I Wish I Knew What I Was Doing

Ok, so a few days ago, I wrote THE post from hell, and was later, lovingly, reprimanded by my BF for the frankness and bluntness of my words. What can I say? I'm a "wear my heart on my sleeve" kind of gal. Sometimes I have no inner filter. I try, I fail, I delete.

Today, it will be much more subtle. But the message is the same - I am seriously confused by the way three friendships in my life can't seem to get things right. They are all with guys I have either loved, or care for as friends. But none of them are "just right". You'd think after three times, somethings gotta give, right? But apparently, the third time is NOT a charm.

So, as I am delve back into Piper/Grudem's masterpiece Recovering Biblical Manhood & Womanhood (inspired by the sermon series Trike's going through, to the thanks of many Hopesters), I am even more firmly committed to waiting it out, as a content, joyful, productive God-glorifying single woman, till (hopefully) the right guy comes along to lead, protect and provide for me spiritually, emotionally & physically. If you think I'm daydreaming about a Sugar Daddy or a Dictator to direct my every thought, go read the book. It is EYE OPENING!!

In any case, one of the mandates that Piper (who I just adore, really, what a great writer, I can only aspire!) sets out for both men and women is to live with ministry in mind, and the eternal perspective of being the Bride of Christ in heart. Not that I have forgotten to do this, but I realize I let so many of the distractions of this life get in the way of that, and like a gauzy curtain, they do not obscure my view of the Lord I love, as much as distract from it and fog everything up.

So, my heart, today is renewed in the desire to live for the Lord's glory, demonstrating his love to so many who hang in the balance between heaven and hell, inspiring the young women in my life (nieces, cousins, so many others) to emulate the peace, joy and calm that come from a life of trust, hope and passion for our one God.

But as a person who is not a natural-born leader, just how do I go about this? I thought, so many months ago, that LDI was going to be the catalyst for showing me where I fit in, in ministry. If I learned any lessons from my time in that program it was about God's all-incompassing grace, as He drew me to Himself, radically changing my life and attitudes, instead. I am still as directionless in ministry as I was a year ago, when I asked for help and guidance about how to take the burden in my heart and translate that into being a tool for God to transform broken lives.

I want to love on broken women. Hurt women. Abused women. I want to tell them that I've been there before, and let them know that no matter how bad they've had it, how hard it's been, how much someone has kicked them to the curb and spit on them, our God, our good and gracious Father, has a plan for their lives that will redeem them in every aspect and facet. I want to be the tool that Christ uses, as He kneels down next to the adulterous woman and picks her up, imploring her to sin no more. I want to tell her that I once was in her bare, muddy feet, and now I am the Bride of Christ. I want to help young women, blinded by the glare of materialism, deafened to the whispers of the Holy Spirit, find their path, with joy, contentment and fulfillment, on the narrow and rocky road of follwing Jesus. I want to say, as the character Hopeful did in Pilgrims Progress, when Christian was forging the turbulent river before reaching the Celestial City, "Be of good cheer, my sister. I feel the bottom, and it is good."

But how? I have no idea!! I am frustrated, yet hopeful. Impatient, yet trusting that in God's good time He will open a door. Frightened that I too will become distracted yet again, but confident in God's amazing grace, that it will draw me back to Him time and time again. I am calm and fearless before Him, knowing that I am ever being transformed, yet apprehensive, for I am such a sinner and a fool.

What do three relationships with guys who are not in love with me mean in the eternal scheme of things? Not much really. Except in the opportunity they provide for me to encourage and edify my brothers in appropriate and God-honoring manners, according the dynamic that safeguards all involved. Yet, what opportunities for so many more relationships, with the lost, the hurt, the broken, lay before me that I cannot even imagine? I do not know, but as I lay things out on a scale of worth, one far outweighs the other, and I'm not sad to say, but for now, you guys lose out!

It is my prayer that God will keep this perspective ever fresh in my heart, and this vision for ministry, even as I go at it alone, vibrant and new with excitement and determination. Most of all, I pray that my true spiritual Leader would sweep away the leaves and show me the path that He has already paved, as He has gone ahead and prepared these good works for me. It is one Man and one alone that I want to keep my eyes on, and with Him there is no confusion, only love.

I Haven't Done This In A While

TBT's. Three Beautiful Things. I used to post somewhat frequently (ok, maybe only once or twice) about what my TBT's for the day were. Things that brought me joy today, that I could thank our Heavenly Father for.

I realized, looking back on some recent posts, that the true state of my grateful heart isn't always as apparent as it is powerfully moving in my life. I am thankful for so much. This life, led by our amazing, gracious Father, has so much that brings me joy.

Here are what they were this week:

Listening to Josiah tell me on the phone, as he shopped with Michelle from Menards, about the book he bought Ana, and how he wants to buy me a book too...."So which one do you want Aunt Trinette? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Power Rangers? They both light up".

Hearing Ana call my name from the basement and all the way up the stairs, as I visited the Cuolon's on Wednesday. Her excitement as she saw me and let me sweep her up in my arms, and then as she told me "Trinette, you're here, it's a birthday party. No, it's a dance party".

Being served, loved, and blessed through friendships that give me more than I could ever give back. The sense of wonderment I get when I talk to said friends, and realize, wow, despite being intimately acquainted with a lot of my faults, they love me anyways. And I can mildly entertain them back.

The fact that my best friend thinks I'm beautiful - inside and out. I mean, I kind of always thought she thinks I'm ok- her amazing emails of encouragement and affirmation said as much. But I didn't know she really thought I was a beautiful person inside and out. Sweet! The feeling is mutual, now wear the jacket!

Being out on my bike in the gorgeous fall weather. The feel of the crisp, cool air running up and down my arms, teasing my face. Wearing a knit cap and matching scarf in said fall weather. The prospect that it's time to break out sweater coats and boots and puffy vests and mittens. I love fall weather!! I want to look like Ali McGraw in Love Story, year round.

Knowing that since fall is here, soon it will be apple orchard time, pumpkin picking time, pumpkin carving time, apple cider time. Basically all the things I love to do in October. And having great friends to make those memories with.

Snuggling up on the couch, a glass of wine in one hand, and the remote in the other. Simple pleasures baby!

Feeling like a woman, in certain friendships where my guy friends love me, serve me, celebrate me and upon occasion subject me to tickle wars. Wow. Feeling like a woman as I show my gratitude to them, through serving them back by cleaning for them or cooking for them or giving them care packages or just expressing my joy at how great they are. And learning that it's ok to tickle back.

Having a real conversation with my mom. A dialogue. Without a screaming nephew in the background distracting her from everything I'm saying. Feeling ok enough with her to open up and share how I'm feeling, trusting that she is actually listening and might even care. Hearing her respond with meaningful advice and concern. This is what it should always be like.

A new cell phone plan that lets me add her to my Faves, therefore giving me the freedom to talk to her for an hour. Or to my other four Faves too. And that finally gives me free nights and weekends.

Trolling Craigslist and thinking I might be able to find Jon a hot tub for the backyard before he comes home this weekend. PLEASE call me back people!!

Knowing that in just two months, my second favorite time of year will be kicking off - Thanksgiving! Which will usher in my first favorite time of year - Christmas!! Knowing friends will be home from far away (and hearing their excitement at coming home brings me joy!). Family time will be cramped and chaotic but wonderful. Cookie baking time with the girls will be close at hand (that means Swedish Creme Wafers!) And I can, without fear of criticism, start playing my Christmas music loud and long.

OH WOW! The fact that I have my very own apartment to decorate for Christmas as much as I want! If I want four Christmas trees, elves hanging from the ceiling, garland draping every red and green wall (oh wait, that's my old place), and White Christmas on cd looping for an entire month straight I CAN! It's my apartment and I can decorate it for Christmas the day after Thanksgiving and not take it down till January 2nd with no one to tell me not to! THANK YOU BABY JESUS!!!

Yeah, I think that's about it for now. Of course it's more than Three BT's, but whatever. When do I ever follow those rules? Nah.

Honorable mentions, however: The fact that Nana has a death grip of steel when she hugs me, but I know it means that she actually does love me. The fact that I was told in one night that I am quite pretty, have good skin tone and amazing hair (REALLY? SERIOUSLY??). The fact that I am going to sleep soooo good tonight. These are all beautiful things. I am so blessed!

A Different Kind Of Road Rage

I know, it's been a while since I've posted. I've decided to wait till the city-wide Wireless goes in to get "up & running" in the new place. So far, I'm still waiting. This means I have no Internet access at home - a discipline and a blessing as well as a frustration.

In the meantime, I can post from Jon's house, or Dunn Bros, when their ghetto computer is working and there's not some weirdo camping at it. So, here's what I have to say for now:

1. I want to start a Gluten Free bakery. I've shared this with maybe two people, and I have a few ideas. It's a necessity for wheat-dorks like me, who can't eat bread or cookies or cakes or anything. I made my first Gluten-Free product today - a GF banana bread that wasn't that bad. I know that the other Celiac's sufferers in the Twin Cities would love it, so I've been tossing the idea around. Speaking of tossing, I made the mistake the other day of convincing myself that two slices of bread wouldn't make that big of a difference if it was covered in delicious avocado, heirloom tomato, mayo (yep, the gucky stuff) and thick sliced Applewood smoked bacon. Oh, was I wrong. I tossed more than salad, more than some ideas around - I tossed my cookies and prayed for Jesus to take me home for like a day. Yeah - it's official. I can't eat wheat.

2. I have a new kind of Road Rage. Now that I'm carless, I've been enjoying the fine fall weather by getting out on my bike to do things every day. It is my only source of transportation and one that will give me thighs of steel. I am loving getting around on my bike more than I ever anticipated

But, as I've learned, it's not just people in cars that are stupid or who can inspire my irritation. People on sidewalks, in crosswalks, hey, just in general are STUPID, stupid. I've encountered everything from people who see me coming in an intersection, and still pull out in front of me, causing me to swerve to avoid being hit by them, to people on sidewalks who when you mindfully shout "On you left" respond with "Hey Cupcake, you're looking fine. Wanna come sit on my lap Cupcake?" I have never before, in my life had the opportunity to use this exact phrase "On your left, and I'm NOT YOUR CUPCAKE A$%HOLE!" in my life. Sorry for the profanity. But when someone's response is "Awwww, come on Cupcake, don't be like that" it will drive you to use language best saved for men's locker rooms.

3. Monster House is coming along. But it's time to mouse proof, as colder weather is here. I went to my new favorite hang out - Hudson's Ace Hardware on 42nd & 28th (shout out to Kathy!!) - this week, like four times, and have been having fun hanging things, fixing things and generally organizing & reorganizing my toolbox. I had so much fun picking it out, as well as all the fun things to go in it, at the Northland Tent at the State Fair with the kind help of Harry Johnson, who was incredulous that I didn't even own a toolbox, and now I am having equal amounts of fun using it.

So yeah, that's kind of it for me. One last thing - this one goes out to Vanessa, who flatters me with her admiration for my blog - if you thought the broom sticking out of my messenger bag as I was riding my bike home was funny, you should've seen me this week as I strapped a Swiffer Wet Jet, still in the box, to my back and biked to my friend Katrina's. I felt like Nanny 911, but the cleaning version. It was pretty sweet. I totally reminded myself of Mary Poppins (who ironically, Ana won't stop calling me).

Ok, that's it for now. I left Aidan upstairs watching episodes of "Yo Momma". We noticed that Wilmer has like, one gesture, and it's a strange combination of a gesture from Patty Cake & some 1970's Player-Pimp dance move. Yeah, I don't know how his dad will feel about me letting him watch that while I'm Aidan-sitting, but what he doesn't know might not make him hate me. Heheh. Like that's even possible!

A Teensy Bit Frustrated With Technology

I can't get my photos to upload, from my trip. I did about 1/4 of them, before dinner, and now I can't seem to get the rest to work. Urgh. I have so many neat pics I want to share, of mudpots galore (yawwwwwn, Yellowstone), and millions from the beaches in Oregon, where I want to move and sleep listening to the surf every night.

Speaking of wanting to move - I'm wanderlusting. You think that coming off one of the world's craziest road trips I'd have a little more sanity than that. (Have YOU ever tried to sleep in a driver's seat, with bags of groceries, cd's, one of your best friends on the seat next to you, at 3 in the morning in front of the Wild Bill Hickock Center in Cody, WY?) But now that I've revisited the glorious Oregon coast, I'm dying to get married, move there, start an organic/gluten free bakery & have lots of babies and hang out at the beach a lot, all the while doing short term missions trips and making someone insanely happy.

Yeah, if you had to sum up what I want to do next week, that's pretty much it. So, I guess you could say I'm not just wanderlusting for travel, but for so much more.

I'm at a place, again, where God could do anything, and I wish He would do something major. I want to be shaken up, completely reliant on Him (aren't I already?) but I want it in a different way, I think. In a lot of ways, I feel ready for so much more, but my readiness isn't necessarily the catalyst for what I want God to do in my life. His timing encompasses so much more.

At the heart of all this, again, is the dealings with Un-Chivalrous-Ex. We talked last night, for a good hour, and I prayed about how to handle things all this morning. Today's Daily Bread verse was out of Ephesians, where Paul admonishes us "Wives, submit to your husbands as unto the Lord." and later he says to respect your husband. For the first time in my life, the weight of that verse sank in, as I realized that, if as a stubborn, wilful and hardheaded woman, I had trouble submitting my spirit to the Lord, it was gonna take one heck of a man for me to submit to him in equal fashion. I thought to myself this morning, or maybe I've known it all along, that there are just some men who naturally garner my respect and some who really have to work to get it and some who just can't win in that department at all. I can think of the ones that have my respect as naturally as they breathe on one hand - they are few. The rest, well, it's a tough battle with a woman as independent as me. UCE is a great guy, I'm sure. He just isn't someone who I can respect spiritually, because, well, he's just not.

Mulling all this over, I decided to see wise counsel, from Kirstie. She reminded me of the actions of Ruth Bell Graham, when she told Billy to take a hike. At the time he was pursuing her, he wasn't the spiritual leader she needed, much less deserved. In her rejection of his advances, he came to his senses, shaped up and became the man that our nation has adored - a man of God. Remembering this, and remembering the story of another woman I adore, the wonderful Elizabeth Elliot, and how she and Jim waited years for one another, though their love was there, I realized that, though I have been receiving attention I crave, that I am wired to crave, from UCE, I am really selling myself short by even thinking of granting his requests to get back together, with a guy who spiritually I just can't respect and who I just don't love (especially not with the remnants of feelings for one man I really do respect still lingering, albeit stubbornly & not exactly welcome). Not only might I be robbing myself of God's plan for my life, but I'm allowing him to continue on unchanged, stagnant in his spiritual state of lapse. He's a good guy, to be sure. He's just not a good enough guy for me. And I mean that in the nicest possible way. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than marry someone I have a hard time respecting, and who will not or can not be the spiritual leader I so long for and deserve.

This might be a case of way TMI! But, it's me, it's my life, whatev.

I called him again tonight, and told him in the nicest possible fashion that my mind hasn't changed, that I am sticking to my guns, and don't see a possibility for us to be friends, much less date again. He took it nice, he has before. I pray, I really do, that this time he'll back off and that the Lord will give me a chance to either return to the state of contentment I had with my singleness, or bring me that someone who I adore, respect and in all ways view as my leader in Christ. Maybe someone with a heart for the mountains, or the beach. Definitely not someone who doesn't like the outdoors. Because after these last two weeks, this city girl is craving some serious nature time, and anyone who loves me better be ready to hit the road again, for the beauty of our country, it is a'callin'. The freedom of being open to God's plans, that is calling even more. Speak Lord, for your servant is ready to listen & go.

In The End, Your Love Is All That Really Matters

I just went back and re-read my sniveling little post from yesterday. I sound as ungrateful and ugly as my heart has really been. Shame on me. I thought of deleting the post, but inspired by another friend's vulnerability at sharing his heart for all to read, I am willing to face my crappiness and tell the world that without Christ, I am an ugly, icky person. In Him, however.....well, that's a different story, and one that God, in His grace changed in my heart yesterday.

I am so blessed, we all are, beyond words and measure. The houses we live in, the food we eat, the cars we drive are all testimony to the material riches that God has seen fit to give us custody of. But they are NOTHING compared to His glorious riches in Jesus Christ, by whom we have access to all power and authority in heaven and earth, and in whom we are glorious, adored, adopted sons and heirs of a Most High King. It is that reality and nothing else that I need to cling to and hold high, my banner of love.

Speaking of love - this trip has been a real catalyst for God to work on my heart in this area. Not so much about how I love others, though that has been shown to me as the natural consequence of how filled or empty my heart is with His love. He has shown me that my heart can be an empty cistern, or an empty stomach more like it. When it is full, rich with God's love, there is contentment and nourishment and I can do, with energy and strength, all that He asks me to, confidently. Empty it however, and the dirty, bubbling acids of my own selfish nature are all that is left in this hollow well and their aroma is not of kindness or grace but of hurt, anger and frustration. When I have nothing to give, am not filled with God's own love, I am useless at best, and hurtful more often.

That's where I've been lately. And I don't mean this past week lately either - I'm talking for the past six months. I have let myself be robbed of a love that is freely given and abundantly surrounding me. Not the love of other people, necessarily, though it can include that. I'm talking of the amazing, grace-filled, sacrifice-driven, unbordered, abounding love of God Himself, made possible through the merit and sacrifice of Jesus Christ.

On this trip, Jon asked me a poignant, if not hurtful question. He said "Is it so hard to believe that someone just wants to love you and bless you?". This was aimed at my refusal to get our schedule off track so I could go grab some gluten-free dinner, and was rooted in stubbornnes and willfullness. Two things I'm pretty darn good at. The minute those words escaped from his mouth, I knew the point at hand was not my own bratty attitude and childlike behavior, but so much more than what was apparent on the surface. That night those words stayed with me so much, that by the time we got to Dave & Diane's house, I was crying out to God on the inside to break me, humble me and fill me with His love through my stay with the Herdles & Normans.

Then, yesterday, at church, during a simple worship set of two people on the guitar, God reminded me of that divine question. "Trinette, why do you find it so hard to let yourself be loved? By me?" I knew, that for months and months I have been pushing Him away, refusing to believe that He really does love me with anything more than an obligatory feeling of scant sacrifice. He loved me enough to die on the cross, but that's where it ended, has been the lie that's been simmering in my heart for a long time now. And the realization of it wasn't anything new. It's something God's been trying to tell me for a long time now, but in hurt and fear I have ignored that voice, ignored that question. It wasn't till someone I know, and do love, asked me it, out of their own hurt, confusion and frustration at me, that I could really see how deeply my refusal to take God's love had changed me as a person.

I broke down into sobs. Not just tears, but sobs. As I excused myself to the restroom, I just knew that somehow, someway, the Lord needed to work in this area of my life and He was more than ready to.

Of course my first inclination is to turn to those around me to fill that gap, that void and to be God's tools for showing me His love. Isn't that what I've always done? Hungered for love? Searched for it in a million places, sometimes healthy, sometimes not? No wonder I have been an empty cistern, for the love this world or people offer, even godly people, is empty and changing, like we people so often are.

At the Everett AquaSox game, Kirsten and I had a great conversation, in which I admitted to her that this trip was so hard for me because I love their family so much, and desire to be part of that kind of warm relationship, yet I know God is calling me to find my love and fulfillment in Him alone. It is what He is telling me loud and clear. Other people can love me, but till I accept how very much He does, I will never truly feel warm, safe and confident. The acidity of my broken, bruised heart will always bubble up to the surface and wound myself, and others, till I am ready to let God fill it Himself, with the water that will quench a lifetime of thirsts.

I am so scared. I don't know how to do this thing. I am afraid of forgetting how and failing, as I always do. But in that failure is again God's great love, for it is He alone that can pick me back up and set me aright, in love and tenderness as a Father only can.

I am scared that faced with affirmation from so many sides, I will fall back into old habits of seeking acceptance and love in places other than Christ. An ex-boyfriend who is telling me how much he cares and wants to give it a go, and how much I mean to him. He is a mere counterfit of what I truly want and deserve, for his own heart is not God focused or even God desiring. Then there is the matter of my own desire to share a lifetime of ministry and service with the one man I really do care about, and who warms my heart with his own proclimations of faith and his easy smile. There is the fear that I will seek love from anywhere I can find it, an all too easy trap, instead of diligently asking God to show me His own love, even though it means listening, waiting and believing in faith that He will.

I can look back on my life and see themes, times where God has wanted to teach me a certain something, and it has taken more than one lesson to get it across. His perfect love for me is the theme He is bringing me through at this stage of my life. It is coupled with the great hope that at the end, I will have learned it well and gracefully and that the reward will be His allowance to share His love with others. The latter part of that is not so much a hope as an expectation, for sharing His love with other people is one of my greatest desires, calling and commandments. What an honor it will be to finally do it right!

In the meantime, there are four little kids I can hear traipsing around outside my bedroom door. Three boys, full of life, energy, and who have dubbed themselves the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Herdles", and one precious little girl who is all fingernail polish and princess stories. I love them so much my heart overflows for my baby brothers & sisters in Christ. There is a wonderful mom, who has sacrificed her own desires to stay in Minnesota to obediently follow her husbands lead, and love him through this service. She is my dearest friend and I can't wait to wrap my arms around her and tell her how proud I am of her example. There are grandparents, wise and silver haired, who I long to learn from. There is so much love that awaits me outside this door, but the love that is sitting on the table next to my bed, labeled "Holy Bible" is the one I must delve into first. For it is the greatest, the strongest, the most enduring love of all. I can only pray it will fill my heart today, with overflowing rivers of love.

Thoughts From The Road

So, this isn't exactly Kerouac style musings "Thoughts From The Road", though I certainly am inspired.

We landed in Seattle Friday night, at around 2, and yesterday we were all up again at 6, to go run Jon to the airport and hit Pikes Place Market.

When I say "we" I guess I should clarify what the last week of my life has looked like. I left last Monday on a road trip with Kirsten, Kaya, Jon and myself. In the week we've been on the road we've hit the Badlands, Mt. Rushmore, Yellowstone, West Yellowstone, Oregon, the Oregon Coast and Washington, including Seattle. We still have a lot more to do, starting today with some family quality time, an Everett Minor League Baseball game (think the St. Paul Saints, Pacific Northwest style), a lunch at Karel & Myra's church and then Labor Day tomorrow complete with hiking at some mountain or something (gee, I haven't done any of that this trip!), and who knows what else.

It hasn't all been thrills though - I've been a bear. We haven't seen any wild ones, grizzly, black or otherwise, but we haven't had to, I've been sufficiently crabby enough to make up for it. I have to admit, it stems a lot from feeling miserably left out and unloved. That's not a good feeling, and it's one that I would refuse to communicate even if I did know how to. By the time we left the Oregon Coast and made it to Seattle, I was in tears and spent the first night at Kirsten's parents house crying myself to sleep. How do you tell one of your best friend's that he is hurting your feelings, when he is too busy telling you that you're being a brat?

There is so much to this story that I could delve into. But how? Why? And with what consequences? All I know is that this trip could've been so much more fun if maybe I was treated with as much consideration and love as the other people in the car, instead of constantly being teased and treated like a "little sister" instead of another adult. Urgh, I'm so mad at him I could shoot rusty nails out of my mouth straight at his head!

On top of that, this trip has been a real eye-opener regarding my future, my hopes, etc. In the midst of mountain driving in Yellowstone, and only partial cell phone reception, the unchivalrous ex has tried to get back into contact. Well, actually he did this last week before we left with a "I'm not asking you to take me back, but would you please take me back" email. To which I replied with a big, fat, long, lengthy diatribe about what I deserve in a relationship. Then I left. Didn't wait for a reply, didn't call him, or text him or anything. Just left hoping that I wouldn't have to deal with guy decisions again for a while. Till Yellowstone that was. It was then that I got the voicemail that threw me into a state of confusion more tangled and twisted than the mountain roads we were driving.

This trip has made me think of what I want - and who I want to share that with. It has never been more clear, though more unattainable. There is just one person I love and respect so much as to want to share all this with them - this beautiful country and the thought of seeing more of it. Yet, he is so far away, in so many more ways than just distance. Through this whole trip, he is the one person I wish I could turn to, in the driver's seat and say "hey, did you just see that animal?" or "hey, let's pull over and go put our feet in that stream". So why, at the very same time, does all this other stuff have to come up? Why, when it just clouds the picture?

This bundle of confused emotions I'm experiencing now is so muddy - at the base of this mountain are the prospects of a future I envision ideally with desires for sharing a life of ministry with someone I love. Clouding that are the words of an ex who, though he cares for me like I want to be adored, I suspect is not what God wants for me. Then there are the jagged, raw emotions of hurt I'm feeling from another guy friend who has the propensity for wounding me so deeply when I just want him to love me like he does our other friends, and treat me with the same compassion and concern as he does them. All have thrown me into a state of well, confusion, that is irritating and frustrating and maddening and have made me act in ways that are so out of character and curl up into a ball of hurt and frustration and just stop trying to even communicate my way out of it.

Throw on top of this the fact that I haven't been in the same bed for more than three nights straight for the last two weeks. I moved from my old apartment to my new one, then from there I spent a few nights at Jon's while the Herdles were in town, from there, we hit the road and have slept everywhere from the car to hotels, and now I'm at Kirsten's parents. I woke up this morning and didn't know where I was, and I just wanted to cry.

But I'm happy too. Happy that I've had the chance to see so much. OVERJOYED at getting to spend some time with Kaya, Seth, CJ & Howie. Last night we watched Nacho Libre, and wrestled on the floor for over an hour. Only when Howie pulled out the real weapons, his dagger and Seth's bayonnet, did I cringe in some sort of real fear and go back to watching the movie. I miss wrestling, a truly male form of love expression, with my baby brothers. I miss playing Bloody Knuckles with them (and have the raw hands to prove it this morning). I miss just laughing so hard I almost pee when I see them acting goofy.

This joy, at being in the presence of people I love so much, and who I just want to love on me is also adding to a great confusion. I just want that love again, back in my life. I miss them so much more than my words could ever convey, and the first night I was here with all of them again filled me with such powerful feelings of love and hurt, simultaneously, that I broke into sobs. Sobs, because I love them so much my heart overflows and yet I am only with them for a few days more. Sobs because I want that kind of love, familial love, in my life all the time. Sobs because I knew it was driving me back into the arms of my real Father, who will never move away and leave me stranded.

Anyways, I write all this, an expose of my emotional state of being right now, with feelings of elation and excitement at seeing new sights and seeing old friends bubbling on the surface. It's time to get up and go to church, an hour away. A church alive is worth the drive. We got fresh, organic blueberries from Pikes Place Market yesterday, and somewhere today I have to find time to form them into a pie. Gluten free of course. Well, I was just told the shower's free. This is enough of my ranting. I will share pics later. Much love and confusion, from the road. Keep on Truckin'