fugitive brother?

5. Bruce Wayne – ok, ok, I know that in the end I’d either get my heart totally broken, or my head ripped off my body by bad guys. But there’s something so exciting about the danger element, and that dark, dark, mysterious personality combined with the undeniable sense of vigilante justice. Bruce Wayne is a man that can get things done. Yeah, I’d totally date Batman.

4. Colonal Brandon (Sense & Sensibility) – Even when Marianne snubbed him as a dull, older man, choosing the flighty, disloyal charms of Willoughby instead, he managed to wait patiently by and prove his worth. He remained constantly devoted to her, sacrificially so, and eventually proved that even the most stoic and serious of men can hide a romantic past and a doting heart.

3. Mr. Darcy (Pride & Predjudice) – oh yes, even with a name like Fitzwilliam (what do you call him? Fitz? Will? Fitzbill?), Mr. Darcy is the thinking woman’s romantic hero. Passionate, full of integrity, honest, intelligent, a flawless verbal sparrer and possessing a willingness to look beyond a crazy family? Not to mention that his recent cinematic embodiements haven’t been too hard on the eyes. Yet, for all his excellent exterior qualities, it’s Mr. Darcy’s inner character that I admire most.

2. Marshall Erickson (How I Met Your Mother) – the goofiness, the quirkiness, the unabashed sensitivity, the Minnesotan background, the calves, people, the calves. I have a fierce soft spot for Jason Segal, and it’s all in part to his character, Marshall on HIMYM. I’m telling you, it’s the calves.

1. Gilbert Blythe (Anne of Green Gables & subsequent books) – Without a doubt, Gilbert Blythe was my original Fictional Character crush. I remember first laying eyes on him, during a “movie day” in Mrs. Parras’ 6th Grade classroom. It was fictional crush at first sight. There was something so smug about his self-assuredness, yet his soft spot for Anne was readily apparent, and it drew me into to an appreciation of his character and eventually Lucy Maud Montgomery’s books. Throughout, he was patiently devoted to Anne, and never encroached on her independent spirit. And he was a doctor. With curly, dark hair. I think the thing that strikes me most about Gilbert & Anne’s relationship, to this day, however, is that it was always based on a mutual admiration of friendship and comraderie before romance. The admiration and respect that Gilbert had for Anne, and let’s face it, his dark curly hair and the twinkle in his hazel eyes, had me at hello, and for that, he is my number one favorite fictional character crush.

Gush!! Drool!! Moan & Roam!!

Ok, I've been talking up this book for weeks.... but until a few days ago, I assumed I had to be the only weirdo who happened to think Jane Austen would pair well with, I don't know, say George Romero. Trust me, as a harebrainedly romantic, bookwormish female with an obsession with the brain-devouring undead it made perfect sense!!! But I guess now that Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, by the late, great Jane Austen and L.A. native Seth Grahame-Smith, has reached #3 on the NY Times Bestseller List it's time to publicly profess the love that has been brewin' for quite some time now.

Talk about a seamless meshing of all that I adore and find charming and amusing. Jane Austen!! Elizabeth Bennett (really one of my all time favorite literature heroines)!! Flesh Eating Zombies!!! How can you not fall in love with the idea of introducing the rudest of horror creatures into a English novel of manners? Even the opening line is charming, in it's own irreverent and twisted way: "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains." Heeeheeeehee!!!

Elizabeth Bennett is given the full makeover treatment, into a zombie slayer who can still maintain impeccable manners and a piercing wit, as she demonstrates her lethal martial arts skills. Gone are just the verbal spars of Lizzie and Mr. Darcy, as they now break into physical sparring as well. As a matter of fact, all the Bennett sisters are trained in the art of killing, having studied martial arts in China. Of course they're expected to lay down their swords once they're married off to a suitable husband, which despite their heroic skill set is only befitting a lady. Even the most irritating of Bennett sisters, Kitty and Lydia, are rendered moderately more likable, now that they has training in something other than ribbon buying, shameless flirtation and family shaming.

Though the general jist of PriPreZo reads that it's an "...expanded edition of the beloved Jane Austen novel featuring all-new scenes of bone-crunching zombie mayhem", it's really more than just a retelling of a classic story with some blood and gore thrown in. New plot twists evolve to match the horror theme while retaining the essentials would expect from Austen - romance, heartbreak and true English propriety. That still doesn't stop the undead from roaming the British countryside, and therein PriPreZo finds it's charm.

For me, one of the final highlights of the book was found in the discussion questions, actually. The question, "Some critics have suggested that the zombies represent the author's views toward marriage -- an endless curse that sucks the life out of you and just won't die. Do you agree?" resonated deeply with my hidden phobias. I could take a baseball bat or a machete to any zombie any day of the week, but committing to entrusting my heart into another's person's hands is fear I won't easily overcome.

So while the J.J.'s of the world may snicker at me, and my odd conglomeration of entertainment preferences (yes, you can like both Martha Stewart Living and Battlestar Galactica, or Lord of the Rings and knitting), I just sit back and enjoy the fierce bloodsport and carnage while dreaming of my own Mr. D, emerging from a pond graced with rose bushes. For any likeminded individuals, whether you're an Austen fan, with a closet fetish for anything with the words "Of The Dead" in it, or a Horror Aficionado hiding a secret romantic gooey center, check out Pride and Prejudice and Zombies - it truly is the best of both worlds!

QuirkyAlone W/ Nasty Chest Cold Seeks Tall Dark Same To Validate Inner Neurosis.

I read an essay today, on what it means to be QuirkyAlone. Not just quirky, and not just alone, which taken separately people can be in a mutually exclusive manner, but literally QuirkyAlone. Sadly, I read this essay while browsing a wedding planning blog.

"A wedding planning blog?" you say?? Don't jump to conclusions, oh legion of fan (probably not enough of you to use a plural). I'm not getting married - my friend's sister is. And of course, she'll be the MOH, and so I was indulging her girliness as she kept emailing me pictures of very foofy promlike dresses. She kept sending me to all these wedding websites, where to view anything you have to sign up, and they give you two choices when you do - Are you the Bride? Or, are you the Groom? How about "Are you the nice single girl who's just supporting her friends, and has given up on finding true love herself?" Was that ever an option?

So, as I tagged along on her giddy, girly, ride, looking at websites, mock-agreeing that yes a Hot Pink haired bride really is romantic, etc, I realized that actually, for me, there is just one. Bridal website that is - RockNRollBride.com OMG @ RNRB! Were the heavens ever to implode, night become day, day become night, and a man was found on earth that was actually interested in taming this fiery beast, I would go nowhere else for inspiration for my big day. Just RockNRollBride.com. Trust me, it's the best.

But till that fourth dimension vortex of impossibility ever occurs, I've now been officially labeled as QuirkyAlone. I even took a quiz, with q & a's such as

13. On the way to work, you spot a perfect JCrew couple holding hands. What do you feel?
Nothing.
That's nice.
It must be so easy for you.

and
1. Do you like walking (alone) at night?
Yes, I am fascinated by the interactions between strangers that play out before me.
In fact, I do like to walk alone and look at the moon and the way the snow/rain glitters.
I think of walking alone in utilitarian terms: It's a matter of getting from point A to point B.
Long walks alone at night do not appeal to me. They seem dangerous and/or boring.

Not surprisingly, I scored in the highest possible category, labeling one as a QuirkyAlone. 118 points, to be exact. The description given read "Relatives may give you quizzical looks, and so may friends, but you know in your heart of hearts that you are following your inner voice. Though you may not be romancing a single person, you are romancing the world! Celebrate your freedom, you QuirkyAlone!" Which has given me license to do what I do every other night, go home and down half a bottle of Three Buck Chuck while watching whatever came in Netflix that day. So for those of you still foggy as a San Francisco morning, what exactly does it mean to be QuirkyAlone? Well, here's the general definition:

Quirkyalone noun/adj. A person who has the capacity to enjoy single life (but is not opposed to being in a relationship) and generally prefers to be alone rather than dating for the sake of being in a couple. I must say, I rather like it. It's a mindset, or so I hear.

The German poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote that "You should not let yourself be confused in your solitude by the fact that there is something in you that wants to break out of it. People have (with the help of conventions) oriented all their solutions toward the easy, and toward the easiest side of easy, but it is clear that we must hold to that which is difficult." I wholeheartedly agree. Yet, upon further examination, maybe I don't agree so wholeheartedly. I don't find my solitude difficult. Rather, I find it to be the easy solution. In solitude, I don't need to worry about another person's happiness, or sacrifice time or will, or compromise on matters of little importance really. I can do what I want, when I want. I'll never forget the feeling of surprise and elation I first felt when I realized "I'm an adult now, I can eat ice cream for dinner if I want to, and no one can tell me not to". It was a revolutionary epiphany at the age of 23. Being single, I don't need to fight for my share of the duvet from someone whose snoring could rattle the brains out of a zombie, which is exactly what I'd be every morning. I don't need to worry about someone breaking my heart by ignoring my puppy-like need for affection, or cheating on me and really, really breaking my heart, as well as the precious sanctity of marriage. For me, being alone is the lazy, complacent solution to what I perceive a relationship being - a lot of hard work.

I'm sure I'm just attempting to delude myself by this false front of independence however. By it's definition a QuirkyAlone realizes that there are benefits to being in a couple, but doesn't feel the need to be in one just to fulfill some status. I'm actually really happy being alone, and I'm sure I would be happy in the right relationship as well. The right one. Which daily I wonder if I should still be praying and holding out for? Maybe it's time to embrace just being an AloneAlone. Not that there's anything wrong with that.