Am I Off My Rocker?

So, here's what I've been up to this past week - WOW!

The past seven days have me learning a lot, from Roommate R (more like Roommatee ARRRGGHH!!) about communication, and worth. As in, I just want to hang some freakin' curtains and have pretty things around the house, but I need to compromise because I'm not the only person living in this house, and when I can't do the things that I want to do (because they're my gifts therefore I want to do them) my sense of value and worth drops exponentially, and I feel like crap. *And breathe.* But if I would just take a step back, communicate instead of hiding my thoughts and feelings in fear (of misunderstanding, or unappreciation), then I'm sure things would be ok. I have major issues, and I'm learning to deal with them, and work through them, and I'm grateful all the time for the Lord stretching me and growing me and for R being patient and not telling me to my face that I'm mental.

Besides that, I have applied for a professional writing position. And I really hope I get it!! It's for a website directed at residents of the Twin Cities, and I applied for a position writing a Dating & Relationships column. Now is the time for those of you who just peed your pants with laughter to go change your Depends.

Ok, back now? Great, because seriously, I want to be the Carrie Bradshaw of Minneapolis. I do! I'm so excited, and I know I might be jinxing my chances by even mentioning it, but how awesome would that be. WHO has more hilarious first date stories than I do? No one!!

But, the fact of the matter is, I'm not dating anyone right now, and the last relationship I was in broke my heart like the distended femur of a car-crashed zombie. (Speaking of the Zed-word, I'm reading World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War right now, but more on that later). As I thought about my qualifications, or lack thereof, for this column, the one thing that glares me in the face tauntingly is my own lack of love-life.

Yeah, I could blather on about relationships no problem - because basically they consist of all the same elements, whether it's romantic, or platonic or familial, etc. But dating? I'm so painfully unqualified for that topic right now, that it's almost a matter of humiliation. Except that it's funny.

So, even though I've been praying about it, of course, (doing the whole "I don't get it God... I'm not a total dog. I'm kinda funny. What gives?" thing), I decided I'm gonna give online dating a try. Again. I'm sure I'll have hiliarious antics to tell about all the horrible ways this is going to go wrong, and in all honesty and sincerity, I have absolutely no high hopes for meeting someone this way. Really, I just kind of need material. So keep your fingers crossed and get ready to have your funny bones tickled, because tonight, I just signed up on both Match.com and Chemistry.com.

Is this wrong of me? I mean, ethically? Since I, in all sincerity, have no expectations of anyone actually wanting to date me, it's not like I'm leading anyone on. Therefore, I see no problem with it. But if there is some glaring moral imperative staring me in the face here, and I'm glazing right through it, I expect you, my readers, to please let me know. After all, I may be undateable, but that doesn't mean I want to be a total jerk.

Ok, on to more fun, and exciting, topics. ZOMBIES!! Heeeheeee. I'm reading the amazing book, World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War, by Max Brookes. And honestly, it's knockin' my home-knit socks off. Written from the perspective of a journalist (albeit fictional), who has survived a world-wide epidemic of Zed's, this book explores more of the human vs. human aspect of war and pestilence than it does the living dead. A great read for anyone who's interested in the concept of man's destruction at his own hand. Or as my least favorite New Jersey housewife put it last night "Dialogue & Dialect". Ummm, yeah.

Well, time to head outta the Prairie-Brary and head home for some dinner and light (hah!) reading. But before I go, I guess I should check my inbox in case anyone has emailed me for a date (Hah some more!!). Thanks for reading, and thank you for your support.

Aporkalypse Now!

"This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but with an oink." - TS Eliot

Smoke 'em if you got 'em folks, because the end is nigh my friends, the end is nigh! That's right, we've had the first confirmed U.S. death in what some media sources are calling SNOUTBREAK '09!!!! I like to call it Aporkalypse Now. That's right, the Swine Flu has hit the US, and we're well on our way to a prickly pandemic of porkly proportions. The Avian Flu? HPV?? Those are so last year!

With 149 deaths in Mexico, the Swine Flu now ranks last in the list of things that can kill you in Mexico. The first three being 1. Bullets, 2. Cornballer Burns and 3. Asking that big guy over there if he's related to Ricky Martin.

News authorities have been on high alert, flooding the American public with more information than our greasy little brains can process. Every media outlet, from CNN to the Onion ("America's finest news source", yeah, only now that the Weekly World News is out of print), have been reporting on what they're calling a "frightening pandemic" and a "potentially devastating killer" saying that "the swine flu could wipe out tens of millions of people". At the same time though, you've got Anderson Cooper, Dr. Sanjay Gupta and some guy in a sailor uniform that looks oddly like Gopher from the Love Boat telling people not to panic, and saying "we don't want to freak people out about this". Huh?? As Jon Stewart so aptly said to the newsmakers "Do you even watch your own networks? You're the very reason we are freaking out!"

What's even better is that "legitimate" public figures are out there claiming that this flu strain could have it's roots in everything from bioterrorism to bestiality. Michael Savage, talk radio host and alarmingly moronic author of the book Psychological Nudity, states "Illegal aliens are bringing in a deadly new flue strain. Make no mistake about it." He can't even spell flu right! Which makes me just ask, btw, why are all the wack-jobs on talk radio? He continues "make no mistake about it, radical Islamic countries planted the virus in Mexico knowing that humans make the perfect mules for bringing the strain into America."

Yeah, because as 9/11 proved, getting their own people into the country is sooooo hard. Oh, and because Mexico City is just sooo close to the US border, that it shouldn't be a problem for inhabitants of a third world country, infected with a potentially deadly illness to travel hundreds of miles just to risk the dangers of trying to cross a border illegally.

Another talk radio prodigy, Neal Boortz blathers "What better way to sneak a virus into this country than to give to Mexicans, and then spread a rumor that there are construction jobs here, and boom, there they come." He forgot to mention fast food jobs, you don't want to forget those.

Speaking of fast food, Savage also stated that he planned on protecting himself by having "no contact anywhere you'd find illegal aliens, and that starts with restaurants." He called people who dine out "morons who eat in restaurants with illegal's all over the kitchen." Yeah, well you know Michael, we can't all make a living by spouting racist, ignorant and nearsighted comments on the radio airwaves.

Closer to home, a friend's husband, at the breakfast table the other morning, made an offhand comment about how things like this wouldn't happen if people would just stop having sex with animals. If that's the case, and like other diseases in the past, the Swine Flu is really a sexually transmitted disease, then how do you explain the Bird Flu? I may be a bit naive here, but I've never heard of anyone schtumping it to their parakeet. Maybe that's why they're called Love Birds.... hmmmm.

Seriously though, it sounds to me like the only sickness these people are catching is a virulent strain of ignorance.

I guess amidst all this doubt and uncertainty, the one thing I really want to know is this - Could this be the epidemic that finally ushers in the Zed word.... 28 days later will we be facing the age of Zombies?? I can just see it now, their blank undead faces roaming the streets, moaning, looking for brains like a fat boy looking for a pulled pork sandwich. In what I think was the most intelligent, most concise response to this epidemic, the blog Newscientist posted this comment, by a 13 year old boy named Zak:

"I may be just a thirteen year old, but i do know that i cant trust my government because if the virus becomes an epidemic they might come to the option of killing the infected. I know it sort of sounds like a zombie virus but what if the swine flu could combine with other flu's causing growth of protein strands. The growth of the protein in the virus can become so strong that it could be able to bring back dead cells. That could be one theory. But what do i know im just a kid."

Zak, you unknowing little genius you. People three times your age on TV couldn't have said it better! Let the right-wing talk radio jerk-offs babble all they want, let the news channels continue to overplay this into an hysteria reaching epidemic of misinformation. I picture a movie in the making.... it's a Harold & Maude type friendship story, complete with full zombie action, and talking animals (the swine of course!!). Zak & Trin, fightin' zombies, eating corn dogs & playing Mario Kart while annihilating the undead.

So, go ahead and drink all the Orange Juice you want. The only preventative measures I'm taking is to break out my machete, my Louisville Slugger, some 80's records and I'm gonna hunt down anything that looks like it might have it's roots in Charlotte's Web or Babe the Talking Pig. I have it on good authority that Swine Flu Zombies are vulnerable to mustard and apple sauce as well, so I might be stopping by the Piggly-Wiggly on my way to pick up some ammo for my makeshift squeeze bottle shotgun. This daywalker is following all the proper steps for Zombie outbreak including stockpiling, fortifying, arming, and moving. If this is truly the Pig-Zed-End, then in the immortal words of Winston Churchill, all I have to say is this: "We shall go on to the end... we shall fight in the fields, and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills, we shall never surrender." Dagnab it, we shall take those Swine Flu Zombies down! And the right-wing conservatives with 'em!!

Th-th-th-that's all folks!

Gush!! Drool!! Moan & Roam!!

Ok, I've been talking up this book for weeks.... but until a few days ago, I assumed I had to be the only weirdo who happened to think Jane Austen would pair well with, I don't know, say George Romero. Trust me, as a harebrainedly romantic, bookwormish female with an obsession with the brain-devouring undead it made perfect sense!!! But I guess now that Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, by the late, great Jane Austen and L.A. native Seth Grahame-Smith, has reached #3 on the NY Times Bestseller List it's time to publicly profess the love that has been brewin' for quite some time now.

Talk about a seamless meshing of all that I adore and find charming and amusing. Jane Austen!! Elizabeth Bennett (really one of my all time favorite literature heroines)!! Flesh Eating Zombies!!! How can you not fall in love with the idea of introducing the rudest of horror creatures into a English novel of manners? Even the opening line is charming, in it's own irreverent and twisted way: "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains." Heeeheeeehee!!!

Elizabeth Bennett is given the full makeover treatment, into a zombie slayer who can still maintain impeccable manners and a piercing wit, as she demonstrates her lethal martial arts skills. Gone are just the verbal spars of Lizzie and Mr. Darcy, as they now break into physical sparring as well. As a matter of fact, all the Bennett sisters are trained in the art of killing, having studied martial arts in China. Of course they're expected to lay down their swords once they're married off to a suitable husband, which despite their heroic skill set is only befitting a lady. Even the most irritating of Bennett sisters, Kitty and Lydia, are rendered moderately more likable, now that they has training in something other than ribbon buying, shameless flirtation and family shaming.

Though the general jist of PriPreZo reads that it's an "...expanded edition of the beloved Jane Austen novel featuring all-new scenes of bone-crunching zombie mayhem", it's really more than just a retelling of a classic story with some blood and gore thrown in. New plot twists evolve to match the horror theme while retaining the essentials would expect from Austen - romance, heartbreak and true English propriety. That still doesn't stop the undead from roaming the British countryside, and therein PriPreZo finds it's charm.

For me, one of the final highlights of the book was found in the discussion questions, actually. The question, "Some critics have suggested that the zombies represent the author's views toward marriage -- an endless curse that sucks the life out of you and just won't die. Do you agree?" resonated deeply with my hidden phobias. I could take a baseball bat or a machete to any zombie any day of the week, but committing to entrusting my heart into another's person's hands is fear I won't easily overcome.

So while the J.J.'s of the world may snicker at me, and my odd conglomeration of entertainment preferences (yes, you can like both Martha Stewart Living and Battlestar Galactica, or Lord of the Rings and knitting), I just sit back and enjoy the fierce bloodsport and carnage while dreaming of my own Mr. D, emerging from a pond graced with rose bushes. For any likeminded individuals, whether you're an Austen fan, with a closet fetish for anything with the words "Of The Dead" in it, or a Horror Aficionado hiding a secret romantic gooey center, check out Pride and Prejudice and Zombies - it truly is the best of both worlds!