Things To Be Thankful For

So, I lost my job today. I'd be lying if I said I didn't see it coming, though the time that I was allowed to view it as a pending possibility was very brief. Less than a week. There's a lot I could say about it, but frankly, it's still pretty fresh in my mind so I think discretion and a mouth as tight lipped as a bad clam is the best bet. All I know is this, I have a lot to be thankful for, and I'd be denying the truth if I tried to act surprised.

Sometimes, when God moves, we can see the dust cloud looming on the horizon, moving towards us like the Tazmanian Devil in some Bugs Bunny cartoon, zigzagging all over the place. Kicking up dirt, it gets closer, and closer, and all the while it's still undiscernable till boom it's right on us and SURPRISE! But whatever. Hey, He did lead with a cloud and a pillar of fire, it's not inconceivable, right?

I think this situation was like that, just a lot more subtle. Things have been churning in my heart after a conversation with a friend over a month ago about my passion for youth ministry. He got me thinking and praying about whether or not I should pursue it more, even if I pshawed it at the time. Then this past weekend, I was allowed the amazing privilege of a weekend at the beach, to hear from and be in prayer with other youth ministry workers. During that time I was able to sit on some rocks, jeans rolled up and feet in the water, bible and journal in hand. As I stared out at the rhythym of crashing waves, I lifted up thanks to my Lord for all He's done in my life, including allowing me a great, well paying job that gives me the freedom to spend my free time in youth ministry. Was I jumping the gun? Or was He seeing me as too comfortable? Or is it just a coincidence? Or the natural consequence of a crappy economy and faulty empires? One of the things I'm questioning today is deeper than "will I have to work at McDonalds?" - it's my previous blind adherence to strict Calvinism (because well, I'm a Baptist, I thought it's what we do). But more on that later.

So, after an amazing weekend spent on the beach, surrounded by passionate, fun, dedicated lovers of God, I came home questioning (in a big way) where my life is going, but more importantly, where I wanted it to go. What am I doing with my life? That was the question I asked on my Facebook status yesterday. Someone commented, more to the point, "What is God doing with your life?" and then reminded me that He's doing all the work. "Make sure you're bendable. it helps with the pain. trust me ♥", she wrote. Ahh, B, my little prophetess friend, your words are so timely right now!

So, now recently thrust into the swarming masses of the recently unemployed, I can really sit back and say "God, You can do anything with my life right now." I'm soon to be out of a place to live, now out of a job, but completely wide open to whatever He wants to do. It's freaking humbling people! Humiliating versing humbling is gonna have to be another post for another time, but trust me, it feels a whole lotta both right now. Yet, I really do have a lot to be thankful for. I can actually go to the gym without waking up at 5:20 to do it. For a while at least. I can enjoy the springtime from something other than a windowless cubicle under flourescent lighting. I can go to playgroup and spend time with all my favorite kids. I can see God grow my faith, my trust and my dependance upon Him as I look for a job. I can come back to the rememberance that my life isn't 40 hours a week at a corporation, it's how open I can be to letting God use me in the lives of others around me, to show off His glory, goodness and love. It's being open to His great big, or great little, plan for my life, and revelling in the unexpectedness of it.

This afternoon, as I head to lunch with Josh (something else to be thankful for!) I feel like I'm standing on a cracked, parched desert floor. The Lord has just swept by me, in a cloud of dust, but I think I see Him turning around and coming back this way. He's never too far away. I hope that when He passes by again, I can just grab ahold and hang on tight. I have a feeling it's gonna be a wild ride.

A Change Of Perspective

Last night, after a really cathartic drive home, in which every window was down, I was scanning Hwy 100 for cops (already got one speeding ticket there), and where 93X was as loud as I dared to crank the limits on my poor little speakers (I do like me some Kings of Leon), I came home and collapsed on my favorite chair and cried my eyes out. I called up my friend M, who's more of a sister than a friend, and just cried, and bawled like a baby while she was at Target. In the midst of the sniveling, snotty tears, I got a tap on my shoulder and when I looked up, there peering around from behind the corner is my roommate's extended arm, beer at the end of it. I took it, thanked him & went back to crying.

I spent a good part of the night last night crying. Today, I still can't say why. There was just this anger that built up in me volcanically, at the realization that I can't, in my own power, make anything happen that God doesn't want to happen. And that, I think, hit me like a stone pillar to the gut.

I don't really care about the UCE that much.... romantically that is. I mean, I know deep down in my heart that I would never in a million years want to marry him. Why would I want to be that miserable? If I was miserable and felt alone and ignored when we were just hanging out together, why would I want to tie myself into that situation? And though he never gave me the honor of defining what I was to him, other than telling me how wonderful, and great, and beautiful and talented he thought I was (empty words really), in my heart I guess I knew he never really wanted to be with me, and I didn't want to be with him either. So, why then, did finding out he's in a relationship hurt that much? I know, know, know full well that he doesn't care about me!! So why have I even bothered to care about him?

Or was it really just pride? Anger? A lot of things other than a broken heart, that got to me last night? I really think that's what it was. My pride was wounded that someone that I thought should be an easy catch had moved on. I was so very angry because the Lord was once again showing me that His plan is not my plan, or desires, and really showing me the leaky faultiness of my plans and schemes. Here was my fallback plan (he was truly kind of a back of the burner Plan B), going all up in smoke, and the Lord was saying "You should never have had this plan to begin with. Embrace my plan for your life, and know that I am good". It was a lesson I've not been wanting to learn for a while.

But last night, as I sat on the front porch stoop at a friend's house, enjoying community, just being with other women who I love, and who are awesome and special, I realized that I have all I need right here. As M and I walked home and talked and processed she reminded me to be thankful for the way this door has closed, and with such finality. I've been asking the UCE to close this door for sometime, and his lack of respecting my wishes had finally wore me down into thinking he always had to be there in my life, in the background, "just as friends". Well no. This was God saying "you don't need this friend... you're moving on kiddo!" The Lord had done something extraordinarily good, something I couldn't do in my own power, and the hurt I had truly felt was His extraction of something bad out of my life.

This morning I woke up, yeah, still with the flu, but grateful, joyful and thankful that I no longer have to carry around with me the "what could've beens?" of his friendship. I'm done. Finito. Finale. Arriverderci amigo, you're in my life no more! I'm so happy and relieved. And though God's plan is still one I'm asking Him to conform my will to, one less obstacle in the way is a great place to start. And for those of you who might say I'm taking a harsh view towards someone, a person that God still loves and has a plan for, yeah, you might be right. But I trust in God to work in His life, apart from me. I've prayed for the UCE countless nights..... let God make him grow.

Anyways, without the joy of friendship and community and being able to be authentic with the people in my life, whether it's a roommate just wanting to watch a movie or three great women sitting on a porch last night, I don't think I would've seen this for myself for a long time. There's something to be said about driving fast, music loud, but the true blessing in all of last night's emo girl drama came from God using the people around me to cheer me up, offer me a beer and just chat for a while amongst some cloves. It really gave me a renewed perspective. And that brings me joy.