Random Randomness

Hey it's me. Yeah, me. I just wanted to say that, and don't know why. Actually I do - I have so many things on my mind right now that I couldn't come up with a good intro, and I figured "hey it's me" is as good as any.


I bought a new journal last night. After years of hating journaling (an intense hatred too, the kind where I just refused to do it), I am for the first time in my life actually enjoying it. Having cute journals and nice Sharpie pens helps. It does, really. So last night, after dinner and an ice cream cone (mmmm, Sebastian Joes) with Josh, I dragged him into Patina, where I bought a new journal. I thought he would hate it, but he didn't. We might need to go back.


I wish I would have had said journal with me this week at camp, because there were so many blog post inspirational thoughts floating around in my mind, as I worked my little tail off. I know I had at least three, but only one of them comes back to me right now. I'll have to pray for memory on the other two. And make sure I write them down in my lovely new journal.


Also while at camp this week I took up a new hobby. Well I didn't take it up WHILE at camp, but in anticipation of being at camp this summer, and also while in Lansing, I took up..... wait for it...... Quilting!!! I. Am. SOOOO. Excited!! I can't even begin to tell y'all how excited I am. I bought a pattern that looks ridiculously easy, incorporates a ton of fusing so I don't have to stitch as much as I iron (a househole chore I'm ridiculously good at, and love), and is the perfect size for babies. Because, really, if I'm going to be making quilts, I want to make them for all the kids and babies I love. I don't need a quilt, and don't think I'd have the patience for making full size ones. But I would love to give them to the awesome kids in my life. So I bought some beautiful brown & pink fabrics (for a little girl) and blue/green/purple fabrics (for a little boy) for my very first ones, and I am ready to go.


I have perfect motivation to start it too - I can't begin, literally or figuratively, till I'm done packing. Because A.) I don't have a place to set up, B.) I'm hoping Peggy will let me use her sewing machine and C.) I need to find all my sewing supplies and get them packed up & moved before I can start anything. Oh, and there's the fact that I have a wicked amount of work ahead of me today and tomorrow morning. But, if all goes well and my first one is a success, then I have a whole summer in the middle of nowhere to perfect my craft. I. Am. STOKED!!!!! Seriously.


Speaking of summer plans - I still can't say for sure what I'm doing. I know what I want to be doing. I know what I think I'll be doing. But I am waiting for the people I'd be doing it for/with, to let me know for sure that this is what's happening. And unlike last week, where I was stressing out about it, I'm at a lot more peace about my summer plans.


Being at camp this week helped that a lot, as I went from questioning and doubting that I could "be away and be ok", to enjoying the time away from city lights, noise, constant social networking, and everyone I know. Instead of fighting God, as He tries to get me alone and get my attention, I began to be at peace with it, and desire it more and more. The wanderlust in me began to churn up, as I made the drive on Hwy 9, through rolling valleys of patchworked green. At one point, I wondered if I could just take the change in my pocket, and keep on driving, and end up somewhere that no one knew me, and just start over again. Anonymous and alone. To say that my fight or flight instinct is flight, well, that's an understatement.


But running away for good isn't the answer, and I know that. All running does is drag my broken heart along with me. Instead, one night as I was sitting out on J&A's deck, a campfire next to me, crickets and frogs and God knows what else singing in the background, staring off at the fields of green and the sky carpeted with stars, I knew that being out in the middle of Iowa for the summer was the thing I desired most in my life. To be in a spot where God can get me alone - where He can take me into that desert place to speak love to me. To let Him pour into me, and then in turn to pour all my time and energy into youth ministry. To bring Christ to kids in communities so small that they can't see past the same green fields and starry sky. To help them meet Him, and then to walk with them as they get to know Him more. And let's face it, to not have to see a certain face or hear the same booming laugh twelve times a week. In a big way, I know now that the best thing I can do is get out of Dodge for a while. My heart needs it. My relationship with the Lord needs it. I want it. So I really, really hope it happens.


And I plan on taking a few more journals with me, so maybe another Sebastian Joe's/Patina trip is in order. There is the prospect of quilting in my downtime, that is if I turn out to be any good at it. Even so, I know that pouring out in words all that God does in my life this summer is going to be something I won't want to neglect. Something deep inside tells me that there'll be plenty to write about, and that it's gonna be pretty good.

Drowing In A Sea Of Noise

I'm overwhelmed. Really, really overwhelmed right now. And that totally scares me. What scares me more than the feeling is my own reaction. My natural instinct in situations like these is to shut down. True story.

I'm the kind of person that when the picture gets too big to look at and gain full scope of, I curl up into a ball and become completely paralyzed. When there's too many choices, too much advice, too many things that need to be done, I don't know where to start and so I assume the fetal position and do nothing at all. I pray that I can just wait it out with as little damage as possible, like a turtle retreating into her shell.

Recently, I was praying over a course of action in a friendship that I really value. Do I say something to this friend about where I'm coming from, or just shut my mouth and hope for the best? From left and right, above and below, really from every direction, advice was being thrown at me as to what to do. Even if the number of people that were inputting their thoughs and recommendations for my situation was limited, the repetition and persistance of their advice was like an out of tune band, warming up, each instrument seperately, echoing in a vast auditorium. Just a cacophany of indiscernable noise drowning out my own thoughts as it overwhelmed my ears & brain. It finally got to the point that I just had to say "Stop. Be quiet. Let me think, and decide how to do this on my own." The fact that I said anything at all was truly indicative of how much the noise was overwhelming me, because that kind of confrontation is so contrary to my passive nature.

Eventually I was able to let the noise around me fade away, and hear from the Lord. His still, small voice was reminding me to do all things in humility, honoring my friend before myself, and to seek Him first because He's truly the lover of my soul. It wasn't till I got everyone else to shut up that I could hear what He was telling my heart all along. And as I heard from Him, I realized that His advice was nowhere near the advice anyone else was giving me. In His advice, I, for the first time in the situation, had peace which gave me courage to move forward.

The noise was gone. His voice whispered to my heart, and I could breathe once again - breath that gave me life, and the ability to do what I needed to do.

Right now, that's all I want! As I'm feeling that onslaught of noise once again, this time about my career, and job search, my heart is retreating to fear and confusion as it's natural reaction and armour. But neither fear or confusion are bound up in perfect love - the love that my God has poured into me. But sadly, overwhelmed beyond measure by decisions and advice, is how I'm feeling again, as I contemplate the next few months/weeks/days ahead of me as a newly jobless/homeless person.

Really, how the hell did I end up here?

I know things will work out ok, I really do. I'm not failing to trust in God to meet all my needs, and provide for me out of His goodness and mercy. What I am scared of is how broken, vulnerable and humbled He might have to make me in the process. As well as the fact that I am just overwhelmed with all the steps I need to take to get something going in my life - a job, a home, a plan, a ministry, etc.

I'm a pretty open, authentic person. So as I blog today, because I know have the newly acquired time, I'm just laying this out there. I'm totally overwhelmed and feel like I am just bobbing in a sea of choices and actions that need to be taken. I really could use a Life Jacket, God. Can you just throw me a line? Thanks, that would be great. Oh yeah, and if You could just attach Your plan at the end of it, that would be great too. Thanks, your slightly overwhelmed, moderately fearful, pretty much an open book daughter. T.

So I Did It!!!

So I did it. I got up there and spoke last weekend. For those of you just tuning in, to my life not as much as my blog, I mean at Village Creek Bible Camp (shout out to EYE-OH-WAAHHH!!), and at the All Girls Retreat.

In retrospect, what was the big deal anyways? Well, really, I think my nervousness was more about what God was doing in my own life, with desiring vulnerability and authenticity from me than a fear to speak publicly. Add to that the fact that I’ve been, for years now but also more recently, hiding my fears and perceived weaknesses about who I am as a woman, behind sarcasm and “being cool” and I think that He is working in me to break these walls down before I even got up to speak. As He began revealing these areas of desired submission and surrender to me in the last few weeks I realized it was more growth with and through Him that I was nervous about, than a bunch of spazzy junior high girls who didn’t get ONE of my jokes or pop culture references. Man I felt old.


But, it went well, I suppose. I had the much valued support of K, R, T & M in the audience, and their great big smiles kept me going, as a visual reminder of how my Father was smiling down too. Most of all I just wanted to share the fact that He has a Love Story with all of us, with me, with you, with these girls.

As a basis for some of what I shared, I used the love story between God and Israel as exemplified by Gomer and Hosea. Oh Gomer, you crazy ho! Yet, how much are any of us more faithful than she was? And because God is good, I knew later on in the weekend that He was desiring this story to be told, when one of the other speakers for Sunday began speaking out of the same book. Granted she prefaced it with tons of comments like “Nobody EVER speaks or preaches out of Hosea”, and “I know you guys NEVER hear from the book of Hosea, so this must be new to you, but … “ It was all I could do to not laugh and think “Oh sweetheart, if you had been there, not even 12 hours ago, you would have heard the exact same verses, and been able to see God’s goodness, as He speaks the same message through two totally different people”.

But my quiet snickers and chuckles must have said plenty, because before I knew it, H was kicking my chair and keeping me in line. All I could think was “Good thing Matt’s not here”. Yeah, I may be asking God to work in my life, but getting off my sarcastic, too cool for school high horse is going to be a project for months to come.

Anyways, I digress. Getting back to Hosea and Gomer. In the few days since I’ve come home from camp, I’ve been asking the Lord to make my personal relationship with Him more real in my life than it’s ever been. My big fear is that I will use this relationship with Him as a source of inspiration to draw from in ministry, or He would be the One I go to when I need something to pull out of my hat or to get the things in life that I want. Instead, I want to fall more and more in love with Him daily, and love Him as I would my dearest and bestest friend, even more than a husband or lover. Today, as I was praying that, and asking Him to remind me to love Him more, this song came on, this song that I love, and that sometimes says it all. Man, God’s timing is perfect!

Of Minor Prophets & Their Prostitute Wives
by Pedro The Lion

All the time you were burning my letters
you were only acting the part
You think without me you'll get on much better
but you don’t even know your own heart

Come home, darling
Come home quickly
Come home, darling
All is forgiven, so come home quickly

I treated you as if you were a princess
you treated me like a cop
I gave you boundaries to save you from certain death
dangling from the end of the rope

Come home, darling
Come home quickly
Come home, darling
All is forgiven, so come home quickly

But your still playing for a love
you'll never find outside of these arms of mine
The whole town is one step behind you
with the hang man on call
They've got the judge and you're convicted without a plea
Darling, they will listen to me
Darling, they will listen to me
Darling, they will listen to me

The fact is, we serve an amazing, awesome God y’all. And His heart is solely focused on our continued, deep relationship with Him, as the foremost most important aspect of our lives. We’ve all walked away from His love, even as Christians, seeking other gods, other loves. But there is nothing He will not do in us to bring us back to Him, in the desert, where He can speak love and tenderness to us.

Looking back at the last few months, and of course hindsight is 20/20, I can clearly see how He’s been moving and pushing me further towards righteousness, growth and personal relationship with Him. Oh, not to mention, once again, that awful, icky V word – vulnerability, but I think that’s another post for another day.

I can see for sure that He really isn’t going to let me get away with not being the woman He’s calling me to be. I’m grateful for His faithfulness. And I trust Him. Implicitly. So, since this is Your desire, God, I guess all I can say is “Bring it on”. You say “Darling they will listen to me”, but I am saying “Father, I will listen to You.”

Bright Shiny Objects

I think I'm a slave to bright, shiny objects. Not the real, glittery bird distracted by the sunlight off a piece of foil kind kind of things. But that's what I call the all the little things that are grabbing my attention from God at rapid gun-fire like pace these days. Those things that are sooooo effective at taking away my attention from the one true thing I'm trying to drill into my thick skull lately, and that is just how much He really loves me. Really, really loves me a lot. And how I'm called to act in light of that amazing, undeserved love.

There's not many, but man are there enough. Glee on dvd, sleep, a big crush, trying to learn my new job at work, the overwhelming desire to peruse the sales rack at the Gap. Oh, the Gap, with their trixy little "Take up to 70% Off" sign that lingers out front, beckoning with it's subtle font and understated lettering. Curse you Gap - you get too much of me to begin with. But no matter how minute and trite, or how meaningful any of these things are (Who am I kidding? With the exception of work and the crush, they're all a bit shallow.), they all seem to grab my focus and attention with a strength and powerful vice-like grip that only lots of prayer can break.

I'm speaking at an All-Girls retreat this weekend, and probably by the time this posts all my friends are going to be sick and tired of hearing that I'm nervous about it. A good friend reminded me last night that I have nothing to be nervous about, but little does he know. Oh little does he know. I plan on sharing my testimony there - the full waterworks of what God has done in my life and how out of His great, big, tremendous love He has redeemed me out of a past filled with abusive parents (crrraaaazy abusive parents), years spent chasing affection and attention from guys in most unnaceptable ways, and the belief system that true acceptance came from what I did or looked like or acted like when I thought people were watcing. It's a sad, messy story, and I'm about to share it with young women and staff members who I admire and respect, and who frankly, I don't really feel like being vulnerable and honest in front of. And I'm going to do this while trying to convey the beautiful message of how much our Lord really loves them, and calls them Daughter and Bride, even when it's a message it takes every ounce of my own energy to hear and comprehend. The neat thing is - the truth must be said, for if I didn't rocks would cry out His love.

Sadly, as I'm prepping for this weekend though, whether reading or writing, all I can I keep thinking is - if I get up there and tell this story, I better make sure I at least look good, so I better hit up the Gap this week and see if I can find something cute to wear, like those new skinny jeans or new boots, so they don't think I'm a total loser and not hear a word I'm saying because the sweater I'm wearing has pill balls under the arms or my recently outgrown jeans are too baggy and have grandma butt. Oh, and while I'm at it, how about another episode of Glee, to help me relax and laugh as I try and unwind after my hectic, stressful day at work. Yummmm, Caribou. Yeah, that.

URGH!! I'm telling y'all, bright shiny objects. These are not necessarily bad things, but these are the things that are keeping me from spending even more time with the Lord, and getting the full weight and gravity of what He is doing, and wants to speak to me. I love hearing His voice, that still small whisper. That unmistakable whisper that speaks to my heart with wisdom, comfort and power. If I could just throw all the bright shiny objects to the bottom of the sea, I'm sure then I could hear that voice much louder. But who am I kidding?

Because through it all, despite the ways that even today I have messed up, and been distracted, and walked away from the soft whisper of God's loving voice, I know in my heart, and in my head, and with the full confidence to share, that Christ's love for us is so vast, and deep that oceans of oceans of oceans couldn't hold it. The heavens themselves, full of stars and mysteries, cannot contain it. And my measly little distracted, girly mind cannot comprehend it, truly, ever. I can't throw away all my bright shiny objects. They'd just reappear like some scene out of Groundhogs Day. Some of them I would never want to throw away either - I like my job and that guy I have a crush on. But I can just ask God to turn my attention from those things that compete for my eye and focus it instead upon Himself, waiting there, patiently, silently, ready to whisper, ready to speak, ready to love.

If whispers looked like vapors, or fogggy air breathed on a cold winter's night, I'm pretty sure that God's whisper-like voice would sparkle like diamonds and snowflakes on silvery clouds of light. And for now, that is one bright, shiny object I want to sit and stare at all day long. Oooh, look .....

Back In Black... Or Something Like That.

It’s been a long time, and I feel I must apologize. I’ve been “out of the loop” with writing here lately, and it’s nothing that I’ve done, or you’ve done, as much as just some logistical crap, which God is finally bringing me past. But I’m back, and I’m committed to turning over a new leaf with a few things in 2010, and blogging is definitely one of them.

If it helps to know, at all, I have a huge fear of vulnerability. And blogging here lately has been a source of vulnerability in my life. I’m pretty sure the world would be shocked to know that despite how headstrong, independent, and confident I may ever come across, deep down past all the facades, I’m surprisingly vulnerable and timid, almost to the point where it can be paralyzing. I keep telling y’all, I really am shy!

Vulnerability is defined as “capable of susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon, moral attack, criticism or assault”. I’d go so far as replacing “capable of” with “fear of” – or at least that’s how I’d define it in my own life. In the case of blogging, I have been fearful of criticism, or even repercussions, but more pointedly, of just letting myself, my innermost thoughts and my feelings be known to someone who I decisively did not trust and believed was out to hurt me. Someone who I found out was reading my blog. The whole wide world can read this blog, since it’s out there in cyberspace for all to see, but the moment I found out this person was, I withdrew like a turtle on a hot Florida highway, into my shell, hiding from danger and real life.

But even the most timid of turtles must come out sometime, or risk being run over by a big semi-truck, carrying genetically modified citrus fruit to a state where none can grow so that by the time it gets there it’s lost all nutritional value…. Or wait, analogy gone too far!

What I’m trying to say is this – God is doing too much in my life for me to be timid about people who might want to hurt me. He is my great Protector, and though I must always exercise good judgment and caution, and discernment in the decisions I make, I cannot keep silent about who He is or what He’s doing, and more than anything lately, I really want to be blogging about what He’s doing in my life. So there, deal with it. Ugh!

That, and I really just miss writing. It’s cathartic. It’s therapeutic. It’s part of who I am, and how I express myself, and the woman I want to be. A writer. A really, really good writer. We’ll see. At least this is a good start. You're welcome.

Bruises

Sometime in the last week I've done something very bad to my shoulder, both my pinkies, two spots on my left arm and one on my left thigh. Soreness and bruises have resulted. Did I just get beat up last night, and forgot it somehow? Those Taco Tuesday's, you know they can get a little out of hand.

At least my ego remains intact, as usually that's the first to show signs of wear & tear, when it comes to me. I have learned all too well to live life humbled and laughing at myself. I'm ok with it, but I'm sure it must rob me of some minor form of dignity and gracefulness.

I'm not a graceful person, in the physical sense, to say the least. If there is food to be spilled, it's on my clothes, something to be knocked over, it's at my feet, as are my glasses now as well. And oops, did I just kick them across the room? That's just me. Some women, and men too, for that matter, were born with a swanlike gracefulness. Me? Well, let's just say I'm more Lucille Ball than Audrey Hepburn.

I think I need my own comedy show. An odd mix of Jackass and Carol Burnett. Or close to. But can it be in New York please? I can't do a show in the Midwest - my family would never watch it.

If I had to pick a city I was made for, Los Angeles would not be it. Though this morning, after walking the dog, and feeding him, and trying to reason him out of unnecessary barking, I did mention to R for Roommate that I miss LA sometimes, when it's a great summer day out, and I remember that in my hometown, they were all great summer days.

Memories of LA have been flooding me recently, and I don't know if it's the weather - though I can't imagine it would be with this crappy rain (just kidding Mr. Weather, my garden needs it). I think part of it has been reconnecting with old friends, and what not. Yesterday, something monumental happened on facebook (wow, irony!). I requested an old friend, as my FBF (facebook friend) and she said yes.

Now, this may sound suprising, like "Why, wouldn't she?" but this is someone I haven't talked to in 13 years, and who turned her back on me, and our lifelong friendship, when I became a Christian. We had been best friends since I was 11, and her friendship was one of the hardest things for me to lose. Somehow, I always thought she'd stick by me - I thought we were friends through thick and thin, and that included religious differences.

For those of you that are not familiar with my testimony, or how I came to Christ, here's the Cliff Notes of it. I was born & raised a Jehovah's Witness, and was one till I turned 21. As a JW, I had no other friends than other JW's, since they are very adamant about only associating within their ranks. Everyone I knew, friends, family, boyfriends, were all JW's. The year I turned 21, I came to know the Lord (awesome story how, but for another time), and left being a Jehovah's Witness, to pursue my newfound faith. I lost every person I knew, with the exception of my mother, and a few family members.

Years later I look back on that time, of being pulled out of a cult, and stripped of all I used as my identity, my security, my life, and I thank God immensely. How good He was to save me, and my life has never been the same. But I miss those people sometimes, and I always, always missed A.

Yesterday, as I was on facebook, chatting with another old, mutual friend (someone who also left the JW cult, 5 years after I did), I saw A in her friend's section. Sheer boldness gripped me spontaneously and I sent her a friend request. Sometimes I can be a bit impetious, and I look back on my decision to leave the JW cult as impetious, but well grounded in God's grace and will and destined plan. I can only hope that trying to reestablish contact with her will be equally blessed. And today, when I saw that she accepted my friend request, a glimmer of hope sparked in my heart, that hopefully, this could be the beginning of a great friendship, once again. Wouldn't that be awesome?

Anyways, this is a lot of words to say so little something. I'm clumsy. I sometimes miss LA (the beach mostly), and I pray that God works in the hearts of my friends, from so long ago, to draw them to Himself, and back to friendship for me. Today, bruises abound on my body, but 13 years ago, when I lost my friends, it was my heart that was so damaged that it's taken this long to recover. No matter how much more damage I manage to incur, I rest secure in the knowledge that it's my God who heals me. Heart, mind, soul, shoulders, pinkies, arms & thighs. True Story.

Three Beautiful Things

So, there seems to be a theme, of gratitude, or expressing it to others, that I've noticed lately. I think it's sweet, if not a little overdone. But like an overdone steak, even when it's not so good, it's still pretty good. Or wait, is that pizza?

In any case, I was reminded of a tradition that some friends of mine have. Every night before they go to sleep, they tell each other two things they're grateful for, about one another. They're married by the way. It's kind of sweet, but it would be challenging. Living with someone day to day, amidst the monotony of married life, how would you think of something new every day? Your eyes would have to be wide open, and shielded by the grace of God (i.e. rose colored glasses) to value someone enough to find two things every day.

Thus says the cynical single girl!

Then I ran across this blog, Three Beautiful Things, and I saw that someone has made a habit out of doing this on a regular basis too. His tagline reads "Every day I want to record three things that have given me pleasure". And when he says every day, you can see that consistantly he blogs with TBT's - every day.

It made me think of Romans, in chapter 1, at the onset where Paul begins his argument for the wretched state of mankind. He leads into his diatribe about man turning his back on God by stating that they failed to give God thanks. He says "For although they knew God", they being mankind, as seen in verse 18, "they neither glorified him as God, nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened".

Really? Is ingratitude, a failure to thank God, the beginning of futility and foolishness? The Bible says it is, though in my American, overly entitled, self serving attitude it seems so unplausable. Reality baby, reality! It's the stepping stone to a foolish heart and a futile life. All it takes is a simple "Thank you God for ..." He gives us the antithesis to such a mistake, in Hebrews 12:28. In that verse God even throws in a freebie - "Since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe."

Wow. That's all I can say to that. Wow. So tonight, I want to be grateful. What am I thankful for? For TBT's. Three Beautiful Things.

1. Lessons learned about the wonderful Lord and the grace that I know He's going to have to patiently teach them to me over & over again.

2. A really comfy bed, and the possibility that it might rain by the time I fall asleep so I can lie in this really nice, fluffy bed, and listen to the sound of the raindrops tap-tap-tapping on the roof outside.

3. Great fellowship, with a small group that I love, and that loves me, and that loves the Lord and thanks Him together.

So now I ask this... what are your TBT's??

How He Touches My Heart - Part I of III

As I was pondering, the other day, all the ways that my God is good (having created daffodils is just one of them), I realized there are certain attributes of Him which I distinctly love and that bless my spirit, more so than others. Sometimes it is these attributes that are the hardest to comprehend or trust in, but they are, for that very fact, the characteristics that make me fall in love with Him most. The boggle my mind, and yet are the first ones I cling to.

So, I thought I'd post what they are, and the scriptures that prove them to be true, in part to remind myself, and in part to share with others how wonderful God the Father really is.

The first one, is that He is a God of comfort. He comforts me. And I really take that seriously. Here is how I know:

Psalm 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 71:21 You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

Psalm 119:50 My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.

Psalm 119:52 I remember your ancient laws, O Lord, and I find comfort in them.

Psalm 119:76 May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.

Isaiah 51:3 The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing.

Isaiah 57:18 I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him,

Isaiah 66:13 As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem."

Jeremiah 31:13 Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.

Zecariah 1:17 "Proclaim further: This is what the Lord Almighty says: 'My towns will again overflow with prosperity, and the Lord will again comfort Zion and choose Jerusalem.' "

2 Corinthians 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,

2 Corinthians 1:5 For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

Phillipians 2:1-2 If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.

What's The Truth?

Have you ever had someone in your life that some people may consider "toxic"? That's a phrase that our society throws around for anyone who is negative, overly emotional, or who displays behavior that is socially unacceptable. Well, what do you do with such people? The Emo's. The Self-Absorbed's? The MI's?

What if there was someone in your life that you truly loved, and wanted the best for - someone that you would stand by through hell or high water, thick or thin, and they were "toxic"? What then? How do you handle interacting with someone who you just can't win with, but who you know you need to keep giving to? How do you deal with that?

It seems to be a recurring theme today... A good friend of mine poured her heart out to me earlier because one of her coworkers just doesn't seem to get it. Whenever she tries to talk to this woman, about anything at all, the person is negative, short sighted and inwardly focused to the point of dramatizing her so-called troubles. It's driving my friend insane, and yet her questions to me today were along the lines of, how do I love on this person, and how do I minister to them?

You got me.

There is someone in my life that I dearly love, someone I would do anything for. But they just don't seem to understand boundaries, and are consistently overly dramatically emo. Nothing I do is ever good enough for this person, and when I get to the point where I've lost all patience with them (where I'm at right now), then my tense behavior seem to give them the fodder they need to break down into a cloud of emo-ness and one again remind me just how little I appreciate or support them. How little anyone appreciates or supports them (though I take this as directly relating to me, because why would it be pertinent if it were anyone else). No matter what I do, I will never be in the right with this person, because they're overly emotional and sensitive state will always find something to complain about it with me, life, situations.

I just got off the phone with this person, and all I can ask myself is "What's the truth?". What is the truth of this matter, because all I'm hearing is confusion. My heart says one thing, my head says another, and the whole while they're telling me something way different. Seriously it's like the minute the phone snaps closed, I can feel my head start to spin, and I don't know how to identify the truth. Am I wrong? Am I a bad person? Are they? Should I feel bad for them, or fed up with them? If I do, then again, am I a bad person?

I love this person. I pray for them and want God's absolute best for them. But, like anyone else in this world, I cannot carry their load. I can help them, in situations to carry a burden, here or there. I can point them in the direction of God, and remind them that the God who shed His blood for them will also care for them with all grace. But I cannot, hell, I will not be the one to strap them on my back and get them through the mire and the filth that this life has put in their way. I cannot do it. I'm not God. I can barely waddle through the mess myself, and that is solely by His grace. I wouldn't want to try to take His place even if I could rescue them. And that's a fact that this person just never seems to understand.

That, my friend, is the absolute truth. Life has handed us all a bunch of crap - it's the nature of the imperfect, fallen, unregenerate world we live in. All creation is groaning for it's redemption, and the day that the Lord will return to usher in newness and perfection. Till then, there is a lot of junk we must all deal with. The consequences of our sin, the consequences of someone else's sin, those we know and our first parents, Adam and Eve. There is very little good in this world, and yet, there is hope. Hope in our Father, who loves us, who will, and can carry us. Hope in the strength that His Holy Spirit alone can impart. The best hope of all, the promise of our Great Redeemer, Christ Jesus, who will usher us home and into the banquet He has prepared for us. God alone is the One who can help us, and who really, really, really help us. Not me, not you, no one else can be that good, that God.

This is all I know. Now how do I get it across to those who need it the most? How do I say all of this to someone I love. Maybe I can write it here. I love you, but I can't help you. I can't even help myself. I love you and I rejoice in the life God has given you, but only you can live that life. I need to live mine. I love you, and I know you're stretched, broken, hurt, angry, confused and sore. But when you pour out your emotions onto me, you make me stretched, hurt and confused too. I am sorry you're hurt, I really, really am. But I can't make it better.

I can only listen, and pray and tell you this - I love you. But when you tell me that your burdens are making it so hard and no one loves you, and no one supports you, and no one cares, etc, do you know what I hear? I hear "Trinette, you don't love me, you don't help me, you don't care for me or support me. And that makes you wrong and me right. That makes you a bad person". And that is not the truth.

I hope you find the truth. I hope I can hear it too.

Something Bigger Than Me

I must admit, I am a selfish being. As I am walking through a time of discipline, trials and pain, all I can focus on is me. I feel like I am in the midst of a forest, barefoot, stepping on thorns and bristles, tired, alone, hungry. Somewhere there is a light and I can discern the forest from the trees.

Even when I am taking these things to God, and praying, or in the Word, my mind comes back to all these little lies, about myself, and I lose focus on what's really big, and what, in my mind is just grandiose. I want to forget myself, and remember, again, that there is something so much bigger than me. The God who loves me. Please God, help me to see You more and me less!

Something that encouraged me in this challenge today, was the story of Anne Frank and her beautiful chestnut tree. Anne Frank was just a young girl, when her family was forced into hiding, from the Nazi's. She was still a young woman when she died of typhus in a concentration camp. Yet, her diary, and her life have inspired countless numbers of people, myself included. Her optimism, as seen through her poignant writings, is positively inspirational.

In her time spent hiding in a musty old attic, Anne drew inspiration and comfort from a chestnut tree that was just visible outside her window. It's presence gave her hope and solace, as she expressed when she said

"Nearly every morning I go to the attic to blow the stuffy air out of my lungs, from my favorite spot on the floor I look up at the blue sky and the bare chestnut tree, on whose branches little raindrops shine, appearing like silver, and at the seagulls and other birds as they glide on the wind. As long as this exists, I thought, and I may live to see it, this sunshine, the cloudless skies, while this lasts I cannot be unhappy"

Anne's father, Otto Frank, upon reading his daughter's diary (aren't dads not supposed to do that?? I guess we'll make an exception in this case) was greatly surprised to learn how much the tree meant to Anne. In 1968 he delivered a speech where he said

"How could I have suspected that it meant so much to Anne to see a patch of blue sky, to observe the gulls during their flight and how important the chestnut tree was to her, as I recall that she never took an interest in nature. But she longed for it during that time when she felt like a caged bird. She only found consolation in thinking about nature."

This tree, which is still standing today, is said to be the oldest in Amsterdam, at over 150 years old. It remains as a sign of hope and as a memoriam to Anne, but not for long. This beautiful horse-chestnut tree is slated to be chopped down soon. Despite the city of Amsterdam's best efforts, the tree cannot be saved from a terminal fungus and moth that is devastating it's leaves.

Anne Frank was blessed with a spirit and outlook much more positive and generous than what I have wallowed into lately. Her diary was not full of selfish thoughts about her losses, due to her circumstances. Nor was it full of lies about the whole world hating her and being out to ostracize her - for Anne that was a reality!

Here I am, immensely blessed with friends who love me, people who support me, and a ton of trees and lakes outside that I can readily walk or bike to, in the freedom of a country that has not forced me into hiding. Most of all, I know personally and can worship the Creator of all these beautiful things. He has loved me, and promised to protect my life from those who would seek to take it. This God, in whom I can implicitly trust and who offers me much more solace than the views of nature, it is He who reminds me:

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith" Matthew 6:26-30

I am not unlike Anne this morning. I am sitting here in the study I am blessed to have, looking out at the bare branches of a tree outside my window. As I see the bright blue sky, streaked with just a wisp of a cloud, I am marveling that Spring weather is finally here This brings me such great joy and exuberance. I would not fully appreciate the beauty of Spring, however, were it not for the darkness and cold of winter.

So, as I go through a dark and cold time in my life, I want to, I must take hope that Spring may arrive as well. I pray that the God of four seasons would not leave me in winter long, but do what work He needs to do in my life in this time, and then bring me to a place where I can grow, and shoot up, like a lily of the field.

In the meantime, I have added my very own leaf, to the interactive tree that honors Anne Frank, and her beloved chestnut tree. If you get a chance, I would encourage you to as well. It is the sounds from that site that I am enjoying listening to this morning, artificial as they might be. Birds, bells, and a slight breeze. Our God is good!

One last quote "I want to be useful or bring enjoyment to all people. And therefore I am so grateful to God, for giving me this gift of writing, of expressing all that is in me!" Anne Frank, March 25, 1944