Love Inspirations

As I sat down to write tonight, I almost started this post with "Everyone has a style inspiration" but then I remembered the woman at SuperTarget today with the much-too-tight brown polyester pants and the blue, long sleeved, knit polo that was just a tad too short, leaving her stretch-marked front/muffin top peeking out like a big glob of unbaked whole wheat bread dough.

Apparently, not EVERYONE has a style inspiration, much less any style to start with. Or taste, or class, but I digress.

As I finished painting my apartment yesterday/today, and have begun to move furniture in, I've been trying to determine what my "style" is, when it comes to decorating. According to my much coveted Domino Guide To Decorating book, I'm "laid back, glamorous, traditional but with a twist". Sounds about right. No matter what I am, I know that as I begin to create a warm, inviting home, where I can both entertain guests and retreat from the world, one thought is consistently going through my mind - WWHD? What Would H. Do?

H. for those not in the know, is a dear friend, and someone who's generosity, intelligence, and far-reaching love are as abounding as her sense of slightly bohemian, slightly urbane style. When I first met H, a few years back, I was quite intimidated by her - she's just that cool. But as I've become her friend, over time, I can now see that she is not the least bit scary, but on the contrary is hilarious, down to earth and sincere. Whenever I get to spend time with her, I'm always in awe of her; both in her home, her wardrobe, and her many, many talents. Seriously, the girl's got mad style.

And now, she's my total apartment style inspiration. Every time I ask myself Is this print too much? or Is this color pairing going to clash? I just think of her home, with it's bright chartreuse piano, and eclectic yet coordinating mix of fun pieces. I think WWHD? and then I take a more daring step, knowing that somehow it will all come together. So, this post, is a huge, grateful shout out to H..... without you, what would I do? Seriously, thank you!!


Another person who's been my style, and well frankly, life inspiration lately is C. C. and I went to college together, a million years ago, and even then she was intimidatingly cool and above the rest of the crowd with her devil-may-care attitude. I sometimes wonder if she even remembers me, though I admittedly online stalk her, through the two well written and fascinating blogs she pens. I'm not sure if it's because she lives in Oregon, where I sometimes really long to be, or if it's because of the amazing I'm hipster cool without even trying vibe she gives off, but there's just something so charming about C., that I long to channel and project. Did I mention she's a great writer? Well she really is!

Tonight I was able to catch up on her blog, and get the latest news of her & her husbands long awaited journey into adoption. As I read of the joy and love she feels for her yet unmet 2 year old daughter M., I started to sob. I realized, both C. and H., have something much deeper, much more potent, and much more eternal than just a great sense of style in common - they have hearts so full of love that it just overflows into the lives around them. These two women are not just beautiful faces and tags or labels on a piece of clothing (though my heart did do a casual little flip when I read of C. purchasing skinny jeans for her incoming toddler). They're much more than the images they convey. They are beautiful, loving, caring women, and they are faithfully heeding the call to care for orphans and widows, which is a beautiful and noble thing.

I'm insanely jealous, but in the most non-jealous, non-mean, totally supportive, love-you-both-so-much kind of way. Here's the deal kids - I may look up to these two women for the class and style they exude. But at the end of the day, what I really look up to these two fantastic women for is so much more than that. I admire them because they are just awe-inspiring people with hearts, that like my own feeble one, are ready to give love wherever they can - to the neediest, the poorest, the most forsaken and forlorn. And they share so much more in common than they, perfect strangers in this small little world, will ever know.

Yeah, I want to be stylish. Yeah, I want to be modern, traditional, urban eclectic chic. Yeah, I want that adorable new pie plate from Anthro. But what I really, really want - what I covet, what I long for and desire - is to be a woman ready to give my heart away, at the drop of a hat, to the next underfed, underclothed, underloved child that God puts in my path. I too want to love on a child not my own, but not anyone else's either. I want to follow in their steps someday, and bring a motherless child into my life and home.

And when I do, I'm gonna throw style caution to the wind and let them spill on the buttery leather sofa, and color on the Robins Egg blue walls and make mud pies in their adorable little Crewcuts. Because you know what? Some things, like love, never go out of style.

Eyes Wide Open

What is about visual stimulation that gets us so riled up as human beings?

What I mean by that is this - and here's where I'm gonna get pretty specific and hope you can follow my train of thought - why is it that the more we look at something the more we want it? The same doesn't always ring true of our other senses. The more I smell something, the more I want it? No. The more I taste it? Feel it? Hear it? No, no, no. But the more I look at something, the more I want it, and the harder it is for me to get it out of my mind.

AND I'M A WOMAN!!! We're not even the "visual" ones here. Guys are, or so the male/female differences myths go.

So, the reason I bring this up is threefold. One, I bought a dress today, a dress I probably could've not bought and been just as happy without. But a dress that I have been eyeing at Banana for weeks, both in the store and online. And yesterday, they changed their website, to have new "Summer Essentials" and my dress was featured as the dress of the season. And it looked gooooood. On the model, on the hanger, and in my mind's eye, on me. It's gorgeous. It just looked gorgeous.

Now don't get me wrong, I didn't go into debt for this dress or anything. I had a coupon as a matter of fact. But even still, as I was driving home from the mall thinking about my new dress, the words of an old friend's blog, where she recently posted about women, fashion and social consciousness and spirituality, came back to me. Why do we, as women, feel so tied to fashion? I know I definitely am. Nooooo doubt about it, I'm a fashion-holic, and I can't even apologize in good faith for it. But that's another post for another time. I digress.

I was thinking about this dress, on the way home today, and asked myself "what prompted me to wait, till my coupon became active, and buy THIS dress, in particular, when I could have bought countless other pretty dresses?" I can name a few. The grey Tracey Reese from Anthro. The pink Trina Turk from Macys. But I chose the brown and white safari print from Banana Republic. Why? And I realized that despite liking these other dresses, I'd been following this one online and in the store, watching it, stalking it, as it were. I'd seen it, a lot, and in seeing it, over and over again, looking at it, watching it, I wanted it more and more.

This dress was Bathsheba, and I, I am David hanging out on his roof on a Saturday night. Sad.

But the thought behind this post, about the nuances of vision and desire, goes beyond a dress. This principle has applied to other areas of my life. And I am sure that as any of my guy friend's can attest, the link between the visual and our desires is fitfully binding and probably uncooperative. I've had to train myself the hard way in other areas of my life, to just not look at certain things, because of the emotional response it creates in me. Unlike my guy friends, my response is strictly emotional. I would wager they also battle with the physical ramifications of what they see.

I've been struggling back and forth with the same crush for a while now. Sometimes I'm over it, and sometimes I'm not. Often, the times when I'm trying the hardest to just forget how I feel about this guy, are the times when I've had to train myself to just not look him in the eyes. I am almost afraid too, as if the second I do I'm gonna melt into a big helpless puddle, and he's gonna see right through me to my soul, and know exactly how I still feel. I'm afraid my words will fail me, I'll blabber and be incoherent, or maybe time itsef will stand still and I'll be trapped, feet locked in cement, and unable to run away. No matter what the irrational and inexplicable fear of looking him in the eye is, it's taken great courage and resolution and logic for me to get past it and just look my friend in the eyes. Sometimes I think it's better not to, eyes are, after all, the window to the soul.

Does any of that make sense? No. But then neither does the phrase "Sometimes we don't do the things we want to do, so that others won't know we want to do them". Ivy Walker said that in The Village (amazing love story, and probably my favorite M. Night Shamyalan film by the way). It's one of my favorite quotes, and sometimes exactly how I feel.

Anywho, I digress. So, the dress, the crush, and then this: The same friend who was blogging about women and our ties to fashion, was also blogging recently about her and her husband's struggles in waiting for adoption. It's been a long time, and I guess her maternal clock is ticking like a time bomb. Gee, I really don't know what that's like. In reference to her maternal clock and desires for chidren, she said:

"There have been seasons where it has been unbearable, particulary when I first started working at an elementary school, and was overwhelmed by the hilarious, energetic, adorable ways of the children. Sometimes when I had to walk across the playground during recess, I'd get choked up and have to look away, hoping not to actually trip over any of the litte ones I was trying not to look at."

Her authenticity and vulnerability in sharing her inability to even look at the kids is awe-inspiring. You should all read her blog, just because she's a distant friend who I once went to college with, who's fashion sense and general beauty I have always admired and she lives in Portland, which makes me hella jealous!! (Sidenote - Trinette's dream life = living in a beach house in Portland, OR with my amazingly wonderful, handsome, spiritually atune husband, our two adorable children and running my own vegan/gluten free catering bakery business. I'm just sayin's all.) Anyways, this friend, she may not even remember me, but I remember always being in awe of her, and now her willingness to share not being able to even look at the little rugrats she works with confirms that she's still a marvelously cool person.

Like me, and the dress I became obsessed with through viewing it repeatedly, and the on-again/off-again crush I can't even look in the eyes, she finds a tie between what we view and what we want. Or what we can't view because we want it so much. I'm not the only one who feels this way, I guess.

And just think, if this is a problem for us women, and we are genetically hard-wired to be less apt to respond to visual stimulation than our beleagured brothers, then imagine how hard it must be for them. Yikes! I don't drive down the street and have to avoid most billboards. The ads in the windows at Victorias Secret that scream out "Hello Bombshell", while offensive because of how they affect men I love and respect, don't really affect me all that much. I can watch shows like Weeds, or True Blood, because, while they put it all out there on display, that doesn't affect me the way, say watching The Notebook does. My poor, poor guy friends, who care to keep their hearts, eyes and minds pure - I applaud you all, and want to encourage you that in your visual battles, you are winning the respect and admiration of your friends and sisters! Keep up the good work.

And if you have any pointers I could benefit from, that would be great. Because let's face it. There are a lot of pretty dresses, beautiful big eyes, and adorable children out there. And though I can hide behind my Banana sunglasses, I can't hide from the world. They can't see in, but I can still see out. And therein, likes my problem. There's too much too see, too much I want, too much I can't have, and frankly, I don't want to go through this life with eyes wide shut.