All The Smiles I Know*

Wherever we're coming from today, there are millions of reasons to be excited, to be joyful, and to smile. Here are all the smiles I know today (aka things to be thankful for/reasons to be joyful):

It's Palm Sunday people - let's shout Hosanna! Over 2000 years ago, my great and mighty King entered His city triumphantly, and the people turned and worshipped. A week later they brutally killed Him. (Not to worry, three days later He socked it to 'em and rose from the dead, conquering the grave.) Today, I smile knowing that He still reigns, in my heart and from His throne. I smile knowing that one day He will enter that city again, and all knees will bow before Him. He is so mighty, my beautiful King.

I know the best kids. Seriously I do. They fight invisible lions, search for buried treasure, are bunnies, and puppies and crimefighters and superheroes and princesses and fairy unicorns. And each one of them is just amazingly wonderfully unique and fantastic in their own way. They sing to the Lord, and talk of His great love with wide, awestruck eyes. They go out of their way fearlessly, to be open, and welcoming and loving. They live without the social hindrances that us adults impose on ourselves, to be cool, to hide our enthusiasm, to reign in our love. They'll shout their hellos from across a crowded room, and run up an aisle because they're excited about church. I can't express in words how my heart brims up and spills over with love for them, and pride at seeing who they are, and joy when I'm in their presence. All I can do is just smile, really really big and authentically and goofily. I have them to thank for that.

And if the little kids I know are great (and they are) how much more so the young adults I know? I'm continually amazed at how their godly character continues to reveal itself amidst hilarious senses of humor, slightly humbling intelligence and culture defying politeness. I have nothing but a giant "Pshaw" to those people out there who will say that they aren't extraordinary, much less good kids, because they make fart jokes or tease too sarcastically. Do we really fail to see that they truly are great, just the way they are? Or are we so dead set on believing they're not, because we don't expect them to be, based on our own staunch biases against their generation? People, let's not be so caught up in expecting them to be mediocre and undeserving of our respect or praise, that we actually fail to see that they defy those stereotypes completely! They deserve so much more from us, both in admiration and in continuing to challenge and push them to grow. To all their critics, whether parents or just other adults, I say back off! Because personally, I am crazy proud of them, honored to work alongside them, and excited to watch and see how God will continue to shape them into the adult servants of Himself that He has them poised to be. Life at the cusp, with their limitless potential, is exciting! Let's help them learn to greet it with a smile.

Sometimes the little things make me smile too. Listening to a friend crack himself up at his own jokes, getting a new book (Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter. YEESSSS!!!), bright sunshiney days, the fast approach of sundress weather, Holy Week, knowing Easter's right around the corner, singing my favorite hymns, sitting around just chatting with friends, laughing when they put their foot in their mouth and try to backpedal only to dig deeper, driving with the windows down, Sunday naps.....speaking of which, it's about time.

When I was a kid, we were pretty poor, and after my parent's divorced, my mom and I had to share a bedroom in a little one bedroom place. I remember laying in bed, the moon shining in through our curtainless windows, reflecting off my mom's bright, gleaming white teeth, and getting really annoyed. Who sleeps with a smile? I'd lean over to wake her up and tell her "Close your mouth. I can't sleep because your smile is too bright and it's keeping me up!" I'm sure that today, as I rush home to crawl in bed and get my Sunday nap in, lulled by the sound of birds chirping outside, I'll be a chip off the old block, smiling as I fall asleep. Even in a world that's overwhelming, with decisions and choices and responsibilities and fears, life is good. God is good. His blessings in my life are just another smile I know.





*P.S. Props to my awesome friend Micah for the blog post title inspiration.

The Love Project

So, as anyone within a ten foot radius of me in the last month well knows, I’m a huge advocate of asking God how much He loves me. I must sound like a little kid to Him, constantly asking Him “Do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me?”. “Hey, me again. Do you love me? Ok, just checking.” Ummm, insecure much?

Yeah, I totally am painfully insecure, and am not a person who realizes she’s loved easily. Even when people will tell me that, tangibly, to my face, as in the case of my amazing bestie K, I often think it’s more lip service, and something we say like “I’m American, therefore I’m Christian”, than the real thing. For instance, “I love you Trin” translates in my brain as “I put up with you, cuz we’re friends. And you’re just ok”. But what does it really mean to be loved, wildly loved by the Creator of this universe? That’s something I’m still discovering, through the beautiful relationship my Heavenly Father has cultivated with me.

I ask Him all the time to remind me He loves me. And sometimes it’s through pink sunrises and Newsboys songs that He answers me. Sometimes it’s through His word, like being reminded that “The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17 or something). Other times it’s an inescapable feeling of peace and being cradled in the palm of His great big hand, like one of those Anne Geddes pictures of tiny babies dressed up like vegetables and what not. Usually that happens as I’m falling asleep, and I have to tell you, there’s nothing better to fall asleep to. At all.

But this past weekend, a speaker at a retreat I was at shared something that at first I thought was totally cheesy, but has been on my mind to do today. I’m gonna call it “The Love Project” and I’m totally ripping it off from her.

Here’s the 411 on The Love Project. Every day I’m going to write a different post-it note to myself, with one way that God shows me how He loves me. This is great, because I just got a brand new pack of super-bright, Caribbean color-schemed, Super-Sticky Post-It notes. Thank you Jesus & 3M. They're the classic 3”x3” size too. I do get a little fanatical about my office supplies, I’m not gonna lie to you.

So, Thursday I did my first one. My first TLP note, and I dated it and in my heart, I said “God, what’s one way I know you love ME?” And I wrote down “Pink sunrises and the perfect Wreck from Potbelly”. Come on let’s face it, I’m not always the deepest.

But I know that for the next few months, or years or however long this goes, I will have plenty of fodder, plenty of stuff to write down. Here’s a few that come to mind, to get me started:

• Ummm, helloooo.... He died on the cross! Dur.
• He didn’t just stay there, but He rose again, and is making a place for us to be with Him forever.
• And I’m pretty sure it’s gonna rock.
• He Reigns by the Newsboys
• Pink Sunrises
• Jeremiah 31:3&4 “The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel. Again you will take up your tambourines and go out to dance with the joyful.”
• The smell of babies’ heads.
• Chloe, when she smiles at me. That baby has an amazing, light up the room smile.
• Every time Celia asks me to have another sleepover at my house.
• Ephesians 5:1-2 “Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”
• A hug from M – she really means it & holds on tight.
• Glee songs
• Romans 8. All of it.
• Falling asleep to tears as I know He holds me (see cradled in the palm of His hand reference above)
• Hearing from K that she’s still my best friend and biggest cheerleader
• The perfect Campfire Mocha, with lots of marshmallows.
• Knowing that He does not deal with me according to my transgressions, but has given me a huge heaping measure of grace and mercy, beyond what I could ever deserve, ask for or imagine. I am sooooo not punished like I need to be. Whew.
• Just stopping to think about it all. His love, that is.
• Going to the MIA.
• Art in general
• Colossians 3:12-15 “Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.”
• Just Haven’t Met You Yet by Michael Buble…. And the knowledge that if God has a husband for me, I just haven’t met him yet. Look, God supplies all my needs according to His riches in Jesus Christ, so if I really needed a husband, well by golly, I’d have one already. Till then, I’m not sweating it …. I just haven’t met him yet, or ever, but either way, good song, great God.
• Being called “kid” or “kiddo”
• When people guess my age, and they get it wrong, thinking I’m younger than I am. Ok, I’m vain, I know. But I can thank God for good aging genes, can’t I? There’s joy in being content with what God made you look like. Yeah, I want it to be better (skin care product freak, getting back to the Y!!), but I thank Him when I think of looking 5 or 6 years younger than I really am, and only having one grey hair.
• Defying Gravity, or for that matter, a good Aria.
• All Creatures of Our God & King.
• The way Caravaggio painted Christ.
• Laughing with T - well, really just when T laughs
• Shivers when I worship
• Tigers – and not the kind you find in your bathroom, but just the way they move and their soft orange slinkiness
• Snowflakes – the big, crystalline kind
• Loaded Potatoes – the girls, not the food
• Fireplace fires
• Finding money in the back pocket of my jeans.

There’s more y’all. Lots more. And maybe some of this is a stretch. I mean, Glee songs? But, the point is, there are just some things that bring me joy, and make me stop and thank God for them.

I know that He could have given us a world of grey nothingness. No beauty. No sunrises. No tigers. No snow days, No Caravaggio. No light, no bright, no music, nothing that was beautiful or awe inspiring, or even that just makes us smile. But our God is, among other things, indescribably beautiful. And He delights in making beauty and watching us enjoy it. He loves music, and joy, and smiles, and all good things. He has created a lot, and said it was all good. He gave us the ability to smell, to feel (touch), to taste, to hear, to see. I acknowledge that He’s got an amazing sense of humor, probably rocks out to the songs of the saints, and adores babies and puppies. How awesome is He?

And that makes me love Him – as Stephanie Smith sang, not for His wonders, but for who He is. I am crazy in love with a God that loves life that much. And you know what? I’m pretty sure He loves me too.

Creation Cries Out & So Do I

So, as promised before, I want to talk a bit about the book Velvet Elvis, which I completely devoured (and will now be rereading, highlighter in hand. Yes I’m a dork). The fact that I’m even reading this book is kind of a miracle in itself, as it was so highly talked up by friends who’ve read it, that I was ready to never give it a chance. And no, I’m not one bit a stubborn German! Add onto that fact that the first Rob Bell book I read “Jesus Wants To Save Christians: A Manifesto for the Church in Exile”, frankly, was a huge disappointment and you get what I mean.

Instead of being a stirring socio-political plea to the church for a new way of seeing and relating to the world around us, I thought “Jesus Wants to Save Christians” was a high-level version of the Gospel from beginning to end, complete with teary eyed altar calls. So, I was skeptical to read his other uber-popular tome for the closet-Emergent movement. I thought, if so many people are saying it’s this good, then it really must suck. Yes, always the optimist!

But being stuck in a van for 8+ hours/four days straight will iron out the most stubborn of my kinks, and by day three I was coming to the last chapter of Velvet Elvis, and surprisingly, I found I didn’t want it to end. There was so much I got out of that book! Including joy, as I mentioned before, as Bell talked about finding God’s glory in the things that bring us joy. He asked the question “What makes your soul soar?” and just hearing that question felt so freeing and liberating. To hear him acknowledge the reality that God delights in our delight made my own soul feel like someone had reaffirmed something I’d known for a long time, but could never express. It was the elation at finding someone who shares a secret with you, and in that moment I only wanted to dig in more. I am trying to describe how much that one sentence moved me, and failing miserably. Let’s just say I’ve been asking myself that, “Trinette, what makes your soul soar?” for days now.

For the first time in a long time I remembered that God is calling me to have utter and pure joy in the things that He has created and placed around me, creation included. Sunday, it hit me once again, as I worshipped at Hope and they belted out (literally) the words to “Make A Joyful Noise/I Will Not Be Silent”. How many times had I sung that song at that church? How many times had those words passed over my lips, and all I got out of it was that it was a pretty song, about God’s pretty creation? But the words Bell had spoken came back to me at that moment, as my soul soared and I sang along to the floor shaking, bass driven, amazingly loud and passionate worship. Words that were nothing new reawakened in me something I must have known deep down, but never processed or “got” before. This isn’t singing about just the beauty of “bare feet on beaches white”, but is truly singing out to the Lord acknowledging the need for the redemption of all creation. Because, as Tim put it, if we didn’t sing it out, the rocks would, and no rocks were gonna cry out on our shift. Amen and preach it brother Tim! (BTW – I couldn’t figure out what brought me more joy yesterday, visiting their worship service – listening to Danny play, or the look on Tim’s face as Danny played. I think it was a bit of both. God has indeed created us for joy and his face reflected my heart that morning.)

And this eye-opening conviction about God’s creation crying out for redemption came on the heels of one of the most amazing trips of my last few years.

Ok, before I even get to it, can I just say that I am thoroughly convinced that I have a pulsing, throbbing, aching case of Wanderlust. If I could spend my days on the road driving, windows down, breeze blowing, visiting places I’ve never been before, marveling in the beauty and awesome magnificence of the American landscape and creation around me, well, I’d pack my bags now, for a nomadic lifestyle and never come home. More than anything else the last few years have seen and heard me begging to take a road trip to Jackson Hole, WY. And if I ever get a boyfriend (I just snorted iced tea through my nose at that hilarious thought), flowers and candy and sweet affectionate words won’t mean as much as the sentence “Honey, pack your bag, we’re driving to Wyoming this weekend” on a Friday afternoon.

Anyway, the Colorado Trip gave me the undeserved opportunity to worship God amidst a part of Colorado I’d never seen before, in all it’s rugged, mountainous glory and beauty. Purple mountains majesty, above the fruited plains indeed. And while marveling in the joy that God’s pine tree dotted, A River Runs Through It nature brought me, I stumbled across this quote, as one of our guides for the week directed us in a moment of appreciation for our surroundings:

“A child kicks its legs rhythmically through excess, not absence, of life.
Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and
free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, "Do it again"; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough... It is possible that God says every morning, "Do it again," to the sun; and every evening, "Do it again," to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike: it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we.” – GK Chesterton

Today, as I sit stuck in this office, because legions of Vikings fans outside our building have made it impossible to get through the street that would take me to the library and lunch, I am impacted by how little most of us get to experience the joy in creation that was so lovingly and thoughtfully placed around us. For our joy, and His glory. I'm glad I had that opportunity many times in the recent months, and specifically with a group of squirrely young people lately.

My wanderlust today has not as much to do with the fact that I’m bored and frustrated in certain things, as much as my soul is crying out to soar in a setting full of silently crying out rocks and trees and rivers. Redeem it oh Lord, oh soon will You redeem it?

Why I'll Never Be A Good Christian Girl, And It's Prolly Not Why You Think.

So, if you’ve been keeping up here lately, you’ll know that I’m on this Joy kick. It all started a few weeks ago, on the Bike 2 Camp trip, when a good friend (ok, R for Roommate) was struggling with some interpersonal conflict with another person/group of people, and I was processing with him about not letting turd-like-people rob you of the chance to experience joy in your surroundings or your service. The whole “robbed of joy” cliché has been so overused in the Christian community, and yet as I said it to him, I realized I hardly had an idea of what it meant. I felt bad for even using it, at the time.

So, I started processing a lot about joy, and a few posts and weeks later there you have it.
In all this processing, one of the things that happened was that an insatiable urge to read and devour books about this Christian walk surfaced in a way that was unexpected and unprecedented for me. Usually I try to avoid a lot of the “Christian literature” out there, for the fact that I just get frustrated by all the ignorant hype, the fact that marketing to a solely Christian audience feels more like selling crappy animals in the temple, and how eager the Christian community is to pass off anything Jesus-related as a life-altering necessity, when in fact a lot of it is just repetitive, small-scope, Americanized bunko. Three books you definintely will not find on my bookshelf are The Purpose Driven Life, The Prayer of Jabez, and The Shack. Urgh.

And while I may be throwing out the baby with the bathwater, my temper boils whenever I walk into a Northwestern Bookstore and see aisles of cheesy sloganed tee shirts, clichéd fridge magnets and even Christian breathmints (because you know, they must use Holy Water in making them or something, as if Orbitz is just too risqué with their lewd and provactive commercials). To even mention the fact that most of the women in there look like they just stepped out of a circa 1974 Sears catalog & should be driving a 15 passenger van full of their Quiver-full homeschooled brood, instead of normal, respectable, moderately fashionable people, would be besides the point, and only make me look like a GAP (*gasp of shock*) snob. Does that make me, somehow, not a Good Christian Girl? Oh well.

But despite my personal opinions (and that’s all they are) about modern Christian lit and culture, and “exclusive to the saved” bookstores, I picked up a few books from the library before my recent trip, and within days had polished them both off. The first one, “Save Me From Myself: How I Found God, Quit Korn, Kicked Drugs & Lived To Tell My Story”, by Brian “Head” Welch was a pretty easy read, as ¾ of it was the author telling of the depravity of his life in the rock & roll scene, before he started following Jesus. The last ¼ of the book was filled with a sweetness that one senses in a child, starting wide eyed in wonder at a field of flowers all around him. That’s the sense I got as Head talked about the love he has for his Savior and Friend, Jesus, and the appreciation in his heart as someone who truly has been “saved”. It was not the intellectual think tank proposal of the year, but a good read nonetheless.

The next book I read was “The Myth of Christian Religion” by Greg Boyd. This was a great glimpse into the work of Boyd, who I’ve been curious about for quite a while. And while there were parts of this call to rebellion against anything incompatable with the way of following Jesus that felt more liberal than what I expected, it wasn’t anything that played out for it’s own sake. Rather, it was a completely valid argument to embrace a practical view on practicing the presence of God, which sounds more cliché than it was in the book. Anyway, more on that to come, and not because there wasn’t much to discuss in this passionate plea to the church but because the one book out of the four I’ve finished in the last fortnight that I really wanted to get into and yet was most skeptical about was Velvet Elvis, by Rob Bell.

And though I’d love to begin a review of Velvet Elvis right here and now, I found that I had so much to say about it, and went off on so many bunny trails because of all the subjects that it brought to the forefront of my mind, that I had to split my review of it into two additional blog posts. They follow ….. wait for it …. NOW!

TBT's - Three Things That Bring Me Joy

haven’t done these in a while, TBT’s. Right now, here are ten things that are bringing me joy this week:

My best friend in the whole wide world, the one person who’s seen me at my worst stages of life, and loves me despite the ugliness, and encourages me, and is my biggest cheerleader, and who speaks truth into my life like no one else can, and who I actually listen to, Kari, is coming into town this weekend, and I have the great privilege of making her dinner at my place. Seriously, folks, to say that I don’t develop deep relationships easily (cough, cough, AT ALL) would be the biggest understatement of this blog. Kari is probably my longest, deepest friendship, and is living proof that I can do it - I can maintain a real, long-lasting friendship and not scare people away!

Could this weather be any nicer? I’m so working in my garden and getting those flowers planted tonight!! And I’m so going for a drive at lunch, for no other reason than to get outside! Speaking of my garden, I walked outside this morning to go to work, and a little bunny scampered away from my garden. So, I looked over, to my vegetable bed, to see what he had wrecked havoc on, and there, crouched all Thumper style, was his partner in crime, Other Bunny, sitting in my veggie patch, with, get this, sugar snap peas still hanging out of his mouth. Really Mr. Bunny? I was very upset. Even at the cute little fuzzy bunny. I told him so, too. Anyone listening would’ve thought I was nutso, but it came out like this “Mister Bunny! What are you doing in my garden?? You rotten little bunny, you’re eating my peas aren’t you? Oooh, Mister Bunny, you are in BIG trouble!” and then I shooed him off with the BCBG platform wedge that was dangling from my hand, because I hadn’t put on my shoes yet.

I got the chance to be at camp this weekend. Camp, which you’ll read in a forthcoming post, I promise, was amazing, and I didn’t want to leave, it was that wonderful of an experience. So, since I did have to leave, I made sure that I signed up to come back soon, and so, this brings me joy – I’ll be spending a week down at camp in June, working with the Senior High campers!! According to Debbie, the camp chef, I’ll be working with the kids to do an exercise very similar to Iron Chef, where they are given a secret ingredient (or ingredients) and then have to make something out of it. I’m so very excited – I get to go back to camp!

And, when I was down at this weekend, I had time to spend with two amazing people, E & S, my fabulous part time roommates. We had car lessons, and not just any car lessons, mind you, but I taught them how to drive stick. I got to teach them to drive stick!! Years from now, they’ll look back and say that they learned to drive stick from none other than me. I made a significant impact for good in their lives!! That was probably the highlight of my time down there. The four of us in the car (Ok, Josiah was in the backseat, machine-gun-giggling), laughing, screaming, praying for our lives, laughing some more. Me, trying the hardest I ever have, to display patience and grace and more patience, as I taught them and sadly recalling my own mother trying to teach me years ago, and scaring the bejeezus out of me with her mean, discouraging yelling, and then doing just the opposite for these two, even as S almost ran us up an embankment in front of Dave’s house.

Today, those are just three of the things that bring me joy. Enjoy!

A Change Of Perspective

Last night, after a really cathartic drive home, in which every window was down, I was scanning Hwy 100 for cops (already got one speeding ticket there), and where 93X was as loud as I dared to crank the limits on my poor little speakers (I do like me some Kings of Leon), I came home and collapsed on my favorite chair and cried my eyes out. I called up my friend M, who's more of a sister than a friend, and just cried, and bawled like a baby while she was at Target. In the midst of the sniveling, snotty tears, I got a tap on my shoulder and when I looked up, there peering around from behind the corner is my roommate's extended arm, beer at the end of it. I took it, thanked him & went back to crying.

I spent a good part of the night last night crying. Today, I still can't say why. There was just this anger that built up in me volcanically, at the realization that I can't, in my own power, make anything happen that God doesn't want to happen. And that, I think, hit me like a stone pillar to the gut.

I don't really care about the UCE that much.... romantically that is. I mean, I know deep down in my heart that I would never in a million years want to marry him. Why would I want to be that miserable? If I was miserable and felt alone and ignored when we were just hanging out together, why would I want to tie myself into that situation? And though he never gave me the honor of defining what I was to him, other than telling me how wonderful, and great, and beautiful and talented he thought I was (empty words really), in my heart I guess I knew he never really wanted to be with me, and I didn't want to be with him either. So, why then, did finding out he's in a relationship hurt that much? I know, know, know full well that he doesn't care about me!! So why have I even bothered to care about him?

Or was it really just pride? Anger? A lot of things other than a broken heart, that got to me last night? I really think that's what it was. My pride was wounded that someone that I thought should be an easy catch had moved on. I was so very angry because the Lord was once again showing me that His plan is not my plan, or desires, and really showing me the leaky faultiness of my plans and schemes. Here was my fallback plan (he was truly kind of a back of the burner Plan B), going all up in smoke, and the Lord was saying "You should never have had this plan to begin with. Embrace my plan for your life, and know that I am good". It was a lesson I've not been wanting to learn for a while.

But last night, as I sat on the front porch stoop at a friend's house, enjoying community, just being with other women who I love, and who are awesome and special, I realized that I have all I need right here. As M and I walked home and talked and processed she reminded me to be thankful for the way this door has closed, and with such finality. I've been asking the UCE to close this door for sometime, and his lack of respecting my wishes had finally wore me down into thinking he always had to be there in my life, in the background, "just as friends". Well no. This was God saying "you don't need this friend... you're moving on kiddo!" The Lord had done something extraordinarily good, something I couldn't do in my own power, and the hurt I had truly felt was His extraction of something bad out of my life.

This morning I woke up, yeah, still with the flu, but grateful, joyful and thankful that I no longer have to carry around with me the "what could've beens?" of his friendship. I'm done. Finito. Finale. Arriverderci amigo, you're in my life no more! I'm so happy and relieved. And though God's plan is still one I'm asking Him to conform my will to, one less obstacle in the way is a great place to start. And for those of you who might say I'm taking a harsh view towards someone, a person that God still loves and has a plan for, yeah, you might be right. But I trust in God to work in His life, apart from me. I've prayed for the UCE countless nights..... let God make him grow.

Anyways, without the joy of friendship and community and being able to be authentic with the people in my life, whether it's a roommate just wanting to watch a movie or three great women sitting on a porch last night, I don't think I would've seen this for myself for a long time. There's something to be said about driving fast, music loud, but the true blessing in all of last night's emo girl drama came from God using the people around me to cheer me up, offer me a beer and just chat for a while amongst some cloves. It really gave me a renewed perspective. And that brings me joy.